The nation’s public houses, bars and inner-city slums were celebrating this morning as news reached them of the launch of what is thought to be the world’s strongest beer, with an alcohol content of 32%. The beer, known as ‘Tactical Nuclear Penguin’, is brewed by Scottish brewers BrewDog, of Fraserburgh, who claim that the beer is about “pushing boundaries” and not, as many people have suggested, “profiting from getting a load of people pissed quickly.”
Managing director James Watt said a limited supply of Tactical Nuclear Penguin would be sold for £30 each. “Of course,” he continued, once everybody is too hammered to know what the hell is going on, then we’ll jack up the price to around £500 a bottle, and then we’ll rake it in. Ker-ching!”
The brewers have also been quick to give strict guidelines as to how Tactical Nuclear Penguin should be consumed, advising that it should only be drunk in ‘spirit-sized measures’. An additional warning on the label states: “This is an extremely strong beer; it should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance. Under no circumstances should it be dragged out at the end of the evening after you’ve already gone through all the nice booze in the house, poured in its entirety into a large jug, and tipped down your throat while your mates stand around you shouting: ‘Chug! Chug! Chug!”
Douglas McAdams, 57, greeted the news of Tactical Nuclear Penguin’s launch with unabandoned carefree joy. “It was like all my Christmasses had come at once,” said McAdams, a homeless man from Glasgow with a history of alcoholism. “All I have to do is worry about getting myself £30 for one bottle of this rocket fuel and I’m absolutely sh*t-faced for the rest of the week, without a care in the world. Thank you, BrewDog of Fraserburgh, for helping me through the winter months.”
Mr. McAdams’ sentiments were echoed in pubs and bars the length and breadth of the country. “Now when I’ve had a crap day at work, I don’t have to worry about coming home and kicking the dog or shouting at my wife,” said one anonymous advocate from London. “Instead, I crack open one of these bad boys, knock it back, and drink until I’m sick over myself. Before long, I’m right as rain.”
BrewDog of Fraserburgh have refused to comment on speculation that next Christmas will see the launch of a 78% strength beer called: ‘This Beer is Guaranteed to Kill You or Your Money Back’.