The Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny have shocked the world this morning by threatening to reveal Santa Claus’s true identity, as well as the location of his secret Lapland hideout. The pair have stated that they will release this information, as well as compromising details about Santa’s past to the press unless he bows to their pressure and reduces his number of commercial commitments.
Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, the Easter Bunny explained that both himself and the Tooth Fairy had become increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of relative publicity Santa – also known as Father Christmas, St. Nick and Kris Kringle – had been receiving.
“To be honest, we don’t think it’s really fair,” said the Easter Bunny. “Look, I know you don’t usually see me around this time of year, but somebody’s got to take a stand against this, and I think it should be me. Time was, that we all used to take our turns doing our own thing. I’d give out the eggs at Easter, the Tooth Fairy would give out money for kids when they lost teeth, and everything would be sweet.”
The Easter Bunny went on to relate how the relationship between the three had turned sour. “Well, you see, it wasn’t long before the jolly old b*stard got greedy. I suppose it wasn’t enough that he had the biggest event of the year…he had to take a cut of it for himself, didn’t he?”
Asked to explain this further, the Tooth Fairy interjected, angrily: “Do we have to draw you a picture? Personal appearances, adverts, movies, TV programmes. He’s got his own agent, you know. I don’t even have my own event. I deal in a teeth/money exchange. How do you think I do on that? Do you know what the black market is like for kid’s teeth in a recession? It’s not good, I can tell you.”
“It’s got to the point where I can’t even enter a shopping centre or turn on the TV without seeing him,” the Easter Bunny continued. “Have you seen that bloody Coca-Cola advert? It turns my stomach. And when do you see us on TV or in the media? Never. Santa needs to cut down on all of this publicity-seeking, or I swear, we’re going to tell all the kids where he lives, and spill the beans on that little stint he did inside a few years back for aggravated assault.”
Santa was unavailable for comment this morning as he was busy shooting a new Coca-Cola commercial, although his agent has promised to look into the issue and “speak to the rabbit.”