Environmentalists around the world have been shocked by the news that more than six hours of one of yesterday’s sessions at the Climate Change Summit in Copenhagen was spent debating whether or not they should switch on the central heating.
The summit is aimed at gathering representatives from leading nations around the world to make decisive action towards halting climate change.
“The trouble is,” said Yvo de Boer, Executive Secretary of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, “These talks are taking place in Denmark in mid bloody December and it’s freezing inside the building. I’m all for halting climate change, as long as the climate isn’t ridiculously cold to start with.”
The Ambassador and Deputy Permanent Representative of Sudan to the United Nations in New York, Lumumba Stanislaus-Kaw Di-Aping agreed: “What you have to understand is that I’ve come here from the Sudan to sit in a room in sub-zero temperatures to hear a load of people waffling on. Why they didn’t have this in Sydney like I suggested, I’ll never know.”
The lone dissenting voice, and cause of the six hour debate was President and chairwomen of the summit, Connie Hedegaard, who argued: “Look, you lot all need to grow a pair. The air temperature is perfectly fine in here. Go and get a jumper. Don’t they have jumpers in the Sudan, Lumumba?”
Eventually, after six hours of, ironically, heated exchanges on the issue, the US’s special envoy for climate chance, Todd Stern, decided to intervene and broke up the debate by offering to fetch everyone a warm drink.
“I don’t care what it is,” he is reported to have said. “Hot chocolate, tea, coffee….hell, I’ll even go out and get each of you a hot toddy if you think it’ll make things better.”
At present it is not known whether or not Stern’s offer will be enough to broker a lasting peace in the talks, although experts have hailed it as a masterstroke. Dan Findlay, environmental correspondent for the Wall Street Journal said:
“Todd Stern has used all the experience and nous that he’s gained over the course of his career here. Not many people know this, but he used exactly the same trick in his role as White House negotiator for the Kyoto Protocol, only this time he suggested a round of Mojitos for everyone – that did the trick, and I expect this to do the same.”