A young man who triumphed by winning a karaoke competition this weekend is expected to demonstrate his gratitude by openly urinating into the dying embers of one of the great Christmas traditions, it has been confirmed.
Joe McElderry, 18, ‘won’ last night’s televised popularity contest and is expected to go on to achieve this year’s Christmas no.1 in just over 10 days, following in the footsteps of all the other stars before him who were able to learn the words to other people’s songs then belt them out in barely passable fashion.
Bookmakers have already stated that McElderry is now the red-hot favourite to secure Christmas number one, with Ladbrokes cutting his odds of earning the top spot to 1/8.
NME journalist Chris Cavendish said: “For years now we’ve had to put up with this crap filling our charts at this time of the year. You would have thought that after Alexandra Burke got smacked in the face they would have got the message about what these records are doing to people. Apparently not.”
Radio 1 DJ Jo Whiley agreed: “I see that Joe’s single is out on Wednesday. Now, call me cynical, but that’s a quick bit of writing on his part. Did he knock something together between the ad breaks during Sunday’s final show? What’s that? He DIDN’T write it? Well blow me down.”
However, Cheryl Cole, who mentored Joe throughout the karaoke competition, disagreed that his record would devalue the Christmas no.1.
“People who say that a manufactured single getting the Christmas no.1 year after year after year devalues the achievement don’t know what they are talking about. I mean, obviously I’m only saying that because I don’t have a record out this Christmas and stand to profit considerably from this one,” she said, before adding: “It’s in the shops on Wednesday! Buy it!”
The concept of the traditional battle for the Christmas no.1 top spot has been the cause of much controversy this year, with a Facebook group set up to implore the public to buy Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name as a protest against Simon Cowell and the idea of manufactured hits ruining the once-great tradition.
Cowell hit back after last night’s karaoke final, insisting: “I don’t know why everyone’s falling for this trick. Rage Against the Machine have just been signed up by Pete Waterman and the record they are releasing is simply a re-mixed version of their old track, with Rick Astley singing backing vocals. You’ll never beat me Waterman….mwah ha ha ha ha.”