authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

Christmas no.1 is song nobody even likes

In Entertainment, Media, Music on December 21, 2009 at 09:17

The 2009 Christmas no.1 is, for the first time, a song that nobody even likes, it has been revealed.  Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name was a song that relatively few people purchased upon the first release of the single during November 1992, and few eyebrows were raised when it reached a high point of 25 – a position that in no small way reflected the ambivalence of the record-buying public toward the band.

However, a spokesperson for Rage Against the Machine, insisted that the band’s festive top spot should in no way be devalued by the recent media campaign. Speaking at the launch of a new Facebook group to make sure their 1999 album The Battle of Los Angeles is top of the first album chart of 2010, he said:

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

“Come on guys. Do you really think people are so stupid that they’ll just go out and buy whatever people tell them to? Although I suppose that would go some way to explaining the mystifying popularity of S Club 7.”

Ethel Carraway, 83, was one of the many who downloaded Killing in the Name and explains: “I can’t stand this song – it’s just a load of loud, unbearable noise, not like the lovely tunes they used to have in my day. I’ll certainly never listen to it again.

Ethel continued: “To be honest, I’ve never heard of this X Factor business and don’t even know who this Simon Cowell chap is as I don’t own a TV here in the retirement home. All I heard was that by doing this it would be f*****g up the establishment, and I’m all for that.  Fight the power!”

Plans are already underway to strike against the X Factor‘s plans for domination of next year’s Christmas no.1 spot, as Tracey and John Morter, founders of the Facebook group which led to this year’s chart rebellion, explained:

“This just goes to show that people are willing to buy a single they completely hated the first time around, in order that another single they completely hate this time around doesn’t sell more records.  It’s really just that simple, and shows that, if nothing else, people will not be told by Simon Cowell – or anyone else for that matter – what music they should buy.”

John Morter then added: “Having said that, next year, we’re going to tell everyone to buy a new song we’ve made up called: We Hate Simon Cowell and His Songs are Really Rubbish – the song won’t be any good, and will have nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, but if this year has proven anything it’s that none of these factors are in any way important.  We are already quietly confident.”

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