authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

Britain preparing to use snow as excuse for not buying enough presents

In News on December 23, 2009 at 13:08

The entire population of the UK was said last night to be preparing to use the recent cold snap as an excuse for not having bought enough Christmas presents for friends and family. Temperatures have plummeted to as low as -10C in parts of the country, with between 5cm and 10cm of snow predicted to fall in eastern Scotland over the next few days, causing havoc on the roads, and disrupting many Christmas deliveries in the process.

A Royal Mail statement assured customers that they are doing “everything possible” to ensure that deliveries arrive on time, but added that they would “like to take issue with the number of people who are already trying to blame us for their own laziness when it’s clear that they simply can’t be arsed getting up off the sofa and buying gifts.”

The perfect crime

However, Daniel Swanson, 21, an Estate Agent from Gateshead gave his own view on the situation: “All this snow is great, isn’t it?” he commented. “Basically, all I’ve done this year is buy a couple of loo rolls, wrapped them up, and put them under the tree, and told the family that the rest is on order from Amazon, and that it must have been delayed by the snow.

“As the days have gone on, and it’s got increasingly snowy, I’ve done a great job of looking increasingly agitated and exasperated about the whole thing. The other day, I even pretended to phone Amazon up and give them a b*llocking in full view of my family. I think they bought it – this lovely snowy weather has saved me an absolute fortune on Christmas shopping this year.”

However, not everyone has been so fortunate. Jennifer Stevens, 34, from South London, was one of the thousands who had been depending on the snow to relieve the strains of her festive bank balance.

“The problem is,” she explains, “That here in London, we’ve hardly had any snow compared to the rest of the country. If anything, it’s just been a bit icy. Although that’s not ideal for the transportation of Christmas parcels, it’s hardly realistic to expect that it was responsible for delaying all of my deliveries by about ten days, is it?

“I think I’m going to have to face the music on this one, and admit that I was too busy sitting on the sofa, watching Jeremy Kyle to actually go out and get anybody anything. This could be uncomfortable.”

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