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Nation vows never to eat turkey again

In Culture, News on December 27, 2009 at 11:19


The entire nation has vowed never to so much as go near any turkey ever again according to reports. The sudden move follows three days of  sustained binge eating of the bird in a variety of different ways over the festive period, and comes in the wake of a sustained bout of stomach cramps, pains and aches brought about by stuffing it into people’s every orifice as quickly as humanly possible.

Angela Wilkinson and her husband Ken, from Stoke-on-Trent are one such couple who have been forcing turkey down their necks in recent days.

“On Christmas Day, Angela cooked up a lovely meal for us, and the rest of the family – we had seven of us over in total, so we got a larger turkey than usual,” Ken explains.

“Although, if I’m completely honest, all this really meant was that was we had more left over. I’ve had turkey in every single meal since Christmas lunch, and if I so much as see another piece, I swear, I’ll go completely f*****g postal.”

“It’s true,” says Angela. “We had so much leftover turkey that I had to start slipping it in with Ken’s Corn Flakes in the morning so that I could use it all up. We’ve had turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey surprise – that’s turkey with extra turkey – and my favourite, turkey trifle. We’ve still got half a turkey left – what are we going to do?”

The Wilkinsons are far from alone with their dilemma, as a recent survey showed that by the 27th December every year, almost 92% of all Britons would rather hack off their limbs with a rusty spoon than take another mouthful of turkey.

Even senior politicians are not immune to the effects of too much turkey, as Michael Heseltine recalls: “I remember one year in the late 1980s after too much turkey and quite a lot of gin, we had to physically restrain Mrs. Thatcher from giving the order to declare war on Turkey – in fairness, there had been a bit of a misunderstanding.”

To combat the escalating turkey issue, the government have proposed widespread boycotting of the Christmas meal in 2010, unveiling their campaign yesterday under the slogan: ‘Why not have a pizza instead?’

Turkey magnate Bernard Matthews, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment,  as most people seem have assumed that he died after he stopped doing the ads for frozen turkey burgers on the telly, so we didn’t bother.


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