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Archive for 2010|Yearly archive page

We have moved!

In News on May 18, 2010 at 21:38

No, really. We have.

You know what it’s like when you’ve been living in the same place, staring at the same tired old four walls for what seems like an eternity?  No?  Well, trust us, we’ve been in prison, and it’s really no fun.

Anyway, we digress.  As part of our ongoing plan to avoid all things cabin-fever related, we have moved The Oracle Speaks to a brand new, shiny site, with whistles, bells and large flashing buttons that nobody can seem to find a use for.

So, from now on, please point your internet web-browser-thingymmajig towards:

http://www.theoraclespeaks.net/

changing your bookmarks accordingly, before sitting back and waiting for the usual shoddy service to recommence.

Alternatively, if feeds are your thing, then simply hop to:

http://www.theoraclespeaks.net/?feed=rss2

and it’ll all do the rest.

While we’re here, we suppose we should also remind you that you can follow The Oracle Speaks on Facebook and Twitter at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Oracle-Speaks/299401696845?ref=ts

and

http://twitter.com/TheOracleSpeak

That’s all.

Love and hugs,

The Oracle Speaks

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Movie studio buys rights for volcanic ash related sequel

In Entertainment, News on May 18, 2010 at 07:17

Universal Studios have purchased the rights to produce a full length motion picture around the topic of the recent volcanic ash crisis, it was announced yesterday.

The movie, called Ash on a Plane, will begin filming at the end of the year, and will be the sequel to the 2006 cult release Snakes on a Plane.

“I see this as less of a sequel, and more of a continuation of an exciting journey,” said Director Steven Spielberg, who enthusiastically attached himself to the project after reading the script.

"Ash? On a plane?"

“I’m just really pleased that Samuel L. Jackson has agreed to reprise his character from the first film. He really is the perfect choice to bring home the menace of all that dangerous, drifting, and relatively harmless ash to everyone who sees the film.”

“In the first movie, we had snakes, and they were on a plane,” explained Jackson. “This time, it’s ash from some volcano in Iceland or somewhere.

“Of course, in the film, nobody actually gets to see the ash, or go anywhere near it…in fact nobody actually gets to go on a plane either.

“It’s more of a tale of very frustrated people arriving at airports, forming huge lines at Starbucks and complaining that they should have got the ferry instead.

“My own character has to travel via two boats, a coach, two trans-continental trains and a donkey before deciding that he would have been better off hi-jacking the motherf*****g plane in the first place.”

Co-stars pencilled in to star alongside Jackson in Ash on a Plane include Harvey Keitel as an overworked Starbucks cashier, Kevin Spacey as a grounded flight attendant with a pressing engagement, and Danny Glover as a good cop one day short of his retirement.

“Who knows how it’ll go?” concluded Spielberg.  “We’ve developed a scriptand will begin filming in November, ahead of a release in January 2012.

“If it’s well received, then we can start thinking about a third film, which we’ve had in the pipeline for some time which tackles proposed strike action by British Airways cabin crews.

“It’ll be called Strikes on a Plane.”

England captain Collingwood apologises for Twenty20 final victory

In Sport on May 17, 2010 at 07:14

England's captain comiserates with the rest of the players after victory over Australia

England captain Paul Collingwood has apologised to the British public for victory in yesterday’s World Twenty20 final against Australia.

Collingwood himself hit the winning runs with three overs to spare in the Caribbean to give England their first ever world cricket title, but said:

“I’d just like to apologise to all the supporters who came all this way, and to everyone watching at home. We really did everything we could to throw this game away, like we normally do, but in the end we were just too good for Australia.

“The point is that is wasn’t just our batsmen who were inexplicably good, but our bowlers too – and not just today, but throughout the entire tournament.  And for that, I apologise.”

Craig Kievswetter and Kevin Pietersen were the most disappointed in the England dressing room after the final, having staged a second-wicket partnership of 111 to steer England to victory.

“I’m not sure how it happened,” said Pietersen. “We were both out there, slashing wildly at everything, not really talking to each other and taking outrageous risks as usual, but for some reason, it was just really, really difficult to get out today.”

To confound his misery, Pietersen was named man of the tournament after scoring 248 runs in total.

“Look, I’m as embarassed as anyone about this, alright?” was all he would say after sheepishly receiving the award.

England cricket expert Geoffrey Boycott said he thought the England team should be ashamed of their performance:

“There are hundreds of thousands of England cricket fans in this country who have been brought up with an expectation of disappointment when it comes to these tournaments,” he said.

“How do they expect them to feel now that they’ve actually gone and won something? I’m not sure, but uncertain, confused and a little bit angry should just about cover it.”

“I suppose that we’ve now just got to try and pick ourselves up after this unexpected and disapponting tournament success,” Collingwood concluded.

“All we can do is try our hardest to lose the majority of games remaining this year, which should put us in an excellent position to get thrashed in the Ashes this winter.”

Music from that bloody ‘Go Compare’ advert trapped in everyone’s head

In Media on May 14, 2010 at 12:38

The music from that bloody ‘Go Compare’ advert has been trapped in everybody’s head all sodding morning, according to everyone who has ever seen the damn thing.

Viewers began complaining after the ad was screened during a commercial break on GMTV nationwide at 8:03 am this morning, forcing the nation to travel to work with its incessantly irritating tune bouncing around its heads.

The advertisement features a plump, comically-styled tenor who surprises people in everyday situations, before bursting into a loud, sustained song which repeatedly implores the viewer to: “GO COMPARE! GO COMPARE!”.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhh!!!!!!!!

Experts have claimed that it has “the sort of appeal that makes you want to chew off both your ears, rip out your eyes with your bare hands and scream until you are hoarse.

“Really, it’s the kind of thing the Japanese would use as a last resort, and only after exhaustive water torture,” said Patrick Southall from the Advertising Standards Agency (ASA).

“I can understand why people give money to these people, if only because of the vain hope that they will put an end to their misery and make it all stop.”

Kate Jenkins, 29, from Sidcup said: “I only sat down in front of the TV this morning for five minutes while I had a cup of tea before heading to work.  Suddenly, all I can think of is that bloody song.

“I tried everything I could to make it stop – I even listened to The Lambada for God’s sake – but nothing could get rid of it.  Not even that.”

Some appear to have been more affected than others by the ‘Go Compare’ advert.  Ben Richards, 42, from Huddersfield was found rocking backwards and forwards next to his car shortly after the advert screened.

“Kill me.  Kill me.  Kill me,” he said, burying his head in his hands, and sobbing gently.

Staff at Gocompare.com were unavailable for comment, as they are thought to be too busy barricading themselves in their offices in anticipation of a large hate mob descending upon their offices with burning torches, sticks and a variety of other missiles.

Nick Clegg admits: ‘I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing here’

In Politics on May 13, 2010 at 06:16

"Er......"

New Deputy Prime Minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats Nick Clegg has publicly admitted that he has obsolutely no idea what he is doing in his new role.

Mr Clegg made the frank admission after completing his first day at 10 Downing Street, after forming a coalition with David Cameron’s Conservative Party.

“Let’s be honest here, I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing,” Mr Clegg said upon leaving Downing Street last night.

“I know that I’m Deputy Prime Minister, but the Lib Dems have been without any sort of power for so long that I’m buggered if I know what that job actually entails.”

New Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that his deputy had been experiencing some teethcing problems:

“He just keeps going missing. I’m not sure if he gets lost in the corridors of Downing Street or what, but at one point earlier I tried to seek him out to discuss the make-up of the cabinet and found that he had managed to lock himself in the toilet for three hours.

“We had planned to form a strong, stable government which would benefit everyone in the United Kingdom. But when the Deputy PM can’t even work out a simple lock on a toilet door, then you’ve got to start worrying.”

Downing Street insiders seemed equally perplexed by Mr Clegg’s inability to grasp the fundamentals of government, claiming that he asked: “What’s the cabinet?” and twice implored civil servants to “explain to me again – how does a coalition work?”

A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats explained their leader had spent a lot of time talking about how he was going to manouvre his party into a position of power, and absolutely none consideration what that power entails.  “I think Nick was expecting someone to give him some training on what he should do,” he said.

“At the moment, it’s pretty clear that he’s just winging it – let’s hope he doesn’t make any big mistakes, like accidentally starting a war with the United States or anything.”

Mr Clegg, meanwhile, assured reporters that he would “definitely get the hang of this government lark before too long” although he did make a point of asking: “has anyone has seen my friend Vince? I haven’t seen him for hours and I’m worried that the lock on the toilet door got the better of him too.”

Capello set to name 30 least awful players in the country

In Sport on May 11, 2010 at 07:06

England coach Fabio Capello will today announce what he thinks are the 30 least awful players in the country, ahead of next month’s World Cup Finals in South Africa.

The list of 30 will be cut down to 23 players, all of whom are considered to be marginally less terrible at playing football than the rest of the country.

“It’s been a tough decision,” said Capello last night. “I mean, look at our players – they are all pretty bad, almost without exception. I suppose I’ll just have to name the 30 players who are least likely to conclude every run on goal with a death-defying crash into the advertising hoardings.”

Not as awful as some of the other players

Asked if this ruled out the inclusion of Aston Villa’s Emile Heskey, Capello frowned. “No. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case and it looks like we’re stuck with him, despite the fact that he averages a goal every 43 months.

“We’ve also got at least two massively error prone goalkeepers, a lanky beanpole up front who has the subtlety and touch of a large articulated truck and a large number of players who have extreme difficulty keeping their trousers on when they see a pretty lady.

“Do Spain and Brazil have these problems?  I rather think not.”

Asked if England would do well at the World Cup, Capello’s assistant Stuart Pearce found time in between filming World Cup related TV adverts to declare: “Oh, sure. We’ll probably go on and win it quite easily and without even trying.

“After all, who have the other teams got? Messi? Ronaldo? Kaka? To hell with that. We’ve got Michael Carrick. The other countries might as well not bother showing up.”

Football’s governing body FIFA confirmed this morning that they had turned down a request from the FA to call some surprising new players into the squad.

“I can confirm that the FA made a request to bring in several players who would they feel will improve their team for the World Cup,” said a FIFA spokesperson.

“Unfortunately, we had to tell them that Pele has retired, not to mention the fact that he is Brazilian, while Roy Race and Billy the Fish are both entirely fictional characters.”

‘Can I be your friend?’ Cameron asks Clegg

In Politics on May 10, 2010 at 07:09

Alton Towers: made Nick Clegg sick

After months of crying, arguing and falling out, David Cameron has finally asked Nick Clegg if he will be his friend.

Cameron, 43, who already has lots of other friends, found to his surprise last week that he did not have quite as many as he thought he had.

As a result, Mr Cameron approached the Liberal Democrats leader at the swings outside Westminster over the weekend to see if they could be best chums forever, and to ask him if he would share his other friends.

“I’ve got Playstation, and crisps and lots of fizzy pop,” Cameron told Clegg, 43, in what was described as an ‘amicable’ meeting yesterday.

“Also, it’s my birthday soon, and we’re all going to have a big sleepover and then go to Alton Towers for the day. Oh, and I suppose we can discuss electoral reform too, if you really insist.”

Mr Clegg is thought to have responded by asking Mr Cameron which games he’s got for his Playstation, who his favourite football team is, and whether or not he felt that he could get on board with constitutional reform that included Proportional Representation in parliament.

“These are the key issues,” argued former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy. “If they are to be friends, then Nick will need to ask him all of these questions, as well as sounding him out for a lend of his bike.

“It’s worth noting that Nick has been to Alton Towers already quite recently, and was sick on one of the rollercoasters, so it’s not a very attractive proposal for him. This friendship is far from a done deal.”

Meanwhile, Labour leader Gordon Brown, 59, found out that he had lost a large number of his own friends last week, and argued that he would be a much better friend for Mr Clegg.

“Have I mentioned that my dad’s got a much better car?  Also, he’s bigger than Cameron’s dad.  And harder too.  I heard that David has only got a Playstation 2.  I’ve got a Playstation 3, with loads of cool fighting games, as well as some ace DVDs that Nick can borrow.

“If anyone should be Nick’s friend it’s me,” he concluded.

BBC political journalist Andrew Marr said: “What are they like?  If I had my way, we’d bash all of their heads together until they agree to form a meaningful, strong and stable government for Great Britain.  Perhaps they can resolve it all over a game of conkers?”

Politics is election’s real winner, claim defeated politicians

In Politics on May 7, 2010 at 07:11

Defeated politicians up and down the country are claiming that politics has been the real winner of yesterday’s General Election, according to reports from all three major political parties.

Although the official election outcome has resulted in the first hung parliament since 1974, politicians who lost their seats have suggested that this points to a strong moral victory for all the political parties, and indeed, politics itself.

“At this point, it’s not really important who won, and who lost what,” said Jacqui Smith, who lost her seat to Conservative Karen Lumley in the early hours of the morning.

Lembit Opik, talking about politics yesterday

“No, it’s far more relevant to applaud everyone who stood at this General Election and put on such an audacious display of politics. At times like these, it really is important to stress that it’s not the winning that counts, it’s the taking part.

“Although, obviously, winning is quite important too,” added Smith.

Lembit Opik, who lost his Liberal Democrat seat in Montgomeryshire to Conservative Glyn Davies agreed, declaring: “Over the course of this campaign we’ve seen some smashing politics, with some lovely policies and some very important speeches.

“I think it’s a shame that all of this is forgotten in the rush to remember who won this, or who threw away a clear majority in that seat.

“Perhaps we should spend a little less time worrying about the so-called ‘13.6% swing’ in any particular seat and a bit more celebrating the wonderful exhibition of politics we have been treated to.”

Former television presenter Esther Rantzen came fourth in Luton South with 1,872 votes but said: “What all these people who are focusing on the so-called ‘results’ are forgetting is that this has been an election where we have shown that we have the best politics in the world.

“I mean, sure, we can’t even organise an election without people complaining about the polls shutting on time, while the major parties are still bickering over who should get into power a clear 24 hours after polling started.

“But apart from that, this has been a red-letter day in politics for everyone, regardless of whether they won their seat, or were roundly thrashed, and one in which everyone around the world can look on with a degree of envy.”

General Election is great excuse to head to the pub early, says research

In Politics on May 6, 2010 at 07:13

More appealing than voting

Hundreds of thousands of voters across the country will be using today’s General Election as an excuse for bunking off work early and heading to the pub, according to new research released yesterday.

The study, conducted by the National Institute for Research (NIR) found that election-based excuses had already been made by British workers in order to secure a couple of hours of extra drinking time at the end of the working day.

“Our research points to an astonishing amount of creativity on behalf of British workers, who obviously view the prospect of sinking a few pints as more appealing than exercising their civic duty,” said the NIR’s Dudley Pilkington-Hume, who was responsible for the study.

“Although you could argue that this shows, on the one hand, a disproportionately large number of people using the same, tired excuse about wanting to leave early to get their vote in, the variety of reasons given is impressive.

“Indeed, the fact that polls open at 7am and do not close until 10pm means that excuses from work-shy people across the country have had to show a degree of ingenuity in order to make their story sound convincing.”

The study found that more than 34% of British workers will vaguely excuse themselves to leave early to vote because of ‘a thing’ they have to do after work. 23%, meanwhile, will claim that they have to vote early ‘for religious reasons’.

Other notable excuses to be used include ‘attending a piano recital tonight by my cat’ (5%) and ‘I’m standing as a local MP and want to do some last minute canvassing'(17%). 97% of those who said they would be leaving early to vote, also admitted that they would go directly to the pub, with the remaining 3% adamant that they will pick up a six-pack of premium strength lager on the way home.

Steve Jenkins, a 38 year-old insurance salesman from Basildon, Essex, summed up the general feeling of the electorate, stating: “To be honest, I don’t really care what time the polls open.  I’m much more concerned about what time the pubs open.  I’ll use any excuse I can to make sure I can get down to the drinking station as quickly as possible and this election has been a Godsend in that respect.”

A government spokesperson, who had been invited to denounce the study’s findings was unavailable for comment after declaring that he had to “nip out and have a quick dri-….I mean, vote.”

Cameron to ‘thcweam and thcweam and thcweam’ if not elected

In Politics on May 5, 2010 at 07:13

Conservative leader David Cameron has claimed that he will “thcweam and thcweam and thcweam” if he is not elected as Prime Minister in tomorrow’s election.

Speaking to Channel 4 News in a live interview on the eve of the election, Mr Cameron had been in the process of explaining Tory policy on immigration when presenter Jon Snow asked: “So then, what will happens if you don’t get elected?”

Viewers have described how the leader of the opposition’s face turned a bright shade of red, before he waved his arms, stamped his feet and declared: “I’ll thcweam and thcweam and thcweam.

"Must....not....thcweam...."

“I want to be Prime Minister!” wailed Mr Cameron, as he knocked over a glass of water and threw his microphone to the floor. “And I want it NOW. NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW.”

When asked to comment on the outburst from the Conservative leader, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: “To be honest, I think it’s a shame that David lacks the capacity to debate this issue like a grown-up. His childish tantrum is symptomatic of the way the Tories operate.”

However, Mr Brown did add: “Besides – I’M THE PRIME MINISTER. ME,” as he appeared to soil his trousers. “I was here first. It’s MY job.”

The Prime Minister then stuck his fingers in his ears and shouted, “LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. MINE, MINE, MINE, LA LA LA.”

“I wish they’d all just grow up,” said BBC political editor Nick Robinson, who demanded to be given an ice-cream before he would agree to comment.  “Honestly.  I haven’t seen anything like this since John Major had to be burped half-way through an interview on Newsnight in 1996.”

Lib Dems leader Nick Clegg, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment as it was well past his bed-time, while a senior party official claimed that he had cried so hard upon seeing the results of the latest poll that he’d been sick and thrown up his tea.

“He’s had a very busy day,” said a spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats.  “It’s for the best that we set him down for the night with his favourite teddy and a hot water bottle so that he’s bright-eyed and refreshed for tomorrow.

“He’s such a big, strong boy.”