Pope Benedict XVI has met with the woman who knocked him to the floor in St Peter’s Basilica on Christmas Eve for the first time and warned her: “You’d better run…you’d better hide. Because I’m coming for you, bitch.”
The Vatican said the pontiff had “a brief private meeting” with Susanna Maiolo where she had “pleaded for mercy.” Aides to the Pope have recounted hearing Maiolo “begging for her life” and “wailing” while the Pope “just laughed manically like a nutter.”
A statement said: “For his part, the Pope wanted to show her who was the daddy. All in all, we think he’s being very generous by giving her a one week head start before he hunts her down.”
Maiolo, 25, stunned the world on Christmas Eve when she leaped over a security barricade and dragged the pontiff to the floor.
At the time, the 82 year-old had to be physically dragged away from Maiolo, shouting: “You’re dead! You’re a f*****g dead woman!” before going on to give his traditional Christmas blessing to a shocked congregation.
“I’ve got to hand it to her,” said Pope Benedict XVI yesterday, “when she had a go at me in 2008, I put it down to the exuberance of youth and decided not to make her life a living hell. But this is different. Nobody tickles my balls twice and gets away with it.”
Asked if there was any hope of forgiveness from the Pope towards Maiolo for her actions, one Vatican insider burst out laughing. “You really don’t know what he’s like, do you?” they said.
“He’s simply not the forgiving type. I remember when he was waiting for them to send the white smoke to signal that he had been chosen as the new Pope, he grew impatient at waiting, and kung-fu kicked three Cardinals in the hope of speeding things up a bit. Needless to say, it did the trick.”
Speaking from the safety of a safehouse, Maiolo was unsurprisingly repentent for her actions: “I went in to see him and thought to myself, ‘you know, this guy is supposed to be God’s representative on Earth, what’s the worst that can happen?’ Well, I can’t begin to describe the tirade of obscenities and invective that followed.
“I’m genuinely fearful for my life – I don’t know much, but I do know that Pope Benedict XVI is a trained, ruthless assassin, and that he will stop at nothing until I’m dead. I just wish I could go back and change what I’ve done…”
“She had better be hiding in a good place,” concluded the Pope, “because this time it’s personal.”