authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

Ugly, charmless footballer in sex scandal shock

In Lifestyle, Sport on February 1, 2010 at 08:52

Phwwwoooooooaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr

The world of football has been rocked by weekend allegations that a completely charmless, ugly footballer has been embroiled in a sex scandal involving a highly attractive model.

John Terry, 29, has faced extensive media coverage about his alleged relationship with swimwear model Vanessa Perroncel, who at the time of the affair was seeing Wayne Bridge’s former Chelsea team-mate.

Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelloti said: “When I first heard the news I was surprised. Not because it broke the sacred bond between players in the dressing room, or because it diminishes the respect I have for Terry in any way.

“No, I was shocked because this Perroncel bird is well fit. I mean, have you seen her? John Terry might be England captain, but he’s not exactly an oil painting, is he?”

Chelsea fan Brian Swanson, 41, from Chiswick agrees: “Let’s be clear about this. John Terry is very good at football, but he’s about as charming as the prospect of contracting venereal disease.

“He’s already married with kids, so you’d have thought that as a man of fairly limited appeal, he’d be happy some poor girl has taken pity on him and leave it at that. How he’s managed to snare a swimwear model is beyond me – fair play to him.”

Pundits are already speculating as to whether Terry can use his mysterious talents to England’s benefit in this summer’s World Cup finals. BBC analyst Mark Lawrenson said:

“I can only assume that Terry manages to get these women by somehow shape-shifting into George Clooney or Brad Pitt, before seducing them. It’s the only explanation. Picture the scene: It’s England v Brazil in the World Cup Quarter-Final and the score is 0-0 in injury time with all to play for.

“Suddenly Kaka bursts through on the England defence – he only has John Terry to beat before he has the simple task of beating whichever hapless goalkeeper England happen to have between the sticks. Does Terry decide to lunge in and risk a red card for a professional foul? Or does he simply use his shape-shifting power to morph into a silver-tongued lothario, distracting Kaka from his shot by gyrating his hips suggestively?

“I think this could be Capello’s secret weapon,” concluded Lawrenson.

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