Pop guru Simon Cowell has unveiled his charity song for Haiti, released with the surprising aim of raising spirits amongst the victims of the earthquake through an anti-suicide message.
The song, a cover of REM’s 1993 hit Everybody Hurts, implores the listener to support the Haiti earthquake appeal by rejecting suicide and asks them to “hold on,” as various celebrities, including Mariah Carey, Leona Lewis, Kylie Minogue and Westlife warble their way through proceedings.
“What we’re trying to get through here,” said Cowell, at a press conference to announce the release of the record, “is that the earthquake in Haiti was a terrible tragedy. But suicide isn’t the answer. Not that you might have thought it ever was. But just in case you did, then it isn’t. Got it?”
Responding to accusations that his team of researchers simply picked the first sad song they could find, without so much as glancing at the deeper meaning of the lyrics, hopping straight into the recording studio, before anybody could explain the facts of the matter, Cowell said: “The suggestion that we went with the first song my researcher heard on her iPod is a ludicrous one, even if it is entirely supported by the fact that Everybody Hurts is a wildly inappropriate song for this cause.
“Look, we had a simple choice on the day. Either we covered this or The Birdie Song. Don’t ask….our researcher has a weird playlist on her iPod and we just had to make a quick decision.”
Music fans had their first chance to hear Simon Cowell’s song for Haiti yesterday after websites and radio stations around the country played the track.
Haitian earthquake survivor Emmanuel Madison was played the record this morning and looked visibly delighted: “Wow, this is amazing. To know that Robbie Williams was reunited with Take That just to aid our cause brought a tear to my eye.
“And when I heard that one record could contain the vocal talents of Mika, Michael Buble, X Factor winner Joe McElderry, Miley Cyrus, Gary Barlow, Mark Owen, Jon Bon Jovi, Aston Merrygold and Marvin Humes from JLS – all telling me to ‘hold on’….?
“Well, it just convinced me that all the pain and suffering of the past few weeks has been worthwhile. Just for them, I’m not going to go out and commit suicide. Thanks guys!”