Class ‘A’ drugs such as heroin, crack cocaine and LSD are amongst a number of substances that could be good for your eyesight, according to new, obviously made-up research published yesterday.
It is feared that the controversial research, which follows the similarly suspicious news earlier this week that a pint of beer a day could be good for your bones, could lead to a sharp rise in the number of habitual drug users searching for 20:20 vision.
Dr. Jacob Russell, who oversaw the research an unnamed University refuted allegations that the results of his research were completely fabricated:
“We tested more than 100 students, using a variety of different class ‘A’ narcotics students, all of whom were were provided with a large stash of drugs of varying degrees and strengths, from vitamin pills through to Ecstasy tabs, with the stated objective of ‘seeing what would happen’.
“Some of them definitely reported better eyesight, although we can’t discount the possibility that they came back wearing contact lenses so that they could feed their habit and take part in more ‘testing’. They also failed all of their exams and were checked into rehab, but that’s a separate issue. It’s just like the old adage about carrots helping you to see in the dark. Except of course, that in this case, it’s not a carrot, it’s a crack pipe.”
Paula Clarke, 20, was one of the students to take part in the research and was enthusiastic about the results.
“Before taking part in the study I suffered from severe short-sightedness, but now I barely need glasses at all, as I spend my days staring into the middle distance, trying desperately to concentrate and remember my own name. What was the question again?”
Europe Against Drugs (EAD) spokesperson Emily Stewart said: “Usually, we’d be making a bit of a scene about how irresponsible it is for a leading University to publish these findings in the public domain. But to be honest, we don’t really give much of a crap about this.
“Next week there’ll probably be another made-up piece of research published which ‘demonstrates’ the extent to which bananas can be used for time-travel. We’re treating this with a similar amount of contempt, and so should you.”