Technology giant Google has unveiled its new ‘Google Wheel’ as part of a radical new plan to re-invent everything that has ever been made since the dawn of time. The news follows the announcement of its brand new social media platform, nearly two years after the idea was relevant or interesting to anyone involved.
Although treated with scepticism from those outside the industry, Google have assured the public that the Google Wheel will be better than any existing wheel, and urged anyone currently using a wheel to change to Google’s version immediately.
“Go on,” Google said in a persistent, nagging tone of voice. “Try it. Go oooooooooooooooon. Go ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.”
Trevor Schofield, 36, from Sidcup has been testing the Google Wheel for two months and was enthusiastic about its many uses. “I used to have ordinary, boring wheels on my car, which didn’t really do much else other than supporting the weight of the vehicle and allowing it to move in the direction I steered it,” he said.
“But that all changed when I got hold of the new Google Wheel from Google. Now I can use my wheels for checking my Gmail account, searching for things on the web and Instant Messaging – all whilst hanging my head dangerously out of the car door while I’m driving.”
Google Buzz, which was unveiled earlier this week, and greeted with about as much enthusiasm as a wet fart in a small, crowded space, is Google’s answer to Twitter and Facebook – two more existing services that Google have re-invented in their own image.
Experts have claimed that the announcement has already broken records for the number of people failing to show any interest whatsoever, citing the popularity of existing platforms and the fact that the whole idea is ‘a bit stupid, really.’
However, Google’s Marketing director Adam Stringer defended Google Buzz, arguing: “What these people don’t understand is that everyone is sick and tired of using Twitter and Facebook to connect with people they know and to interact.
“Sure, they’ve spent years painstakingly adding contacts to these existing plalforms, getting to grips with the interface and interacting on a daily basis. But we feel confident that, like with Google Wheel, everyone will just decide that our version is better, stop using Twitter and Facebook and go with that instead. After all, you can connect to Gmail through it!”
The Google Wheel will be made available for purchase to people with learning difficulties and the chronically stupid in all leading retail outlets from Monday.