Chelsea and England footballer Ashley Cole has promised to give up being a hateful little chav for Lent, according to a statement on the FA’s website. The news follows mounting media speculation that Cole made the decision to change his lifestyle because of a misunderstanding of the origins of Ash Wednesday.
“Ashley thought Ash Wednesday meant that everyone called Ash – or Ashley – had to give up something dear to them,” revealed a source. “In his case, he thought he had to give up being a loathsome gobshite and the kind of idiot that sends semi-naked pictures of himself to Page 3 girls.
“As a result, he’s going to have to give up being a chav for forty days – probably longer. He’s going to be very angry when it is explained to him that Ash Wednesday is more about religious abstinence than anything, and that he’s got the wrong end of the stick.”
Despite the misunderstanding, it is thought that Cole, 29, who is married to Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole, was put under additional pressure by a mysterious source to give up his chavvy ways for Lent.
A Chelsea insider noted: “The day after the tabloids had all those pictures of Ashley showing his nipples off, he arrived at the training ground covered in bruises.
“He was rocking backwards and forwards and kept muttering to himself something about not taking his shirt off in public or ‘the Geordie will beat me’. Who he was referring to is anyone’s guess. It’ll just have to remain a mystery, I suppose.”
Cheryl Cole made a brief statement to the press on the matter at last night’s Brit Awards, insisting that: “Ashley’s been a very naughty boy, and he’s not allowed out to play until he becomes much less of an annoying, money-obsessed little prick. First, of course, he’s going to have to do something about having the kind of face that you just want to lay into with a piece of lead piping….er, not that I’ve ever done that to him, you understand.”
As part of his commitment to giving up being a chav, it is thought that Ashley Cole has decided to throw out his mobile phone to avoid temptation, and will simply carry around a two-way walkie-talkie with Cheryl, in case he needs to contact his wife.
Neighbours have also spoken of how Ashley knocked on their door this morning, wearing a nice cardigan, to bring some chocolate-chip muffins he had ‘spent the day baking.’
“It’s so refreshing to see young Ashley change his ways,” said Deirdre Palmer, 83, an elderly neighbour of Cole’s. “Mind you, he was acting like such an utter w****r, that anything would have been an improvement, I suppose.”