Prime Minister Gordon Brown was involved in further controversy last night after it emerged that he has been stealing lunch money from Downing Street staff after employing more of his bully-boy tactics.
Mr Brown has denied the weekend’s accusations that he pushed, shoved and grabbed aides by the lapels and that he was the subject of an internal investigation on alleged agressive behaviour. New allegations have insisted, however, that the Prime Minister “sneaked up” on government workers and “demanded” they handed over their lunch money “or else”.
“The whole episode has been extremely traumatic,” said a leading member of the cabinet, who was unwilling to provide his name.
“The Prime Minister waits in a cupboard under the stairs then sneaks up on you when you aren’t looking before threatening to either give you a wedgie or flush your head down the toilet unless you give in to his demands. I’ve become a nervous wreck every time I go into no. 10…when will this end??”
“I wouldn’t mind if the money was going towards a good cause,” said another anonymous source, “I mean, if he was using it to subsidise the NHS, I don’t think anybody would really care. But it’s all going towards his pocket. It’s just greedy.
“He’s the Prime Minister, for God’s sake. Isn’t he earning enough without stealing my lunch money? I’ve had my head down the toilet three times already this month and he hasn’t even got a tenner off me…what’s he trying to gain from this, apart from trying to instill a culture of fear and make everybody really, really hungry?”
Over twenty-five members of staff at Downing Street, ranging from cleaners to cabinet members, have complained about Mr Brown’s attempts to co-erce them into handing over their lunch money, through a variety of tactics, said to include nipple-tweaking, Chinese burns, name-calling and wet willies.
Asked about the latest allegations, Mr Brown was unrepentant: “Oh, sure, somebody had to go squealing didn’t they? Well, let me tell you, as soon as I find out who it was, they are going to get it….big time. Let me tell you, there’s no room in this party for squealers. When I find out who it is, I’m going to deck them good and proper. I don’t care if they tell their mum or anything.”