British Airways has announced that it has hired The A-Team in a bid to end cabin crew strike action due to commence this weekend.
In a statement to the press this morning, BA confirmed that it felt it had exhausted all diplomatic options with representatives from Unite throughout the negotiation process and had been forced to turn to the renegade crack commando unit for assistance.
“We’ve been in negotiations with Unite for many weeks now,” emphasised a BA spokesperson, “but unfortunately talks have now stalled. We had remained open to a peaceful solution…that is, until they started to involve trade unions from other countries. They want to play rough do they? I pity the fools.”
British Airways Chief Executive Willie Walsh welcomed the move, although could not confirm when he expected The A-Team to resolve the dispute. “I think that getting in these soldiers of fortune is an excellent move, and one that symbolises the BA attitude – and not just because one of them is called ‘BA’, either.
“I’m not sure how long it will take the guys to stick it to Unite, but I do know that we have plenty of empty hangars at Heathrow for them to burst out of in slow motion, whilst firing machine guns that never seem to hurt anyone.
“I would also expect Templeton ‘Face Man’ Peck to romance a high-ranking female Unite official as well as some kind of high jinx involving ‘Howlin Mad’ Murdoch and a helicopter. I can’t wait.”
Spokesperson for The A-Team, John ‘Hannibal’ Smith said that the team were looking forward to getting started on their new assignment. “We are keen to get going,” said Smith earlier, “although I’ll admit that there were some initial reservations from BA Baracus after he realised he would be working in such close proximity to aeroplanes.
“However, once he clarified his position on the matter, by confirming that he ‘ain’t going on no plane, fool’ we were all set. Personally, I’m looking forward to walking around in some kind of elaborate disguise and concoting a fiendishly cunning plan to win the day.”
BA were at pains to point out that they were not aiding and abetting criminals through their use of The A-Team. “In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they DIDN’T commit,” confirmed a spokesperson. “If your cabin crew are threatening strike action, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… The A-Team.”