authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

America celebrates not having to pay for basic human right

In World News on March 22, 2010 at 08:15

"Aw, shucks. It was nothing...really"

US citizens were last night wildly celebrating the fact that they no longer have to pay for one of the most basic human rights in existence.

The fight to not have to dig into your pocket in order to breathe and walk properly was effectively ended after US politicians decided not to err on the side of death and pestilence by agreeing to accept President Barack Obama’s healthcare reform bill.

“This Bill will ensure that the basic human right of living a life free from illness or disease will be widened to all US citizens, and not just those with enough cash to perpetually line the pockets of the insurance companies,” said a Democrat spokesperson.

“It also brings The Greatest Country in the World firmly into the 21st Century and will move our citizens away from the kind of archaic situation that any right-thinking nation would have abolished more than 60 years ago.”

The House of Representatives voted the landmark legislation through by 219 votes to 212 – a move that will extend healthcare coverage to 32 million Americans who would, under the old system, have simply been ignored until they either died or stopped whinging.

President Obama, who is expected to sign the Bill later, welcomed the move.

“Under this Bill, health insurance will be extended to virtually all American, new taxes imposed on the wealthy and restrictive insurance practices will be banned,” he said.  “It also means I have finally delivered on one of the promises that got me elected, which should mean that everyone will start to love me again and shout ‘Yes we can!” wherever I go.

President Obama continued, “Owing to the fact that this is likely to be so popular, I am pleased to announce that I will also be looking into ways to make sure that no American citizen has to pay for oxygen, a sense of smell, the right to speak, or any petrol or oil.  Actually, scratch that last one.

“Do I get another Peace prize for this? I hope so. The last one had a great buffet and a disco afterwards.  Anyway, the point is, they’ve got my number.”

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