authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

“Sh*t! Have you seen what the terrorists are going to do at London 2012?” asks scaremongering expert

In News on March 24, 2010 at 08:15

London 2012

A cyber security expert has tried to induce a state of general fear and panic across the nation by highlighting all the things the terrorists can, and in all probability will deploy at the London Olympics in 2012.

Professor Peter Sommer of the London School of Economics claimed that terrorists could use a “blended attack” to simultaneously hit physical targets and cyber systems during the London Olympic Games, and achieved his objective of completely putting the sh*ts up everybody in the process.

“Sh*t! Have you seen what the terrorists are going to do at the Olympics?” the Professor asked yesterday in a statement to the press which caused three journalists to soil themselves and left another four needing a very long lie down.

“It’s going to be incredible! We’re probably all going to die, or at the very least, get very seriously injured by bombs and stuff. Awesome!”

The Professor continued to scare everyone within an inch of their lives by outlining how he thinks the terrorists will go about inflicting tremendous pain and suffering in London in just over two years time.

“Look, I’m no terrorist… I wish I was, it would be totally amazing…but if I was them, I would use a blended attack to compromise both cyber targets and physical ones. That way, everyone will be completely f****d,” said the Professor.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t go anywhere near London in 2012. Not unless you want to be blown into Kingdom come. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Chris Allison of the Metropolitan Police, the man in charge of Olympic Security, admitted that he had been “laying brown cable” all morning just thinking about Professor Sommer’s claims.

“Did you hear what he said about the terrorists hacking into computers?” he said from the sanctuary of his hiding place underneath the kitchen table, “I don’t know about you, but I’m seriously starting to panic.

“Oh sure, I’ve got a £600m budget to deal with this sort of thing, but what am I supposed to do with that, when they are HACKING INTO OUR COMPUTERS?

“We might as well just give up. I mean, what’s the point? That’s my view, anyway.” Allison concluded, while carefully adjusting the saucepan he was wearing to protect his head.

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