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Wurzels demand fight with Chancellor over right to cheap cider

In Music, Politics on March 25, 2010 at 14:19

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was said to be taking refuge inside no.11 Downing Street this afternoon after being challenged to fight by Somerset-based band The Wurzerls over the right to drink cheap cider.

Mr. Darling, who announced in yesterday’s budget that duty on cider would increase by 10% above the rate of inflation from midnight on Sunday, was said to have locked himself in a cupboard under the stairs, while the four-piece yokels hammered on his door, shouting cider-related obscenities.

The Wurzels, in happier times

“I am a cider drinker,” said Wurzels front man Pete Budd angrily, as the rest of the band gesticulated angrily outside the Chancellor’s home.  “I drinks it all of the day.  I am a cider drinker, it soothes all me troubles away. Oh arr oh arr aay.  Oh arr oh arr aay.”

“As soon as we heard about the tax on cider, we climbed on our brand new combine harvester and drove it all the way up to London,” interjected accordion player Tommy Banner.  “Who does this Darling bloke think he is?  We walked right up to no.11, knocked on the door, and challenged him to a good, old fashioned scrap.  Aaaarrrr.”

A spokesperson for the Chancellor insisted that he was “clearly not hiding from the Wurzels” and that he has always been a “big fan”, although “important matters of state that requiring urgent attention” meant that he was “regrettably unable to meet with them on this occasion”.

The statement was rendered slightly less believable by the loud, protracted sobbing noises coming from inside no.11 Downing Street, which are believed to originate from Mr. Darling.

“Come on out, you lily-livered buffoon!  We know you’re in there!” shouted drummer John Morgan, before attempting to rythmically smash the door open using two empty cider bottles.  “I’ll smash your face open by 10% above the rate of your nose!”

Band manager Bernard Heckleforth said: “All the boys want is to have a cheap pint of cider.  As Pete says, they are all cider drinkers, and so yesterday’s news came as quite a shock to everyone concerned.

“I’m sure that if Mr Darling was to come out and let one of the lads have a swing at him, then the whole thing would soon be forgotten about.  Let’s just hope and pray that there’s nothing in the next budget about taxing rabbit stew.”

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