Wayne Rooney was last night undergoing medical tests to ascertain the seriousness of an injury that is threatening to put an end to civilisation as we know it.
The Premier League’s leading scorer and leading choice for footballer of the year had to be helped from the pitch with suspected ankle ligament damage after Manchester United’s 2-1 defeat in the first leg of their Champions League quarter-final against Bayern Munich last night, seemingly unaware of the sense of impending doom the injury had created.
Rooney, who left the Allianz Arena in Munich on crutches and with his right foot in a protective boot, was due to have a hospital scan today amid concerns that he could be facing a possible six-week lay-off. However, team doctor Dr. Steve McNally took time out from burying his head deep in his hands, rocking backwards and forwards and wailing softly, to comment:
“What’s the point? I mean, what’s the point in anything anymore? He’s probably out for the rest of the title run-in, not to mention the World Cup finals. Anything we do to help him will probably just make the whole thing worse.
“It’s time we all ran out onto the streets, and started looting and pillaging, because, to be honest, I can’t really see anything else worth living for. Can you?”
Rooney’s manager, Sir Alex Ferguson painted a bleak picture of how life would be without Rooney over the next six weeks or so. “I think we all hoped and prayed that this day would never come…but it looks like it has,” a morose Ferguson announced.
“I’m afraid that everyone has to plan for the worst, and barricade ourselves inside our homes with as many supplies of fresh water and grain as we can muster, all the while hoping – against hope – that somehow everything turns out alright. This is a time to be with your loved ones. Go to them.”
Asked whether or not there was any chance that Rooney, 24, would recover in time for United’s title run-in, the United manager broke down.
“WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?” he wailed. “I blame myself…I honestly do. If only I hadn’t been so selfish in my pursuit of a second away goal in Munich. If only I had taken him off five minutes earlier….if only. And now…now, everything is lost.”
Asked for his view on Rooney’s injury, BBC pundit Alan Hansen would only say: “May God have mercy on us all. I still fancy Liverpool for the title, though.”