Gordon Brown will today announce that he will be delaying the General Election until he is much more popular with voters.
The Prime Minister, who was set to announce a May 6th election date today, will instead visit the Queen and ask if there’s any chance of him staying in office until either people find him less repulsive or he retires.
“I’d really love to call an election today. No, honestly, I would,” said the Prime Minister earlier.
“Thing is, I’ve noticed that people aren’t really all that keen on me at the minute, so I was thinking that I might have to hold off on the whole election thing for a bit, in case that Cameron bloke wins. You can see the bind I’m in.”
YouGov’s latest election poll puts the Tories 10 points ahead, subtantiating Mr Brown’s claim that they might, in fact, win if the election was to be called for early May.
Instead, the Prime Minister is thought to prefer “putting the election off for a bit” until people seem to like him a lot more.
“Mr Brown is being perfectly reasonable,” said a Downing Street spokesperson. “I mean, look. The Camerons expecting a baby for God’s sake! How do you expect the Prime Minister to compete with that?
“Ideally, we would like to wait until that child is in his late teens, causing loads of bad publicity through drunken, rowdy behaviour before even thinking about an election.”
In a statement to the press, the chancellor echoed Mr Brown’s sentiment. “The people of this country have waited a long time to see somebody run this country with a sense of style, class and charisma,” said Mr Darling.
“So what’s the problem with making them wait a bit longer? I have to say that from where I’m sitting, I don’t see one.”
Conservative leader David Cameron was not impressed with the Prime Minister’s plan. “It’s no real surprise that Mr Brown isn’t very popular with the voters,” he said.
“I mean, if you try and identify the Prime Minister’s principle characteristics – a false eye, a facial twitch and, if you believe the reports, a slightly aggresive nature to subordinates, then basically, to all intents and purposes, you’re describing a Bond villain.”