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Election 2010: How will you waste your vote?

In Politics on April 14, 2010 at 10:21

The new Member of Parliament for Stockton North

Thousands of people across the country are still undecided as to the best way of wasting their vote in next month’s General Election, according to a Gallup poll.

The survey shows that of those interviewed, more than 87% were still uncertain exactly how they would be setting their democratic right alight on May 6th, before metaphorically urinating on its smouldering remains.

“If this poll shows anything, it’s that there is a fairly even balance between those who simply can’t be bothered with the electoral process whatsoever, and those who are actively trying to sabotage it by using their vote in as ludicrous a fashion as possible,” said Trevor Hendry, who lead the research for Gallup.

“We’ve interviewed a range of people, all over the country, some of whom had switched off from the election so much that they couldn’t name any of the main three political parties, and thought that Gordon Brown was a song by the Stranglers.  Others, however, seem far more dedicated in their quest for electoral apathy.”

Hendry cited the example of Stockton North, where voters have been trying to avoid using exercising their democratic right in any serious way, by installing a dead fish as a candidate for their local seat.

“It’s a three-week old mackerel,” said Susan Hillman, 42, who has been campaigning on behalf of the Dead Fish Party.  “Or at least it was.  Now, it’s just a rotting carcass, which, to be quite honest, is beginning to smell.  It still has a much better chance of winning than the incumbent Labour candidate, though, that’s for sure.”

“Obviously, we have to keep the fish in deep freeze in between knocking door-to-door with him, but our campaign slogan: ‘I would taste really good with chips’ seems to be a hit with the voters in the area.

“There are also certain logistical issues around how the fish can physically represent Stockton North in the House of Commons…after all, he’s a dead fish.  But we’re confident that they can all be overcome.”

A Labour Party spokesperson said: “The results of the poll have certainly struck a chord with the Prime Minister.  He’s volunteered to do all of his campaigning whilst standing in a bucket of custard, in attempt to convince people that they are wasting their vote on him.

“Although, to be fair, some people seem to have got that impression already.”


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