The Scottish National Party (SNP) has moved to discredit rumours that its election manifesto will be built around a promise to offer free kilts and haggis to all voters. The manifesto will be set out today by First Minister Alex Salmond, who this morning denied that the rumours were true.
“The SNP’s election manifesto will be built around the fact that a hung parliament could offer Scotland its greatest ever opportunity,” Salmond insisted.
“We want to create 60,000 green energy jobs over the next decade and are not focusing in any way on giving free kilts and haggis to voters. Nor will we be handing out any ginger wigs and making people wear them. Honestly, I don’t know where these suggestions have come from.”
Ahead of the election on May 6th, the SNP have been canvassing voters and spelling out its policies on unilateral nuclear disarmament, progressive personal taxation and the eradication of poverty.
Douglas McHendry, 68, a pensioner from Edinburgh, said he was surprised at the SNP’s policies after meeting Calum Cashley, the candidate for Edinburgh North and Leith. “To be honest, I was expecting them to advocate more practical measures, like enforcing the playing of bagpipes in all public places, and deep frying all confectionary on sale in the country,” he said.
“I also thought they might campaign a little bit harder for the excellent Jimmy Krankie to return to our television screens, and make every single cinema in the country show Braveheart three times a day at a minimum. But apparently, the SNP seem to think that there are more pressing matters for the Scottish electorate to concentrate on. For shame.”
The SNP have refused to comment on speculation that Rab C. Nesbitt could be brought in to replace Salmond if the election campaign is not a success.
“Yes, we understand that there are lots of people who identify with Rab C. Nesbitt across Scotland,” said an SNP spokesperson, “but the fact remains that he’s a fictional character, and it just isn’t possible to get him to hold a parliamentary seat.
“It sounds to me like there are some people south of the border who have been associating the SNP with lazy national stereotypes, instead of examining our policies.”
Meanwhile, the Scottish character from The Russ Abbott Show was unavailable for comment, although friends say that he uttered an emphatic “I’ll see you Jimmy!” upon discussing the matter recently.