authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

‘Batsh*t mental’ Hawking starts talking to everyone about aliens

In Science on April 26, 2010 at 07:19

Self-styled ‘Doctor of Time and Space’, Stephen Hawking was last night labelled “Batsh*t mental” after speaking openly about the fact that aliens in massive spaceships could invade the earth.

Professor Hawking was speaking on a documentary made by the Discovery Channel and said: “I imagine they [the aliens] might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet…Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.”

"I hate to say I told you so, but..."

Asked whether or not he thought that speaking about aliens was a good idea, he responded: “To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational.”

“What a load of b*llocks,” said 27 year-old insurance broker Kevin Poole, from Chester.  “Mathematical brain, my ar*e.  I’ve got a 2:2 in Classical Studies from the Open University, and it’s still enough for me to tell that Hawking has been watching a little too much of The X-Files.”

“It looks to me like Professor Hawking has gone completely batsh*t mental,” agreed Stephanie Mills, 34, from Lowestoft.  “I mean, I could understand it when he was talking generally about his theories around cosmology in his critically acclaimed book A Brief History of Time.  People appreciated that, and they respected his views.

“But to be perfectly honest, the minute he starts trying to put the fear of God into everyone by insinuating that little green men are going to rampage over the earth with ray guns, conducting weird anal experiments on us all, is the exact minute that he loses all credibility with me.  What a loony.”

Professor Hawking has remained adamant that he has not turned mental, and insists that he had a valid point: “Listen, all I was saying was that it is highly likely that aliens exist.

“The universe has 100 billion galaxies, each containing hundreds of millions of stars. In such a big place, Earth is highly unlikely to be the only planet where life has evolved,” he said.

Thygdfraaahjjjjjjk Snmyartttyyyyyk, from the planet Tharg stared longingly at a holographic projection of earth before admitting: “He’s right, you know.  Our spaceships are absolutely massive.

“And we’re probably going to invade you, crushing your puny human bodies like a piece of fruit.  How’s Thursday week for you?”


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