England coach Fabio Capello will today announce what he thinks are the 30 least awful players in the country, ahead of next month’s World Cup Finals in South Africa.
The list of 30 will be cut down to 23 players, all of whom are considered to be marginally less terrible at playing football than the rest of the country.
“It’s been a tough decision,” said Capello last night. “I mean, look at our players – they are all pretty bad, almost without exception. I suppose I’ll just have to name the 30 players who are least likely to conclude every run on goal with a death-defying crash into the advertising hoardings.”
Asked if this ruled out the inclusion of Aston Villa’s Emile Heskey, Capello frowned. “No. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case and it looks like we’re stuck with him, despite the fact that he averages a goal every 43 months.
“We’ve also got at least two massively error prone goalkeepers, a lanky beanpole up front who has the subtlety and touch of a large articulated truck and a large number of players who have extreme difficulty keeping their trousers on when they see a pretty lady.
“Do Spain and Brazil have these problems? I rather think not.”
Asked if England would do well at the World Cup, Capello’s assistant Stuart Pearce found time in between filming World Cup related TV adverts to declare: “Oh, sure. We’ll probably go on and win it quite easily and without even trying.
“After all, who have the other teams got? Messi? Ronaldo? Kaka? To hell with that. We’ve got Michael Carrick. The other countries might as well not bother showing up.”
Football’s governing body FIFA confirmed this morning that they had turned down a request from the FA to call some surprising new players into the squad.
“I can confirm that the FA made a request to bring in several players who would they feel will improve their team for the World Cup,” said a FIFA spokesperson.
“Unfortunately, we had to tell them that Pele has retired, not to mention the fact that he is Brazilian, while Roy Race and Billy the Fish are both entirely fictional characters.”