New Deputy Prime Minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats Nick Clegg has publicly admitted that he has obsolutely no idea what he is doing in his new role.
Mr Clegg made the frank admission after completing his first day at 10 Downing Street, after forming a coalition with David Cameron’s Conservative Party.
“Let’s be honest here, I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing,” Mr Clegg said upon leaving Downing Street last night.
“I know that I’m Deputy Prime Minister, but the Lib Dems have been without any sort of power for so long that I’m buggered if I know what that job actually entails.”
New Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that his deputy had been experiencing some teethcing problems:
“He just keeps going missing. I’m not sure if he gets lost in the corridors of Downing Street or what, but at one point earlier I tried to seek him out to discuss the make-up of the cabinet and found that he had managed to lock himself in the toilet for three hours.
“We had planned to form a strong, stable government which would benefit everyone in the United Kingdom. But when the Deputy PM can’t even work out a simple lock on a toilet door, then you’ve got to start worrying.”
Downing Street insiders seemed equally perplexed by Mr Clegg’s inability to grasp the fundamentals of government, claiming that he asked: “What’s the cabinet?” and twice implored civil servants to “explain to me again – how does a coalition work?”
A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats explained their leader had spent a lot of time talking about how he was going to manouvre his party into a position of power, and absolutely none consideration what that power entails. “I think Nick was expecting someone to give him some training on what he should do,” he said.
“At the moment, it’s pretty clear that he’s just winging it – let’s hope he doesn’t make any big mistakes, like accidentally starting a war with the United States or anything.”
Mr Clegg, meanwhile, assured reporters that he would “definitely get the hang of this government lark before too long” although he did make a point of asking: “has anyone has seen my friend Vince? I haven’t seen him for hours and I’m worried that the lock on the toilet door got the better of him too.”