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Archive for the ‘Education’ Category

Spanish region promotes ononism, ridiculed by everyone

In Education, News on November 13, 2009 at 10:09

A jazz mag

Officials in the Spanish region of Extremadura have reacted angrily after a sex education programme aimed at teaching teenagers the value of ononism ended with everyone in the region branded as “a bunch of w*****s”.

The programme, which bears the slogan ‘Pleasure in your own hands’ seeks to challenge traditional Roman Catholic views on sex, even with one’s self and for non-reproductive reasons, by offering literature which displays a number of ‘self pleasuring techniques’.

“This is SO embarassing,” said Jose Maria Exteberria, 17, one of the first recipients of the material. “My cousin Manuel lives in the neighbouring Andalucian region, and he phones me up three times a day now, laughing his head off, calls me a ‘tosser’ and then hangs up. I mean, what am I supposed to do about it?”

As part of the kit to promote ononism, teenagers like Jose will receive a pamphlet demonstrating how they can get the best results out of their you-know-what, without getting all, well, you know.  The pack also includes a starter pack of jazz magazines, a fun badge and hat set for the recipient to wear about town stating: ‘I like bashing the bishop! Do you?’ and a multi-pack of Kleenex.

Hernandez Carron of the right wing People’s party believes that the regions reputation has suffered as a result of the initiative: “We have become the laughing stock of Spain,” he said in a statement last night. “Do you honestly think teenagers need advice and encouragement to engage in even more ononistic activity?I’ve got a 15 year old son and I practically have to handcuff his hands behind his back each night to stop him.”

Extremadura is the poorest region of Spain, with the highest rate of unemployment and many are asking why the government is wasting precious resources on funding a campaign to promote ononism.

“Well, to be honest,” said Laura Garrido, President of the Youth Council of Extremadura, “this is part of a long term strategy we have of promoting real-life scenarios to our kids.  Sure, we could have promoted safe sex, but as most of the tenagers here are ugly and won’t get a job, they are unlikely to go within 200 yards of a real girl, so we thought why not teach them something they can actually use instead?”

Exam Board Announces Controversial Plans to Enlist Daleks to Mark English Papers

In Education, News on September 25, 2009 at 17:00

The owner of one of  England’s three major exam boards has announced controversial measures to allow the Daleks, Doctor Who’s nemesis, to mark English exam essays in the UK from next month.  Pearson, the American-based parent company of Edexcel, is to use the Daleks to ‘read’ and assess essays for international English tests amidst fears that GCSEs and A-levels will be next for Dalek marking.  The move comes in the wake of rumours that ‘robot’ marking will replace traditional methods of marking in schools, with many doubting the accuracy of such tests.

"'I' before 'E', except after 'C'....EXTERMINATE!"

"'I' before 'E', except after 'C'....EXTERMINATE!"

Daleks are organisms from the planet Skaro, integrated within a tank-like mechanical casing.  Described by Pearson as:  ‘a powerful race bent on universal conquest and domination, and programmed to exist utterly without pity, compassion or remorse’, they were thought to be an ideal fit for the role.  Spokesperson Helen Jeffereys said: “Basically, we were looking for somebody with no capacity for emotion, and with an evil, menacing undertone…the kind of creature who wouldn’t think twice before, well, exterminating the hopes and dreams of young children as they pedantically work their way through their exam papers.  In the end, it was between the Daleks and a bunch of Germans, but it was no contest, really.”

Asked for comment, Dalek creator Davros would only remark: “Puny Earth creatures! Soon you will witness the awesome destructive power of my Daleks’ English paper marking technique,” as a Dalek henchman to his side exclaimed: “Exterminate!  Exterminate!  Exterminate the Earth creatures’ career prospects!”

Academics and leaders in the teaching profession, meanwhile, have strongly disapproved of the decision, arguing that using the Daleks to mark papers would create a “disaster waiting to happen”.  “Using the Daleks to mark papers will create a disaster waiting to happen,” said Frank Nicol, Head of a Secondary School in Lincolnshire.  “Does nobody realise that these creatures are ruthless killing machines, who will stop at nothing to – AAARRRGHHHHH!” The remainder of Mr. Nicol’s telephone interview, however, was drowned out by the sound of loud laser fire, electronic voices, and explosions.

Doctor Who was unavailable for comment, meanwhile, as he was thought to be independently inviligilating a three-hour A-Level French exam at a small comprehensive school in Surrey.

Student Loan Company Behaves Like Students, Procrastinates on Loans

In Education on September 21, 2009 at 08:21

Hundreds of thousands of students arriving at University have been denied their student loans because those in administrative positions ‘can’t be bothered getting them their stuff on time.’ It is estimated that nearly 170,000 students started University last week without any sort of funding in place – an issue that was initially put down to a severe backlog, given the large number of applicants.

However, speaking on The Today Show, Ralph Seymour-Jackson of The Student Loan Company (SLC), who are in charge of administering student loans said: “The thing is, we know that students don’t have any loans at the moment and we’re, you know, a bit sorry about that.

Students: tax-leeching scum

Students: tax-leeching scum

“But you have to bear in mind that these are students we are dealing with; what the hell do they care about deadlines? Like us, they’ll spend most of their time at University over-promising on timescales and massively under-delivering, so we thought we’d give them an early taste of what it tastes like when the shoe is on the other foot by acting like students ourselves – see if they like it.”

Employees at The Student Loan Company are said to have reacted well to the introduction of a number of radical new staff policies designed to meet these objectives.  These include: the introduction of a subsidised bar at the office, new rules which mean that employees are not allowed to get up before lunchtime (and only then to watch repeats of Diagnosis Murder) and a booklet explaining that although work is ‘optional’ not doing it ‘will count towards them and their final grade’ if they don’t do it.

An unnamed staff member said: “It’s great here – morale has never been higher.  Only last night we all went out until 4am and then threw toilet rolls at the office responsible for administering state pensions.  They won’t know what hit them!  I can’t even remember the last time I did any work.”

Sarah Grimes, 18, has just started at the University of Manchester, and is less than impressed with the attitude of the SLC.  “How am I supposed to go out and get proper boozed up when I haven’t got any cash?  It’s a form of abuse, isn’t it?,” whereas one other student lucky enough to get a cheque in the post complained that it was “covered in beer and curry stains.”