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Archive for the ‘Finance’ Category

Government to get massive bonus from banks, says Darling

In Finance, Politics on December 9, 2009 at 09:13


The government will be the latest to benefit from the recent trend of substantial bonuses for bankers when the chancellor announces new measures today outlining a new ‘non-banker bonus’ for government workers.

The bonus will be awarded in the form of a tax on banks with ‘excessive bonus pools’ and will see government officials and civil servants  rewarded for their hard work in bailing out ailing financial institutions in the form of a big, fat meaty cheque.

“At first, we thought about using this money and pumping it back into our failing economy,” said chancellor Alistair Darling. “But then we laughed at the idea, called it ridiculous and decided that, to be honest, we’d had enough of working our nuts off bailing out the likes of Northern Rock and it was time we got some payback.”

Although it is understood that the bonus or ‘tax’ – set to be announced ahead of the chancellor’s Pre-Budget Report today – will be a one-off arrangement, Mr. Darling winked at reporters, nodded and smiled, saying, “You never know! It’s an awful lot of cash, but I bet I can blow the lot on cheap booze before Christmas.”

Asked what he would be spending his bonus on, George Ashby, 27, a civil servant from Pimlico said: “A yacht! Two yachts! As many drugs as I can get my hands on! WAHEY!”

Bernard St. Ledger, Chairman of HSBC, said: “We think this  tax is absolutely preposterous.  Bonuses are meant as a fair reflection of the work our employees put in over a calendar year, and we don’t think it’s right that some government pen-pushers come in and nick all of our hard-earned cash.

“Our people are highly talented and they’re in global demand. They deserve their fois gras, their Ferraris and their small South Pacific islands.  People in government deserve nothing more than a sharp slap in the face.”

Mr. Darling denied that this morning’s announcement was designed to line his own pockets and those of his fellow government workers, arguing that he was attempting to force a permanent shift in the culture of the City, with the ultimate aim of a creating a Utopian society where a state of free love exists amongst all men.

“Imagine there’s no heaven,” said the chancellor last night, “it’s easy if you try,” before continuing to outline how much better off we would be with no pain, hunger or possessions.

“You may say I’m a dreamer,” Mr. Darling continued, “but I’m not the only one.  I hope one day you will join us.  And the world will be as one.  Does anyone fancy a pint?”


London 2012 team finish all work two and a half years ahead of schedule

In Finance, Sport on November 2, 2009 at 09:26
Olympic stadium

London's Olympic stadium: finished

The London 2012 organising committee celebrated 1,000 days to the start of the games this weekend by dramatically announcing: “We’ve finished all building two and a half years ahead of schedule and are ready to host the games tomorrow.” The announcement, made by Lord Coe at London’s BT Tower at a ceremony to mark the countdown to the games, has surprised many, who have suggested that the Olympic stadium, swimming and cycling venues, not to mention outlying transport links, still need more than two to three years’ work.

“Yes, we thought that at first,” said Lord Coe, as fireworks went off over his shoulder at the BT Tower. “But then, to be frank, we ran out of taxpayer’s money quite quickly. As a matter of fact, we’ve just spent the last of it on this big party. Would you like some champagne? After all, you paid for it.”

To mark 1,000 days until the games, London’s BT Tower was lit up with a fireworks display, while a huge screen started the countdown to the opening ceremony.  However, budgetary concerns have meant that the committee have been forced to make a number of concessions from their original bid.

“Look, there’s no point crying over spilt milk,” Lord Coe said. “Let’s try to accentuate the positive here – this will give us the opportunity to deliver a games that is much more true to the area’s heritage, instead of some jumped-up piece of superficial nonsense sponsored by Coca-Cola and Kodak.”

Asked what this meant, Lord Coe confirmed that all primary sponsors had withdrawn from the games, but that they had been replaced by ‘exciting’ and ‘auspicious’ new sponsors, such as Mr. Patel’s Corner Shop and Abra-Kebab-Ra.

Furthermore, a London 2012 spokesperson confirmed that they were looking to source additional funding for the stadium developing by letting it as low-budget acommodation to some of the many drug-pushers in the area.

“We’re hoping that they’ll all be gone by the time the track and field events kick off in 2012, but we have to be realistic and face up to the fact that it might depend on the terms of the lease they have signed,” the spokesperson confirmed.  “Worst comes to the worst, they can take part in some of the events if we get short – I bet all those years from running away from the police have made some of them outstanding athletes.”

Meanwhile, Lord Coe has also confirmed that plans were already underway for the celebration of 500 days to the games, thought to consist of a trip to the pub, a whip-round and a curry in Brick Lane.

Darling Finds £20, Declares Recession Over

In Finance, News on September 10, 2009 at 13:23
Darling: off to the pub

Darling: off to the pub

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling this afternoon announced that Britain had made a decisive step towards recovery, after finding a crumpled twenty-pound note in his jeans pocket.

“The jeans had been lying in a heap in the corner of the room for a couple of months,” said the delighted Chancellor, brandishing the note in the faces of reporters outside 11 Downing Street. “I decided it was about time I washed them, so I checked the pockets, and found this little beauty!”

Mr Darling explained that he had not at first realised the immensity of his discovery.

“I thought it was a receipt at first,” he said, his eyes sparkling, and his flushed little face lighting up into the cheekiest of grins, “but when I pulled it out of my pocket, there was Her Maj’ staring back at me — fan-f***ing-tastic!”

The visibly ecstatic Chancellor then strode off along Downing Street, triumphantly holding the £20 aloft for all to see. He then continued on to Parliament Street, where he was seen entering the Red Lion pub.

A few hours later Mr. Darling returned to his residence at Downing Street, seeming somewhat unsteady on his feet. When asked about the whereabouts of the twenty-pound note, Mr Darling flung small change, thought to amount to around 30p, in the direction of reporters.

“Earlier predictions of recovery would seem to have been premature,” he slurred, as he stabbed wildly at the door of number 11 with his car keys, before posing the all-important question: “Would anyone like a pork scratching?”  With a policeman’s assistance he was able to open the door, before tripping over the doormat and lying sprawled, face down on the floor, for some minutes.

This is third time in as many months that an increasingly desperate Chancellor has announced the end of the Recession, after recent announcements that he had found a ‘Scratch ‘n’ Win’ Lotto Extra card down the back of the sofa, been sent an interesting proposition from a Nigerian businessman via e-mail, and that he had also received a discount coupon of vouchers in the mail for him to spend in any nearby branch of Homebase.

Chancellor Rejects French Finance Minister’s Claims Through Ill-Advised Drunken Xenephobic Rant

In Finance, Politics on September 4, 2009 at 22:08

UK Chancellor Alistair Darling has rejected the advice of French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde with what can can only be described as a series of thinly-veiled xenephobic remarks, following a long, boozy lunch at the pub. Although Mme Lagarde warned that it would be in the  best interests of the British economy to change its rules regarding the governance of bank bonuses, Mr. Darling took matters into his own hands by suggesting that all French people are “stupid” and “smell like cheese.”

Alistair Darling: Can't handle his lunchtime booze

Alistair Darling: Can't handle his lunchtime booze

“What happened (to the economy) 12 months ago was just horrible for our societies,” Mme Lagard stated emphatically on the BBC’s Newsnight programme on Thursday night. “We are both still suffering as a result.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Mr. Darling, who appeared to have had more than a couple of lunchtime drinks, countered on the 1 O’Clock News this afternoon. “I went to France on a school trip when I was 15. It was sh*t. Everyone there is stupid and smells of garlic and cheese. What the hell do they know?  They should shut up.”

Mr. Darling then proceeded to pull his trousers down and wave his naked posterior at the camera, astonishing millions of viewers in the process, before heading back to Downing Street for a long afternoon sleep.

When asked for a comment, the French Embassy would only say: “Mon Dieu!” before playing accordion music loudly down the telephone line.