The government will be the latest to benefit from the recent trend of substantial bonuses for bankers when the chancellor announces new measures today outlining a new ‘non-banker bonus’ for government workers.
The bonus will be awarded in the form of a tax on banks with ‘excessive bonus pools’ and will see government officials and civil servants rewarded for their hard work in bailing out ailing financial institutions in the form of a big, fat meaty cheque.
“At first, we thought about using this money and pumping it back into our failing economy,” said chancellor Alistair Darling. “But then we laughed at the idea, called it ridiculous and decided that, to be honest, we’d had enough of working our nuts off bailing out the likes of Northern Rock and it was time we got some payback.”
Although it is understood that the bonus or ‘tax’ – set to be announced ahead of the chancellor’s Pre-Budget Report today – will be a one-off arrangement, Mr. Darling winked at reporters, nodded and smiled, saying, “You never know! It’s an awful lot of cash, but I bet I can blow the lot on cheap booze before Christmas.”
Asked what he would be spending his bonus on, George Ashby, 27, a civil servant from Pimlico said: “A yacht! Two yachts! As many drugs as I can get my hands on! WAHEY!”
Bernard St. Ledger, Chairman of HSBC, said: “We think this tax is absolutely preposterous. Bonuses are meant as a fair reflection of the work our employees put in over a calendar year, and we don’t think it’s right that some government pen-pushers come in and nick all of our hard-earned cash.
“Our people are highly talented and they’re in global demand. They deserve their fois gras, their Ferraris and their small South Pacific islands. People in government deserve nothing more than a sharp slap in the face.”
Mr. Darling denied that this morning’s announcement was designed to line his own pockets and those of his fellow government workers, arguing that he was attempting to force a permanent shift in the culture of the City, with the ultimate aim of a creating a Utopian society where a state of free love exists amongst all men.
“Imagine there’s no heaven,” said the chancellor last night, “it’s easy if you try,” before continuing to outline how much better off we would be with no pain, hunger or possessions.
“You may say I’m a dreamer,” Mr. Darling continued, “but I’m not the only one. I hope one day you will join us. And the world will be as one. Does anyone fancy a pint?”