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Archive for the ‘Lifestyle’ Category

Ugly, charmless footballer in sex scandal shock

In Lifestyle, Sport on February 1, 2010 at 08:52

Phwwwoooooooaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr

The world of football has been rocked by weekend allegations that a completely charmless, ugly footballer has been embroiled in a sex scandal involving a highly attractive model.

John Terry, 29, has faced extensive media coverage about his alleged relationship with swimwear model Vanessa Perroncel, who at the time of the affair was seeing Wayne Bridge’s former Chelsea team-mate.

Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelloti said: “When I first heard the news I was surprised. Not because it broke the sacred bond between players in the dressing room, or because it diminishes the respect I have for Terry in any way.

“No, I was shocked because this Perroncel bird is well fit. I mean, have you seen her? John Terry might be England captain, but he’s not exactly an oil painting, is he?”

Chelsea fan Brian Swanson, 41, from Chiswick agrees: “Let’s be clear about this. John Terry is very good at football, but he’s about as charming as the prospect of contracting venereal disease.

“He’s already married with kids, so you’d have thought that as a man of fairly limited appeal, he’d be happy some poor girl has taken pity on him and leave it at that. How he’s managed to snare a swimwear model is beyond me – fair play to him.”

Pundits are already speculating as to whether Terry can use his mysterious talents to England’s benefit in this summer’s World Cup finals. BBC analyst Mark Lawrenson said:

“I can only assume that Terry manages to get these women by somehow shape-shifting into George Clooney or Brad Pitt, before seducing them. It’s the only explanation. Picture the scene: It’s England v Brazil in the World Cup Quarter-Final and the score is 0-0 in injury time with all to play for.

“Suddenly Kaka bursts through on the England defence – he only has John Terry to beat before he has the simple task of beating whichever hapless goalkeeper England happen to have between the sticks. Does Terry decide to lunge in and risk a red card for a professional foul? Or does he simply use his shape-shifting power to morph into a silver-tongued lothario, distracting Kaka from his shot by gyrating his hips suggestively?

“I think this could be Capello’s secret weapon,” concluded Lawrenson.

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Man lives entire existence through Twitter, gets divorced

In Lifestyle, Technology on January 11, 2010 at 09:24

A London man who spends every waking moment of his day updating his Twitter status with the banal trivialities of his daily existence has been divorced by his wife of 12 years, it has been reported.

Ben Stringer, a 46 year-old IT technician from Battersea has been using Twitter, the social media networking site, for a little over 14 months now, and his newly-divorced ex-wife Gladys admits it was a major factor in the breakdown of their relationship:

Warning: could cause serious damage to your relationship

“Ben’s obssession with Twitter had got way out of control,” Gladys said. “He was updating his status three times a minute after he did anything at all. I understand that he lost a lot of loyal followers after he had chronic diahorrea earlier this year and updated on the experience in graphic detail every thirty seconds.”

When pressed further as to how Stringer’s Twitter fixation had compromised the marriage, Gladys gave further examples:

“I can remember the times when Ben was first getting into Twitter and we were trying to be – you know, intimate. We would be in bed, and he would have his mobile in one hand writing updates and posting images up using Twitpic. It was very distressing.  You should have seen some of the responses we got.”

The final straw for the couple came when Gladys revealed to her husband that she had been seeing somebody else, prompting Ben to update immediately with: ‘Wife having an affair : – (‘.”

Mutual friend of the ex-couple, Charlie Baxter from Turnham Green said: “I know, it’s incredibly sad.  But I think we also have to accept that, in this day and age, sometimes it’s inevitable that sooner rather than later, one man’s love for a social networking platform, and his desire to impress thousands of people he has never even met by telling them about everything single thing he’s doing in mind-numbing detail, will overwhelm the sacred bond held between man and wife.”

Although Mr. Stringer was too busy on Twitter to offer any comment himself, a cursory glance at his Twitter feed over the last few months offers some insight into the issues he faces:

‘Woo!  Twitter is great!  Gladys can go f*ck herself!  Woooo!!’ 11:37PM Sep 23rd from web    

‘Cooking some chicken in the microwave.  Just set it to three minutes.’ 5:32 PM Oct 14th from Tweetie

‘Still waiting for the chicken to cook.  Thirty seconds gone.’ 5:33 PM Oct 14th from Tweetie

‘Jesus, when is this chicken going to finish cooking?  It’s been forty seven seconds.’ 5:33PM Oct 14th from Tweetie

‘Fifty-five seconds.’ 5:33PM Oct 14th from Tweetie

Britain rushes back to work after agony of Christmas break

In Culture, Lifestyle, News on January 4, 2010 at 18:18

Britain's workers celebrate getting the all-clear to return to work

Hundreds and thousands of workers across the country are celebrating returning back to their place of work today having been cruelly deprived of the opportunity to earn their livelihood over the last ten days thanks to the agonising and unnecessarily long Christmas break.

The traditional holiday period, which for many people has run from Christmas Eve (December 24th) all the way to today, dragging out the full horror of New Year’s Eve in the process, has been known in previous years to drive many of Britain’s diligent workers close to the brink of insanity.

Martin Sandhurst, 26, a postman from Salisbury said: “I know a lot of people like to paint the festive period as a time of fun and celebration, but the cold hard truth of the matter is that if you ask anyone what they’d rather be doing out of sitting round a table and stuffing their face with a roast turkey dinner, unwrapping presents, or putting in a good honest day’s shift, and it’s really no contest.

“To be fair, if you’d have given me the option of doing my daily rounds on New Year’s Day, rather than sitting around all day, I’d have been down that Post Office faster than you could sing a rousing chorus of Auld Lang Syne.”

Judith Finch, 42, from Suffolk agrees: “The Christmas break has always been a difficult time for me. I run a small shop in the local village, and it’s quiet at the best of times. At Christmas time, when everybody is at home in front of the telly, there’s no point in even opening up. I spent seven hours on Christmas Day just standing in the cold outside the shop, pining for Christmas to end so that I could re-open. I think I got a mild case of hypothermia.”

Asked to explain the phenomena, leading psychologist Dr. Philip van Marco explains: “Traditionally, people in this country are creatures of habit. They carefully establish their routines and get settled into them easily.

“Any break in this routine,” the Doctor continued, “such as a prolonged, unnecessary and it has to be said, ridiculous absence from work such as the one we have just had, preventing the workforce from doing their jobs, can lead, in extreme cases, to subjects psycho-analysing their own family, pets or even the Christmas turkey as was evident in my own case on Boxing Day.

“In particular, city workers are known to miss the comforting surroundings of the commuter trains, glowing in the warmth of another car’s rear lights in a traffic jam, and the hustle and bustle and camaraderie of shouting at one another across a crowded office until their throat is sore. God it’s good to be back, isn’t it?”

Tramps, drunks everywhere celebrate creation of 32% strength beer

In Lifestyle, News on November 27, 2009 at 14:37

The nation’s public houses, bars and inner-city slums were celebrating this morning as news reached them of the launch of what is thought to be the world’s strongest beer, with an alcohol content of 32%.  The beer, known as ‘Tactical Nuclear Penguin’, is brewed by Scottish brewers BrewDog, of Fraserburgh, who claim that the beer is about “pushing boundaries” and not, as many people have suggested, “profiting from getting a load of people pissed quickly.”

Managing director James Watt said a limited supply of Tactical Nuclear Penguin would be sold for £30 each.  “Of course,” he continued, once everybody is too hammered to know what the hell is going on, then we’ll jack up the price to around £500 a bottle, and then we’ll rake it in.  Ker-ching!”

How to tell when you've probably had enough...

The brewers have also been quick to give strict guidelines as to how Tactical Nuclear Penguin should be consumed, advising that it should only be drunk in ‘spirit-sized measures’.  An additional warning on the label states: “This is an extremely strong beer; it should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance.  Under no circumstances should it be dragged out at the end of the evening after you’ve already gone through all the nice booze in the house, poured in its entirety into a large jug, and tipped down your throat while your mates stand around you shouting: ‘Chug! Chug! Chug!”

Douglas McAdams, 57, greeted the news of Tactical Nuclear Penguin’s launch with unabandoned carefree joy.  “It was like all my Christmasses had come at once,” said McAdams, a homeless man from Glasgow with a history of alcoholism.  “All I have to do is worry about getting myself £30 for one bottle of this rocket fuel and I’m absolutely sh*t-faced for the rest of the week, without a care in the world.  Thank you,  BrewDog of Fraserburgh, for helping me through the winter months.”

Mr. McAdams’ sentiments were echoed in pubs and bars the length and breadth of the country.  “Now when I’ve had a crap day at work, I don’t have to worry about coming home and kicking the dog or shouting at my wife,” said one anonymous advocate from London.  “Instead, I crack open one of these bad boys, knock it back, and drink until I’m sick over myself.  Before long, I’m right as rain.”

BrewDog of Fraserburgh have refused to comment on speculation that next Christmas will see the launch of a 78% strength beer called: ‘This Beer is Guaranteed to Kill You or Your Money Back’.

Slough fights off Paris, Tokyo to take top food award

In Lifestyle, News on November 18, 2009 at 09:22

For best results, consume in Slough at 2am after drinking heavily

Residents of the town of Slough in Berkshire are celebrating this morning after it was announced that it had leapt ahead of exotic locales such as Paris and Tokyo as the global location with the most desirable cuisine.

The award, presented at a star-studded ceremony at Butlins last night, is said to take into account the number of Michelin three-star restaurants in each location, as well as other factors, such as a ‘significant’ reduction in the number of mice, rats and other vermin found in kitchens.

Donna Plumber, proprietor of Donna’s Kebab’s, one of Slough’s many restaurants that was highly commended by the judging panel said: “We haven’t had a rat in here since early September. Or was it mid-October? Either way, we almost certainly didn’t chop it up, cook it and put it into a kebab for an unsuspecting punter to buy. Oh no. I’m just glad the judging panel have taken the time to recognise that fact.”

Meanwhile, the judging panel have reacted angrily to reports that it was less than even-handed when making its decision.

“Look,” said Marcus Higginbottom, Head Chef at Truffles restaurant, London, and a member of the panel, “I don’t know where these reports have come from, but suggestions that we were all set to give the award to Paris before having a boozy night in Slough are completely inaccurate.

“And even if they were true, can you really tell me that there’s anything that tastes better than chicken and chips at 2am after a night on the beers? No, I thought not. Gastronomic perfection – even if it does need 7 pints of Stella with Tequila chasers to appreciate it.”

Jean-Pierre Toulon, Head Chef of Le Grande Fromage, one of the most highly respected restaurants in Paris said: “Oh, for Christ’s sakes. If we’d known that was all it took, we would have got them hammered at the bar and ordered in a bargain bucket from KFC.”

Slough resident Bertie Sandhurst, 56, insists that the news is great news for Slough and everyone who lives there.  “I think this is great news for Slough and everyone who lives here,” he said, wiping burger sauce away from his mouth.  “We’re fed up of everyone laughing at us because we live in Slough, and thinking of The Office.  Now we can take great pride in our kebabs, burger shops, and fried chicken outlets and truly say they offer the best cuisine in the world.  Up yours, Frenchies!”

Wayne Rooney and Colleen give birth to beautiful baby elephant

In Lifestyle, Sport on November 3, 2009 at 08:51

Wayne Rooney’s wife Colleen has given birth to a beautiful baby elephant, it was announced yesterday. Kai Wayne Rooney the elephant was born at 2.20pm at an elephant enclosure at Liverpool Women’s Hospital, according to a statement released by the couple last night.

A spokesman said: “Both mother and elephant are both absolutely fine – the baby elephant that is, not Wayne, although he’s fine as well.

Kai Wayne Rooney

Kai Wayne Rooney, showing early promise with a football, yesterday

“Wayne and Colleen are thrilled with the wonderful addition to their family life, and look forward to feeding Kai Wayne peanuts and donuts into his trunk and getting rides on his back around the garden for years to come.”

A visibly exhausted Colleen said: “This is the happiest day of my life. I’m just so glad that little Kai Wayne the elephant has got his father’s looks. Maybe one day we’ll day we’ll be able to train him to balance a football on his little tusks, just like his dad.”

Relatives on both sides of the family have visited the couple and new baby elephant in hospital. Wayne’s brother Graham and cousin Claire, as well as his parents were all seen leaving the hospital.

“We are very pleased, it’s a happy day,” confirmed Wayne’s father, also named Wayne. “I mean, obviously, we were disappointed that they didn’t name the elephant ‘Wayne’ outright to keep the family tradition up, but when you consider that the alternatives were calling it either ‘Nellie’ or ‘Jumbo’, then I suppose we’ve got to be happy.”

In October, Colleen said that she would snub private healthcare and have the baby at Liverpool Women’s Hospital.

Hospital sources said: “The Liverpool Women’s hospital has a first class reputation and is one of the leading elephant maternity hospitals, not just in the UK, but all of Europe. It also has a cool space invaders video game in the foyer, which we know was a big factor as far as Wayne was concerned.”

Kai Wayne will live with Wayne and Colleen until he is three years old, before being moved to a specially built enclosure at Whipsnade zoo, where he will be trained in a number of rudimentary ball skills, tactics and set plays, with a view to having a trial with Manchester United.

Although the happy couple are said to favour resisting publicising the news of the birth too much it is thought that they will look to sell exclusive pictures of the birth jointly to the January edition of both Hello! magazine and Zoo-Keeper’s Monthly for a princely sum.

UK Tops ‘Stella League’ for Tenth Year Running

In Lifestyle, News on September 30, 2009 at 11:38
Most Britons' idea of "a quiet night in"

Most Britons' idea of "a quiet night in"

The UK has once again come top in the ‘Stella League’ according to the European Union, beating all other countries for the tenth year running. The ‘Stella’ is the EU’s measurement for determining a nation’s happiness and prosperity, based on the price of a can of Stella in a corner shop.

The EU study shows that while a can of Stella currently costs around £1 in a British corner shop, if bought as part of a six-pack, in Germany, the second happiest/most prosperous nation, it costs around the equivalent of £1.20. Denmark and the Netherlands also scored well, while the relatively primitive, wine loving nations of France, Italy and Spain continued to fare badly, pricing their Stella at £1.85, £1.90 and £2 respectively. Meanwhile, in ultra-expensive Finland, a can of Stella could set you back by up to £2.50.

EU Commission spokesman Carlos Impegnia said that although the ‘Stella’ is a good indication of a nation’s wealth and prosperity, it should not be looked at in isolation. “There are many factors that determine how happy a country’s population actually is,” he said. “For example, how many takeaway food outlets are situated in a one mile radius of the average citizen, and how many of those will deliver after midnight. Then there is the question of satellite TV. While most EU nations offer multi-channel TV showing a whole range of absolute crap, not many of those can offer live pause and the ability to record three post-pub hit-and-miss sketch shows at the same time.”

French Finance Minister, Christine Lagarde, stated that a good showing in the ‘Stella League’ was no reason for celebration. “Stella Artois was invented by the French, and it is supposed to be drunk from a delicate half-pint glass in a pavement bar in a sexy little quarter of Paris. It is not supposed to be drunk from a can in front of the TV with a curry. I don’t think we even have it in cans. We probably only do that for you people.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling, however, declared that he was delighted with the news. “Maintaining our lead in the ‘Stella League’ was one of Labour’s principal campaigning ideals and remains one of our greatest achievements. During the previous administration a can of Stella rose to a highly dangerous £1.50, a level we’ve been able to severely curtail. There is no greater pleasure for a British citizen than taking a lovely, heavy, six pack of Stella out of a corner-shop fridge and paying a pittance for it.”

Swearing Declared ‘Big and Clever’ by Select Committee

In Lifestyle, News on September 25, 2009 at 12:56
Big AND clever

Big AND clever

A Parliamentary Select Committee today issued its findings on the question of whether swearing is ‘big and clever’, ruling that profanity is indeed ‘very funny’ in most instances. The announcement has outraged the Conservative Party, with leader David Cameron calling the ruling ‘f*****g ridiculous’.

The all-party Committee, led by Labour backbencher Ann Coffey, was set up in January this year with a remit to investigate the state of swearing in the UK, measuring impact according to agreed parameters. These included ‘making the swearer look hard and cool’, ‘shocking the person being sworn at’, ‘vocabulary’ and ‘timing’.

The committee looked at famous instances of swearing in the public eye as well as everyday swearing on the street during its discussions. In its report: ‘Towards a Swearier Future’,  the Committee lists numerous instances of famous sweariness, including the profanities spoken by Bob Geldof during Live Aid, the Going Live Five Star call in debacle, the Sex Pistols’ infamous Bill Grundy interview and Jules Holland saying “groovy f*****s” on The Tube.

Said Coffey: “In all instances I think you can say swearing turned out to be pretty big and clever. We all wish we were the person who said Five Star was ‘sh*t’, don’t we? Just imagine how hard and cool that kid looked in school the next day. I bet they were an instant legend.”

However, despite the generally positive tone of the report, some instances were noted of swearing turning out to be ‘ineffectual at best, and somewhat embarrassing at worst.’ Committee member Stewart Jackson, a Conservative backbencher, said: “Oh god, you know when your mum swears because she’s a bit pissed or really angry? That’s just depressing isn’t it? And kids who swear every other word just to be cool – that’s really boring.”

Cameron, however, said today that swearing was always inappropriate and never hard or cool. “If someone starts swearing then they’ve lost the argument in my opinion,” he said. “There are a million words in the English language that are not profanities and there’s no reason we can’t use those.”

“Oh p*ss off granddad,” replied Coffey today.

Tesco Using Dark Side of The Force on Jedi Practitioners in North Wales

In Lifestyle, News on September 20, 2009 at 13:41

The head of the evil Tesco Empire has been using employing ‘the Dark Side of the Force’ to make sure that followers of a ‘Jedi’ religion, based on the popular Star Wars film series are not allowed to enter their stores wearing hooded garments.  Daniel Jones, 23, hit the headlines this week when it emerged that he had been ejected from a Tesco store in Bangor, North Wales, despite insisting that wearing his hood was part of the Jedi faith he had founded, and which is recognised as having as many as 500,000 followers worldwide.

"Buy our discounted loo rolls!  It is your destiny."

"Buy our discounted loo rolls! It is your destiny."

Responding to allegations that the Bangor branch had shown insensitivity towards Mr. Jones and his religious beliefs, Store Manager Kevin McManus said: “Tesco has many stores across the UK – we’re a sort of Empire, if you like, and as such, it’s important that we strike back on this issue.  Store policy is that we don’t allow any hoods.”  McManus then added, in a low murmur, “At last, we will have our revenge.  You don’t know the power of the Dark Side!”

Mr. Jones reported the full horror of his visit to the Bangor store from a closely guarded intensive care unit.  “It was like a nightmare….I only went in there for a sandwich at lunchtime and they tried to throw me out.  I waved my hand and told them I was a Jedi and they couldn’t do that….the next thing I know, I’m being lifted off my feet and pinned to the wall and struggling for breath.

“Then I see the store manager come out, and he’s got all this lightning and stuff coming out of his fingers….it was like crazy sh*t.  Those Tesco guys are pretty messed up.  I mean, I know I say I’m a Jedi, but those guys ACTUALLY seem to be using the Dark Side of the Force.”

When presented with Jones’ testimony, a spokesperson released a statement on Tesco.com: “Tesco remains fully committed to its goals as an evil, oppressive imperial regime of terror.  Would you like a  Tesco Club Card?  We know.  We can feel your anger – it makes you strong.  Take your Tesco Club Card, throw it back it in our face, and your journey toward the Dark Side will be complete. Don’t forget, there’s a special on all next week on loo rolls, too.”

Coppers Count Cases in Crim-Catch Corner Cutter

In Lifestyle, News on September 16, 2009 at 16:38
A criminal, yesterday

A criminal, yesterday

In a bid to reduce unnecessarily tedious levels of paperwork, the Home Office has today approved plans that will see the UK’s Police forces cease using stop-and-search tactics to ask questions that aggravate and harass suspects.  Instead, the new measures will see them employing the same tactics to stop people, compliment them and say nice, pleasant things. The move comes as complaints from suspects have risen in recent months and is seen as a necessary step towards halting potential social disorder and preventing riots.

Whereas officers were previously required to record details on suspects’ ethnicity, religion, age and well, ethnicity, they will now only be asked to record responses to “nice” questions, such as “what did you have for your tea?,” and “going anywhere nice on your holidays this year, are you?” or “so, what’s YOUR favourite colour?”

Suspects group No To Babylon Bovver! welcomed the move, and as one regular offender said: “Listen mate, we’re fed up wiv constantly being bombarded wiv questions about how old we are, and whevver we stole that old lady’s bag, and I fink its good for community relations to have some nice chats wiv the bobbies for a change.  Why, just the other day, I went for tea and cakes with a police constable.  It was bleedin’ delightful.”

However, senior Police officers union ACPO said the new rules could lead to an increase in suspects being let off as not enough information was recorded. One police source, who asked to remain anonymous, told us “We don’t ask nasty questions for the fun of it, you know. It doesn’t matter to us one jot what the crime committed might be, we have to know whether they go to church regularly, and how old they are, so that we know where to find them again if we have to.”

One of the more welcome side effects of the new rules will be that travel companies and food producers will be able to target their products more effectively at the criminal demographic. In particular, it is expected that travel agencies offering holidays abroad to destinations that serve “all day English breakfasts” will benefit substantially.