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Archive for the ‘Media’ Category

Music from that bloody ‘Go Compare’ advert trapped in everyone’s head

In Media on May 14, 2010 at 12:38

The music from that bloody ‘Go Compare’ advert has been trapped in everybody’s head all sodding morning, according to everyone who has ever seen the damn thing.

Viewers began complaining after the ad was screened during a commercial break on GMTV nationwide at 8:03 am this morning, forcing the nation to travel to work with its incessantly irritating tune bouncing around its heads.

The advertisement features a plump, comically-styled tenor who surprises people in everyday situations, before bursting into a loud, sustained song which repeatedly implores the viewer to: “GO COMPARE! GO COMPARE!”.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhh!!!!!!!!

Experts have claimed that it has “the sort of appeal that makes you want to chew off both your ears, rip out your eyes with your bare hands and scream until you are hoarse.

“Really, it’s the kind of thing the Japanese would use as a last resort, and only after exhaustive water torture,” said Patrick Southall from the Advertising Standards Agency (ASA).

“I can understand why people give money to these people, if only because of the vain hope that they will put an end to their misery and make it all stop.”

Kate Jenkins, 29, from Sidcup said: “I only sat down in front of the TV this morning for five minutes while I had a cup of tea before heading to work.  Suddenly, all I can think of is that bloody song.

“I tried everything I could to make it stop – I even listened to The Lambada for God’s sake – but nothing could get rid of it.  Not even that.”

Some appear to have been more affected than others by the ‘Go Compare’ advert.  Ben Richards, 42, from Huddersfield was found rocking backwards and forwards next to his car shortly after the advert screened.

“Kill me.  Kill me.  Kill me,” he said, burying his head in his hands, and sobbing gently.

Staff at Gocompare.com were unavailable for comment, as they are thought to be too busy barricading themselves in their offices in anticipation of a large hate mob descending upon their offices with burning torches, sticks and a variety of other missiles.

Survey claims that 76% of all statistics are made up

In Media on January 26, 2010 at 09:13

Results from a new national survey, published this morning, claim that more than 76% of all statistics and facts in public surveys are simply made up.  The study, carried out by the National Society for Telling Truth in Surveys (NSTTS) also claims that public relations companies use surveys as a cheap gimmick to raise the profile of their cause.

NSTTS spokesperson The Great Stupendo said: “It’s ridiculous, frankly. We want much more transparency from the PR industry as to how they source their data for surveys and releases.”

It's easy...make them up

The Great Stupendo added: “nearly 62% of PR agencies claimed to have made up the name of a spokesperson for a quote. I’ve seen some pretty stupid names in my time, let me tell you, and I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re getting pretty sick and tired of the whole thing.”

Trixie McBoobjob, spokesperson for the Chartered Institute of Public Relations (CIPR) hit back at The Great Stupendo’s claims, arguing: “at least 97% of all people working within the public relations industry use surveys, statistical analysis and the names of spokespeople in a fair and responsible manner. At least 84% of the population know that, according to our research.

“We shouldn’t let those who use these tools irresponsibly tarnish our name. My colleague, Lord Cool-Aid, and I will be setting up a taskforce to look into the matter immediately.

“We set up a national survey to see if the public approved this course of action and they said that not only did they heartily endorse what we were doing but that they also expected the issue to be resolved 3000% quicker as a result.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown responded to the issue with a statement to the press outside Downing Street this morning: “I’m confused. Do any of these people actually exist?”

Media still under impression that cold weather constitutes ‘news’

In Media, News on January 12, 2010 at 09:25

Newsworthy, apparently

Britain’s broadcast media continued to labour under the illusion that the nation’s current cold snap still constituted headline ‘news’ this morning, despite the fact that most normal people have accepted it as a normal aspect of their daily lives at this time of year.

The BBC, SKY, ITN and most radio services were still running headline news stories this morning about how the cold weather has hit commuters and brought the country to a standstill – even though the cold weather set in more than three weeks ago.

“I’m glad that the news on the radio told me that the cold weather would make driving conditions tricky because of the icy weather,” said 21 year-old Kelly Streatham, via mobile phone. “I’ve been swerving all over the bloody place because of the black ice so I’m glad they let me know.”

Countless others have found themselves in a similar position. Terry Sandwick, 36, from Glasgow noted: “I was watching a report on the BBC which said that the snow was so deep in Scotland that it was stopping many people from getting to work.

“I looked out of the window, and sure, enough, there was sh*t loads of that white stuff everywhere. I knew there had to be a reason why I had been sitting at home on the Playstation all day drinking premium strength lager and not in the office on conference calls.”

When asked when we can expect an end to the cold weather news nonsense, SKY weatherman Francis Wilson sounded uncertain.  “Well, you know, we put a lot of hard work and scientific analysis into predicting the weather, so it’s difficult to predict it accurately.

“Of course, most days, all that just goes completely out the window and we tell everyone that whatever weather they are currently experiencing will go on until roughly the same time tomorrow, then go to the pub.

But in terms of accurately forecasting when this current band of cold weather will end, it’s anyone’s guess.  If you had to push me, I’d say it would be around March – maybe even April.”

Guardian columnist and media expert Dan Sedgwick suggests that the media’s fascination with the cold weather is due to an inherent lack of understanding of the seasons:

“Every time I speak to a journalist from the BBC or SKY I try to explain to them that weather is a cyclical thing that works in distinct patterns every year called ‘seasons’.  This current pattern, or ‘season’ is called ‘winter’, and brings with it this cold weather, I always tell them – but they just give me a funny look and go back to their pint.”

Christmas no.1 is song nobody even likes

In Entertainment, Media, Music on December 21, 2009 at 09:17

The 2009 Christmas no.1 is, for the first time, a song that nobody even likes, it has been revealed.  Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name was a song that relatively few people purchased upon the first release of the single during November 1992, and few eyebrows were raised when it reached a high point of 25 – a position that in no small way reflected the ambivalence of the record-buying public toward the band.

However, a spokesperson for Rage Against the Machine, insisted that the band’s festive top spot should in no way be devalued by the recent media campaign. Speaking at the launch of a new Facebook group to make sure their 1999 album The Battle of Los Angeles is top of the first album chart of 2010, he said:

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

“Come on guys. Do you really think people are so stupid that they’ll just go out and buy whatever people tell them to? Although I suppose that would go some way to explaining the mystifying popularity of S Club 7.”

Ethel Carraway, 83, was one of the many who downloaded Killing in the Name and explains: “I can’t stand this song – it’s just a load of loud, unbearable noise, not like the lovely tunes they used to have in my day. I’ll certainly never listen to it again.

Ethel continued: “To be honest, I’ve never heard of this X Factor business and don’t even know who this Simon Cowell chap is as I don’t own a TV here in the retirement home. All I heard was that by doing this it would be f*****g up the establishment, and I’m all for that.  Fight the power!”

Plans are already underway to strike against the X Factor‘s plans for domination of next year’s Christmas no.1 spot, as Tracey and John Morter, founders of the Facebook group which led to this year’s chart rebellion, explained:

“This just goes to show that people are willing to buy a single they completely hated the first time around, in order that another single they completely hate this time around doesn’t sell more records.  It’s really just that simple, and shows that, if nothing else, people will not be told by Simon Cowell – or anyone else for that matter – what music they should buy.”

John Morter then added: “Having said that, next year, we’re going to tell everyone to buy a new song we’ve made up called: We Hate Simon Cowell and His Songs are Really Rubbish – the song won’t be any good, and will have nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, but if this year has proven anything it’s that none of these factors are in any way important.  We are already quietly confident.”

Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny unhappy with ‘publicity-seeking’ Santa

In Culture, Media on December 7, 2009 at 12:44

Publicity whore

The Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny have shocked the world this morning by threatening to reveal Santa Claus’s true identity, as well as the location of his secret Lapland hideout.   The pair have stated that they will release this information, as well as compromising details about Santa’s past to the press unless he bows to their pressure and reduces his number of commercial commitments.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, the Easter Bunny explained that both himself and the Tooth Fairy had become increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of relative publicity Santa – also known as Father Christmas, St. Nick and Kris Kringle – had been receiving.

“To be honest, we don’t think it’s really fair,” said the Easter Bunny.  “Look, I know you don’t usually see me around this time of year, but somebody’s got to take a stand against this, and I think it should be me.  Time was, that we all used to take our turns doing our own thing.  I’d give out the eggs at Easter, the Tooth Fairy would give out money for kids when they lost teeth, and everything would be sweet.”

The Easter Bunny went on to relate how the relationship between the three had turned sour.  “Well, you see, it wasn’t long before the jolly old b*stard got greedy.  I suppose it wasn’t enough that he had the biggest event of the year…he had to take a cut of it for himself, didn’t he?”

Asked to explain this further, the Tooth Fairy interjected, angrily: “Do we have to draw you a picture?  Personal appearances, adverts, movies, TV programmes.  He’s got his own agent, you know.  I don’t even have my own event.  I deal in a teeth/money exchange.  How do you think I do on that?  Do you know what the black market is like for kid’s teeth in a recession?  It’s not good, I can tell you.”

“It’s got to the point where I can’t even enter a shopping centre or turn on the TV without seeing him,” the Easter Bunny continued. “Have you seen that bloody Coca-Cola advert?  It turns my stomach.  And when do you see us on TV or in the media?  Never.  Santa needs to cut down on all of this publicity-seeking, or I swear, we’re going to tell all the kids where he lives, and spill the beans on that little stint he did inside a few years back for aggravated assault.”

Santa was unavailable for comment this morning as he was busy shooting a new Coca-Cola commercial, although his agent has promised to look into the issue and “speak to the rabbit.”

“I’m just a big loveable bear,” says BNP leader Nick Griffin

In Media, News, Politics on October 23, 2009 at 15:26
Nick Griffin: assumed human form

Nick Griffin: assumed human form

BNP leader Nick Griffin has defended his controversial appearance last night on the BBC’s Question Time show by declaring: “I’m just a big loveable bear!  Come here and give old Uncle Nick a hug, you little rascals.”

Although many felt that the BBC’s decision to give the BNP a public platform for their views may have resulted in the party gaining millions of votes, others feel that Griffin’s appearance on the Question Time panel left many uncertain as to his credentials after he appeared to undermine his own arguments with an appearance that was both nervous and overly jocular.

Audience member Stacey Feltham, 36, from Staines, said: “At one point in the broadcast, edited out for the final transmission, David Dimbleby showed Griffin pictures of himself variously pointing at a signpost to Auschwitz and laughing mockingly, ‘blacked up’ as a minstrel, and wearing a white sheet over himself in a manner similar to the Klu Klux Klan – only for Griffin to deny all three instances ever took place.

“The Aushwitz picture was really unfortunate,” said Griffin, by way of his own defence.  “We just went there to pay our respects, and my mate Steve just told this really funny joke.  What’s that?  No, I don’t remember what it was.

“Anyway, the so-called ‘minstrel’ picture was the same thing – it was my birthday a few years ago, and we had all had a few, then one of the lads pushed my face into my chocolate birthday cake.  I absolutely p****d myself, it was hilarious.  Oh, and that other picture was just me dressed up as a ghost at Halloween.  See, I’m no racist.”

Although the majority of the audience gave Griffin a rough ride throughout the broadcast, many of those present came out with a mixed view after the recording had taken place.  “Nick Griffin certainly wasn’t as evil as I thought he would be,” said Amy Richards from Basingstoke.  “I was expecting him to have two heads at least, or maybe some kind of lizard tongue.  Perhaps he assumed human form for the show, though.”

Neil Shaw from Chelmsford, Essex said: “I was disappointed that he didn’t wear a Nazi uniform.  How can we be expected to take him seriously as a fascist, when he won’t even make the effort to dress like one?”

The BBC have refused to comment on speculation that Nick Griffin will be asked back on Question Time in the future to join a panel consisting of George Bush, Osama Bin Laden, Darth Vader and Ming the Merciless, in order to give him a fairer crack of the whip.

The Sun Newspaper Controls Everything You Think and Do, Admits Editor

In Media, News, Politics on October 1, 2009 at 13:47

The Sun newspaper is slowly and carefully manipulating every single thing you think and do, until you are nothing more than a drooling vegetable, involuntarily obeying its every command, it has been confirmed this week.

In a week when The Sun dramatically withdrew its support for Gordon Brown’s Labour government, senior cabinet officials are known to be planning for life after no.10, with a source inside Downing Street confiding: “That’s it then, our number’s up.  I mean, we’ve had a good run and everything, but everyone knows that The Sun is basically a form of mind control, and without their support, we might just as well pack up and go home now.”

Don't stare directly at it

Don't stare directly at it

The Sun’s mystical mind-controlling prowess had been suspected by many since its inception in the 1960s when it was pretty much responsible for single-handedly launching The Beatles, free-love and for England winning the World Cup.  The newspaper had even been thought to have come clean when, after the 1992 General Election, it boastfully announced to the nation ‘IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT,’ pointing out that that they had all been duped into voting John Major into power.  However, a swift retraction soon followed, and until this week’s announcement, advocating that without the support of the newspaper, Labour had ‘LOST IT’ it had been thought that the British public had been acting on their own free will.

Editor Dominic Mohan, however, laughed off this suggestion when it was put to him in an interview yesterday.  “Free will?  Are you having a laugh?  We can make these monkeys do anything we want to.  Do you think people actually buy music by James Blunt because they like him?  Don’t be ridiculous.  A few of us in the office are trying to see if we can get hundreds of people to pour custard into the river Thames next July and then get them to swim in it wearing chicken outfits.  Why?  BECAUSE WE CAN!”

Experts say that a leading cause of The Sun‘s power over people is its tendency to type everything in large, simple type which can play an important phscological role.  Dr. Mark Steadman explains: “The propensity to use bold type, block capitals and plain, simple English appeals to a base instinct in our psyche which acts as an command or instruction that is incredibly difficult to turn down.  Well, it’s either that or the fact they put tits next to everything.”

New Reality Show Throws Saturday Night TV Into Chaos

In Entertainment, Media, News on September 23, 2009 at 11:44

"Pull my finger"

"Pull my finger"

Some of the UK’s leading reality TV producers have joined forces to provide a quirky alternative viewing package for the British public, it was announced today. The move, which is seen as part of  ‘a spirit of co-operation against the backdrop of a tough economic climate’, is intended to remove the element of choice from an increasingly witless general public’s Saturday evening programming. To this end, the makers of the newly launched Britain’s Got the Toughest Dancing Big Street Cop Brothers Coming Strictly on Camera and X-Factor Master Ice Chef have hit back at critics who say that it lacks focus and is too big to put in TV Quick and other quality listings magazines, saying that their focus groups have advised that it ‘ticks all the boxes’.

The new competition-format show will offer a wide-ranging selection of the British public displaying their talents, but only as long as they fulfil at least three of the programme title’s criteria. For example, a simple singer will only be allowed to enter if they can also cook and are an employed member of the constabulary. Likewise, a magician may only enter if they can also ice-skate and do karate. Member of the judging panel, Simon Cowell said he was “excited to see what the country had to offer,” and that critics “would be amazed at the multifarious talent on show,” while they “were only jealous because the best they can do is play the spoons.”


But TV consumer group Watch It! said that the makers were milking the viewing public’s appetite for plastic celebrity culture by putting all the eggs in one enormous supermarket trolley. Spokesman for the group, Ken String, said “We’re disgusted that the producers don’t trust the public to make sensible and informed decisions about what they watch. I like beans on toast on a Thursday, me, and a hearty Pot Noodle on Friday, but that doesn’t mean I want noodles on toast on Saturday,” he rambled aimlessly while channel hopping.


Despite the clear chasm between the two groups, the ultimate decision will be made by the viewers when the first show in the series is shown in mid-October.  That said, the general public would probably watch a three-part mini-series called Why Pavements Are Grey: An Insightful Journey Into Paving-stone Discoloration, as long as it was hosted by Simon Cowell, and it contained enough bright flashing lights and shouting.

Global Vampire Quota Now Achieved, Says UN

In Entertainment, Media, Politics on September 23, 2009 at 09:12

The United Nations yesterday declared that the global quota for the representation of vampires in entertainment media has now been attained, and that artists wishing to represent vampires in their work must desist immediately.

The declaration was apparently prompted by the upcoming second installation in the Twilight series. Said Hans Blick, UN inspector of horror media: “There’s going to be tons of these Twilight films, not to mention TV spin offs, merchandising deals, etc etc. Unfortunately the Twilight glut has pushed vampire proliferation to a critical, unsustainable level. For the sake of the planet and its inhabitants, this incessant vampire nonsense must end.”

Vampires: enough already!

Vampires: enough already!

Although it’s deemed unlikely that any attempts to create new vampire-related media will result in military intervention in the countries involved, the UN has pledged to come down hard on offenders. Said Blick: “These people will face trial by Interpol and, if found guilty, they will go down.”

The entertainment industry has predictably hit back at the ruling. “This amounts to censorship,” said author Anne Rice today. “If people want vampires, and it looks like pretty much every person on the planet does want vampires, then they should get them. They’re cool, they’re sexy, they’re dead. Everyone wants to be a vampire.”

The US government has spoken up for the pro-vampire lobby in defence of what is thought to be a £30bn per year industry for the country. “This is all about freedom of speech,” said President Obama. “The UN has no right to dictate what kind of monsters America obsesses about. American vampires are the best in the world. We will fight for our free-market right to saturate the globe with them.”

European leaders, however, were less bullish about the move. Said French President Sarkozy: “Why can’t these Americans just get over vampires? Even the British are a bit over it. It’s like every day there’s a new vampire thing. Although we were glad that a particularly sexy bit of Interview with a Vampire was set in Paris, it’s enough now.”

Author Stephen King surprisingly supported the move. “There is no better vampire book than Salem’s Lot, period,” said King. “Everyone else should stop trying.”

Redknapp in ‘No Comment’ Shock, British Tabloid Press Hold Crisis Talks

In Media, Sport on September 18, 2009 at 15:48

British sports journalists are in shock today after Harry Redknapp issued a firm “no comment” over the footballing story of the day for the first time in his managerial career. The news broke during Redknapp’s pre-match press conference on the eve of Tottenham’s game against Chelsea this weekend, when a lazy tabloid journalist, fancying an easy day, teed up Redknapp with a question about an inconsequential footballing story about a man being refused entry to a Championship ground last night because he was wearing a t-shirt with ‘aggressive lapels’.

Redknapp: not really all that bothered

Redknapp: not really all that bothered

“To be honest, I don’t really have an opinion on that,” said the meaty-jowled Spurs supremo when asked to vent his spleen. The Sun said its sports editor was “remaining calm” while The Mirror has issued a statement denying reports that it had sent a reporter to Blackpool as an extreme measure to canvas rent-a-quote Ian Holloway’s reaction.

Redknapp’s reaction ‘shocked and appalled’ his interviewer, who was left open-mouthed as Harry walked calmly to his car, got in and drove at a moderate speed away from the scene. Onlookers were left rubbing their eyes in disbelief as Redknapp even had time to stop on his way to refuse a mysterious brown envelope from a shady-looking man in a long overcoat. The journalist in question stumbled away from the scene, looking stunned and continually mumbling: “But, but…why..?” under his breath, before collapsing onto a bench and vomiting loudly into a nearby bin.

“Redknapp’s behaviour has become worryingly sensible and rational” said Phileus McWhirter, a behavioural psychologist, today. “He just seems to be behaving like a normal human being. It’s very worrying for all concerned, and one just hopes that he snaps out of it soon, and resumes normal service of doing sports journalists jobs for them.”

Redknapp is said to be focusing on preparing Spurs for their upcoming weekend fixture, and no journalist has dared approach him for comment since. Meanwhile, the NUJ has opened a helpline for families of sports journalists who fear they may have been unduly affected by the incident.