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Archive for the ‘News’ Category

We have moved!

In News on May 18, 2010 at 21:38

No, really. We have.

You know what it’s like when you’ve been living in the same place, staring at the same tired old four walls for what seems like an eternity?  No?  Well, trust us, we’ve been in prison, and it’s really no fun.

Anyway, we digress.  As part of our ongoing plan to avoid all things cabin-fever related, we have moved The Oracle Speaks to a brand new, shiny site, with whistles, bells and large flashing buttons that nobody can seem to find a use for.

So, from now on, please point your internet web-browser-thingymmajig towards:

http://www.theoraclespeaks.net/

changing your bookmarks accordingly, before sitting back and waiting for the usual shoddy service to recommence.

Alternatively, if feeds are your thing, then simply hop to:

http://www.theoraclespeaks.net/?feed=rss2

and it’ll all do the rest.

While we’re here, we suppose we should also remind you that you can follow The Oracle Speaks on Facebook and Twitter at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Oracle-Speaks/299401696845?ref=ts

and

http://twitter.com/TheOracleSpeak

That’s all.

Love and hugs,

The Oracle Speaks

Movie studio buys rights for volcanic ash related sequel

In Entertainment, News on May 18, 2010 at 07:17

Universal Studios have purchased the rights to produce a full length motion picture around the topic of the recent volcanic ash crisis, it was announced yesterday.

The movie, called Ash on a Plane, will begin filming at the end of the year, and will be the sequel to the 2006 cult release Snakes on a Plane.

“I see this as less of a sequel, and more of a continuation of an exciting journey,” said Director Steven Spielberg, who enthusiastically attached himself to the project after reading the script.

"Ash? On a plane?"

“I’m just really pleased that Samuel L. Jackson has agreed to reprise his character from the first film. He really is the perfect choice to bring home the menace of all that dangerous, drifting, and relatively harmless ash to everyone who sees the film.”

“In the first movie, we had snakes, and they were on a plane,” explained Jackson. “This time, it’s ash from some volcano in Iceland or somewhere.

“Of course, in the film, nobody actually gets to see the ash, or go anywhere near it…in fact nobody actually gets to go on a plane either.

“It’s more of a tale of very frustrated people arriving at airports, forming huge lines at Starbucks and complaining that they should have got the ferry instead.

“My own character has to travel via two boats, a coach, two trans-continental trains and a donkey before deciding that he would have been better off hi-jacking the motherf*****g plane in the first place.”

Co-stars pencilled in to star alongside Jackson in Ash on a Plane include Harvey Keitel as an overworked Starbucks cashier, Kevin Spacey as a grounded flight attendant with a pressing engagement, and Danny Glover as a good cop one day short of his retirement.

“Who knows how it’ll go?” concluded Spielberg.  “We’ve developed a scriptand will begin filming in November, ahead of a release in January 2012.

“If it’s well received, then we can start thinking about a third film, which we’ve had in the pipeline for some time which tackles proposed strike action by British Airways cabin crews.

“It’ll be called Strikes on a Plane.”

Stuff happening to everyone, everywhere

In News on April 29, 2010 at 07:21

Lots of stuff is happening to pretty much everyone, all over the place, according to some people who know what’s going on.

The people who know what’s happening – probably because they’ve carried out some kind of research or something – claim that the amount of stuff going on is at its highest level since “quite a bit ago” when, presumably, some other people tried to do some other things to stop all the stuff happening.

Asked how much of the stuff will be happening today, a man from not far away from your house said: “Lots” before adding that he expected it to affect “most people”.

Some people, pointing at some of the stuff that's happening, presumably.

The man refused to confirm or deny whether he expected more of the stuff to happen next week, and his only comment on the issue was a firm, decisive: “Maybe”.

A leading authority had agreed to comment on why all of the stuff has been happening, before deciding to cancel at the last minute owing to the sheer volume of things that were happening to him.

“I’ll speak to you another time,” he said, without specifying when that would be.

Another man, or possibly a woman, said that they couldn’t remember how long all the stuff had been happening to them, and couldn’t honestly say when they thought it would all stop.

“I couldn’t honestly say when I think all this stuff will end,” they said.

Another man, who must have been quite a bit older than the others, said that he remembered stuff happening to him when he was quite young.

“I remember all the stuff happening back then, when I was a bit younger” he said. “But there was nothing like as much stuff going on then as there is now. Or maybe there was. Honestly, I couldn’t say.”

Some different people have been offering advice about the stuff that is happening, including details of how they should deal with it, and precautions they should take to make sure that they avoid even more of the stuff happening to them in the future.

Soon afterwards, however, they were told to be quiet, after it was noticed that they were specifically addressing the issue at hand, without being even slightly vague.

Returning holidaymakers relate horror of getting stranded in sunny, exotic, foreign climes

In News on April 21, 2010 at 09:46

Passengers arriving at Heathrow airport have described their relief at finally arriving home, after finding themselves marooned in a variety of sunny and exotic foreign destinations.

All airports in the UK  have been closed since the end of last week, because of volcanic ash clouds from the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland, which left hundreds of holidaymakers stranded abroad.  The first planes back began arriving back into the UK last night, with passengers keen to spell out the horror of their experience.

A British holidaymaker in abject misery

“We’ve been stuck in Bali for almost two weeks now, because of the volcanic ash” said Adrian Watson, 36 from Surrey at Heathrow’s Terminal 5.  “I mean, look at the state of me.  I’m so relaxed I don’t know what to do with myself. and with nothing else to do and have done nothing over the last few days other than lying on a sunkissed beach for up to seven hours each day – sometimes more.”

“My skin has turned precisely the kind of exotic shade of brown which evokes a deep mahogany, and I’ve been force-fed a seemingly endless diet of fresh seafood and cocktails.  It’s been unbearable.”

Adrian’s wife, Sheila, was moved to tears by her ordeal, and could only say: “It’s just so good to be back home.  Sometimes the sun was so hot that we would be forced into feeding ourselves ice-cream just to cool down.  If I have to look at another Cornetto, then I just don’t know what I’ll do.”

But it hasn’t just been the soaring temperatures and laid-back beach-bum lifestyle which has inconvenienced British holidaymakers forced to extend their stay.  Passengers arriving from locations all over the world been forced to endure a series of cultural differences which have made their enforced stay impossible.

“I went out looking for a good, English fry-up,” said Frank Dobson, 43, from Southwark, who had been stranded in New York since Thursday.  “Do you think I could find one?  No I could not.  Instead they kept offering me eggs ‘sunny side up’ – whatever that is – with hash browns and waffles.

“I swear, the first thing I did when I got off the plane was to run into the Garfunkels at the terminal, and get myself a full English with a nice cup of tea.

“Is it my fault these people live like savages?” he concluded.  “It’s so good to be home, and away from those freaks.”

Trains cancelled due to ‘wrong kind of volcanic ash’ on the line

In News on April 19, 2010 at 10:46

Rail services the length and breadth of the country have been severely disrupted after reports of “the wrong kind of volcanic ash” covering train tracks.

Services run by Virgin Trains, East Midland Railways, and National Express have all ground to a halt after the discovery of the ash, which had originated from the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull.

As a result of the volcanic eruption, rail customers nationwide have joined those abroad who found themselves stranded in their current destination.

The wrong sort

“If it’s a good enough excuse for the airlines, then it’s good enough for us,” said Bernie Southall, 54, a train driver from Stafford, as he sat out in his back garden in a deck chair, lamenting the news.  “Look, the thing is that our trains are all finely tuned machines, and they can only work at their optimum level when conditions are perfect.

“I mean, if it had been Norwegian volcanic ash, or even volcanic ash from Russia, then it wouldn’t have been a problem.  But this Icelandic stuff can be pretty tricky.

“Instead, we’ll have to just grin and bear it, and get on with the gruelling business of sitting outside and enjoying the warm Spring sunshine while everyone else is trying to get to places they need to be.  Oh well.  Fancy a beer?”

Melanie Jones, 29, from Norfolk, has been stranded just outside Leamington Spa since Saturday night, and added her voice to the chorus of disapproving voices.  “Listen, we just about bought it when they told us about the ‘wrong kind of leaves’ and then the ‘wrong kind of snow’ on the tracks  – but this is just a p*ss-take, isn’t it?

“What’s next?  Are they going to stay at home whenever it’s a bit rainy, or there’s something good on the telly?  I think we should be told.”

Meanwhile, union leaders have denied that their members are trying to find ways to cause more natural events in an attempt to gte more days off work.

“Rumours that we’ve sent three of our members to begin an evening class in vulcanology are only half-true,” said Phil Hedges from train drivers union ASLEF.  “Yes, we do have some guys taking the course, but there’s no sinister motive – they’ve always been interested in the subject.

“This has absolutely nothing to do with our drivers looking for more reasons to avoid doing any sort of work.  What’s more, if you suggest that again, we’ll strike.”

Home office urging everyone to go out and buy mephedrone while they still can

In News on April 13, 2010 at 12:14

The Home Office has urged everyone to go out and buy as much of the party drug mephedrone as they can carry before it is made illegal, according to reports.  The so-called ‘legal high’ will be classified as a Class B drug with effect from April 16th, leaving users a two-day window of opportunity to legally stock up on the substance.

Home Secretary Alan Johnson said: “Mephedrone, or ‘meow-meow’ will be criminalised from this week.  From this Friday, anybody found in possession of the drug could face five years in prison, while dealing the drug will bring a maximum sentence of fourteen years.

Home Secretary: "I've just bought two tonnes of the stuff"

“So what are you all waiting for?  Let’s all get as much of the stuff as possible, and we’ll have a massive party at my gaff on Thursday night!  Last one to finish their gigantic stash of mephedrone is a loser!”

According to users, the substance’s effects include increased alertness, euphoria, excitement, a feeling of stimulation and a desire to talk and be open.

“Basically, what you are describing are most of the characteristics currently being displayed by every politician in the land at this moment,” said Peter Franklin from the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD).

“I saw the Prime Minister on the telly only yesterday, demanding to tell everyone what he thought, grinning from ear to ear and laughing.  Either he’s off his tits on meow-meow, or Labour’s election manifesto really is as good as he says it is.”

Mephedrone user Kate Philpott, 23, from Surrey, said that she disagreed with plans to criminalise the drug.  “As a normally excitable woman, looking for a way to rationalise the way I enjoy telling every single person I know each and every single detail of everything that’s happening in my life, I have to say that the government’s decision is making it much more difficult for me to appear even slightly sane.

“I for one will be taking the Home Secretary’s advice and stockpiling so much of the stuff that I can barely move out of my front door in the morning,” she continued.

“The problem is, that if the police call round on Saturday, I’ll feel so compelled to be open with them, that I’ll probably tell them what I’ve done and land myself a prison sentence.  It’s a tricky situation, alright.”

Camilla to be put down after breaking leg

In News on April 9, 2010 at 07:21

The Duchess of Cornwall is to be put down after breaking her left leg while hillwalking in Scotland, Clarence House announced this morning.  Camilla, 62, suffered a twisted fracture of her fibula when she slipped on Wednesday and the break was later confirmed by x-ray.

Clarence House said: “We can confirm that the Duchess broke her leg on Wednesday. Having consulted with a number of doctors, as well as Her Majesty the Queen, we believe we have reached the best solution for everyone. It’s the most humane option for all concerned.”

Camilla: put out of her misery

After the fall, the Duchess was treated to her favourite meal of sugar lumps and a nice, juicy carrot while she waited for doctors to deliver their verdict.

“The best thing we can do now is to put the Duchess down as quickly and as humanely as possible to end her suffering,” said a doctor on the scene who had been examining Camilla after her fall.

“I’ll be heading out to the shed in five minutes or so to fetch a shotgun. That should do the job and put her out of her misery.  BAM!  Right between the eyes.”

Camilla will not be the first member of the Royal family to be put down after sustaining injury.  “Henry VIII was a big fan of ending the suffering of his wives,” said leading historian Bernard Fulthrop.

“A little known fact is that Anne Boleyn had sustained a severely bruised ankle after falling over in the street one day. That’s the real reason Henry had her put down or ‘executed’.

“In modern times, you only have to look at the case of Diana, Princess of Wales, who badly chipped a nail on her right hand in the summer of 1997.  Before you knew it, the Royal Family arranged to ease her suffering by orchestrating a car crash in a Parisian tunnel.  God bless them.”

Although Buckingham Palace confirmed that the Queen was unavailable for comment on the Duchess, loud whoops, hollers and party music could be heard emanating from the Palace well into the early hours of the morning.

Cameron caught messing about on bike instead of campaigning

In News, Politics on April 8, 2010 at 07:21

"Don't move. I'm going to do a wheelie over there."

Conservative leader David Cameron has come under fire for allegedly messing around on his bike, when he was supposed to be on the campaign trail for next month’s election, according to reports.

Reporters spotted the Conservative leader leaving his West London property first thing this morning, but noted that he made the decision to show off his cycling skills in neighbouring streets instead of heading to his office in Westminster.

The incident, which occurred between 8.30 and 9.00am saw the Tory leader riding his bike around a West London cul-de-sac in a bid to impress some bigger boys as well as some girls who were loitering in the area.

“He was riding around really quickly, wearing his hooded jacket over his head like a cape and making a loud ‘Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!’ sound,” said Rupert Collins, 53, who witnessed the activity through his net curtains.

“At first, I thought it was a kid causing trouble. Then he did a wheelie, and I got a good look at his face and saw who it was. ‘Marjorie!’ I cried. ‘Come and have a look! The leader of the opposition is cycling up and down our street, shouting to everyone that he’s Batman.'”

Susan Phelps, 36, was one of the girls that Mr Cameron is thought to have been trying to impress, and said: “He kept riding his bike around me in circles and asking me if I wanted to see him do a jump on his BMX at home.  Needless to say, I wasn’t interested at all.  It all made about as much sense to me as the Tories’ policy on education.”

Mr Cameron’s love of cycling may have helped attract some voters concerned about climate change, but it is not the first time it has landed the Tory leader in hot water. Earlier this week he was caught by television cameras cycling without a helmet.

“That little tyke will be the death of us,” said a leading source close to the Conservatives. “What’s he done now? Oh, he did, did he? Well rest assured that he’ll be sent straight to bed without any cartoons tonight.

“We’ve got an election to win. There’ll be plenty of time for riding around on his bike and impressing girls after May 6th. David is a very, very naughty boy.”

GCHQ denies everything, asks you what you’ve heard

In News on March 30, 2010 at 11:03

Mrs Smith at no. 13 wondered what that strange buzzing sound was coming from the phone...

Britain’s biggest intelligence agency, GCHQ has taken the unusual  step of denying all claims about everything, whilst suspiciously asking what you’ve heard and who told you.

GCHQ director Iain Lobban told the press: “We aren’t doing anything.  Honestly.  And even if we were, you wouldn’t be able to prove it.  Go on, try and prove it.  I bet you can’t.  What have you heard, anyway?  And who told you?  Tell me at once.”

The statement comes in the same week that the Government Communications Headquarters faced claims that it is building a vast database to store all communications in a ‘big brother’ style arrangement to intercept aimed at keeping a record of everything communicated by every single person in this country.

By its very nature GCHQ intercepts phone calls, e-mails and other communications around the world, which has lead to conspiracy theorists questioning whether or not the agency is able to capture all exchanges.

“In was on the internet the other day, writing an e-mail,” said Martin Carruthers, 24, from High Wycombe, “and suddenly all these pop-up windows came up.  I’m sure that it must have been GCHQ spying on me.  Either that or they came from the XXX Dutch porn website I was downloading videos from at the time.  I can’t decide which.”

“Listen, if you don’t tell me what you’ve heard then there’s pretty much nothing I can do about it,” continued Lobban.  “I certainly won’t listen into your telephone calls or do anything of the sort.  Ooooh no.  We’re just not interested in the conversations of ordinary people.

“We spend our time looking for that tiny, tiny proportion of communications globally which can make a difference to our nation’s security.  Well, that, and interesting domestic gossip and hearsay.  I can’t wait to hear what Mrs. Smith at no.13 in Cumbria is going to do, when she finds out her husband wasn’t really working late last night.  Oh no you didn’t!”

GCHQ’s low profile has lead to a number of claims about its daily operations, which had been shrouded in mystery.  Lobban was keen to dispel this impression:

“Mysterious? GCHQ?  It’s anything but.  We all sit around and sing songs, eating jelly and custard talking about how wonderful everything is, whilst painting with our hands.  Any suggestion that we spend all day getting up to any sort of covert surveillance of everybody in the country is ludicrous!

“I mean, of course, it’s largely true, but still ludicrous.”

Britain’s office workers announce strike over Easter weekend

In News on March 26, 2010 at 12:18

An artist's impression of a deserted office block during the strike

Britain’s office workers have announced a four-day strike over the Easter Holiday period as a protest against poor tea and coffee making facilities, as well as a severe shortage of video games, alcohol and hard narcotics in the workplace.

The strike was announced last night by the National Union of Office Workers (NUOW) officials after weeks of negotiations failed to bring a positive result, and follows hot on the heels of recent strike action by British Airways cabin crews and Network Rail.

Ken Brewster, general secretary of the NUOW said: “Our members are sick and tired of having to put up with sub-standard tea and coffee at their places of work.

And nobody I’ve spoken to can even remember the last time they were offered a crack pipe, or at the very least, a dirty pint with some tequila chasers at their desk.  What do you think we are – savages?”

Strike action will take effect at 5.30pm on Thursday, April 1st 2010, continuing through Good Friday, the entire Easter Weekend, and concluding at 12am on Easter Monday.

“That’ll teach them not to let us play video games during meetings,” said Dan Rodgers, 36, a supply chain manager from Croydon.

“I tried to fire up a game of Modern Warfare 2 on my Xbox in a meeting on supply chain logistics at our head office only the other week, but was told in no uncertain terms that if I did it again, I would be sacked.  How am I supposed to complete all those special ops missions at this rate?”

Reacting to accusations that the strike had been poorly thought through, owing to the fact that few, if any office workers would be required to be at their place of work throughout the duration of the industrial action, because of the long Bank Holiday weekend, Brewster was adamant that the authorities would learn their lesson.

“It’s more about the spirit of the strike,” he insisted.  “We threatened that if we did not get our booze, drugs and video games, then we would go on strike, and that’s exactly what we will be doing.  The fact that our industrial action happens to fall over a public holiday is just a coincidence.  Next time, the powers that be won’t be so lucky.  Or maybe they will.  We’ll see.”