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Nick Clegg admits: ‘I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing here’

In Politics on May 13, 2010 at 06:16


New Deputy Prime Minister and leader of the Liberal Democrats Nick Clegg has publicly admitted that he has obsolutely no idea what he is doing in his new role.

Mr Clegg made the frank admission after completing his first day at 10 Downing Street, after forming a coalition with David Cameron’s Conservative Party.

“Let’s be honest here, I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing,” Mr Clegg said upon leaving Downing Street last night.

“I know that I’m Deputy Prime Minister, but the Lib Dems have been without any sort of power for so long that I’m buggered if I know what that job actually entails.”

New Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that his deputy had been experiencing some teethcing problems:

“He just keeps going missing. I’m not sure if he gets lost in the corridors of Downing Street or what, but at one point earlier I tried to seek him out to discuss the make-up of the cabinet and found that he had managed to lock himself in the toilet for three hours.

“We had planned to form a strong, stable government which would benefit everyone in the United Kingdom. But when the Deputy PM can’t even work out a simple lock on a toilet door, then you’ve got to start worrying.”

Downing Street insiders seemed equally perplexed by Mr Clegg’s inability to grasp the fundamentals of government, claiming that he asked: “What’s the cabinet?” and twice implored civil servants to “explain to me again – how does a coalition work?”

A spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats explained their leader had spent a lot of time talking about how he was going to manouvre his party into a position of power, and absolutely none consideration what that power entails.  “I think Nick was expecting someone to give him some training on what he should do,” he said.

“At the moment, it’s pretty clear that he’s just winging it – let’s hope he doesn’t make any big mistakes, like accidentally starting a war with the United States or anything.”

Mr Clegg, meanwhile, assured reporters that he would “definitely get the hang of this government lark before too long” although he did make a point of asking: “has anyone has seen my friend Vince? I haven’t seen him for hours and I’m worried that the lock on the toilet door got the better of him too.”


‘Can I be your friend?’ Cameron asks Clegg

In Politics on May 10, 2010 at 07:09

Alton Towers: made Nick Clegg sick

After months of crying, arguing and falling out, David Cameron has finally asked Nick Clegg if he will be his friend.

Cameron, 43, who already has lots of other friends, found to his surprise last week that he did not have quite as many as he thought he had.

As a result, Mr Cameron approached the Liberal Democrats leader at the swings outside Westminster over the weekend to see if they could be best chums forever, and to ask him if he would share his other friends.

“I’ve got Playstation, and crisps and lots of fizzy pop,” Cameron told Clegg, 43, in what was described as an ‘amicable’ meeting yesterday.

“Also, it’s my birthday soon, and we’re all going to have a big sleepover and then go to Alton Towers for the day. Oh, and I suppose we can discuss electoral reform too, if you really insist.”

Mr Clegg is thought to have responded by asking Mr Cameron which games he’s got for his Playstation, who his favourite football team is, and whether or not he felt that he could get on board with constitutional reform that included Proportional Representation in parliament.

“These are the key issues,” argued former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy. “If they are to be friends, then Nick will need to ask him all of these questions, as well as sounding him out for a lend of his bike.

“It’s worth noting that Nick has been to Alton Towers already quite recently, and was sick on one of the rollercoasters, so it’s not a very attractive proposal for him. This friendship is far from a done deal.”

Meanwhile, Labour leader Gordon Brown, 59, found out that he had lost a large number of his own friends last week, and argued that he would be a much better friend for Mr Clegg.

“Have I mentioned that my dad’s got a much better car?  Also, he’s bigger than Cameron’s dad.  And harder too.  I heard that David has only got a Playstation 2.  I’ve got a Playstation 3, with loads of cool fighting games, as well as some ace DVDs that Nick can borrow.

“If anyone should be Nick’s friend it’s me,” he concluded.

BBC political journalist Andrew Marr said: “What are they like?  If I had my way, we’d bash all of their heads together until they agree to form a meaningful, strong and stable government for Great Britain.  Perhaps they can resolve it all over a game of conkers?”

Politics is election’s real winner, claim defeated politicians

In Politics on May 7, 2010 at 07:11

Defeated politicians up and down the country are claiming that politics has been the real winner of yesterday’s General Election, according to reports from all three major political parties.

Although the official election outcome has resulted in the first hung parliament since 1974, politicians who lost their seats have suggested that this points to a strong moral victory for all the political parties, and indeed, politics itself.

“At this point, it’s not really important who won, and who lost what,” said Jacqui Smith, who lost her seat to Conservative Karen Lumley in the early hours of the morning.

Lembit Opik, talking about politics yesterday

“No, it’s far more relevant to applaud everyone who stood at this General Election and put on such an audacious display of politics. At times like these, it really is important to stress that it’s not the winning that counts, it’s the taking part.

“Although, obviously, winning is quite important too,” added Smith.

Lembit Opik, who lost his Liberal Democrat seat in Montgomeryshire to Conservative Glyn Davies agreed, declaring: “Over the course of this campaign we’ve seen some smashing politics, with some lovely policies and some very important speeches.

“I think it’s a shame that all of this is forgotten in the rush to remember who won this, or who threw away a clear majority in that seat.

“Perhaps we should spend a little less time worrying about the so-called ‘13.6% swing’ in any particular seat and a bit more celebrating the wonderful exhibition of politics we have been treated to.”

Former television presenter Esther Rantzen came fourth in Luton South with 1,872 votes but said: “What all these people who are focusing on the so-called ‘results’ are forgetting is that this has been an election where we have shown that we have the best politics in the world.

“I mean, sure, we can’t even organise an election without people complaining about the polls shutting on time, while the major parties are still bickering over who should get into power a clear 24 hours after polling started.

“But apart from that, this has been a red-letter day in politics for everyone, regardless of whether they won their seat, or were roundly thrashed, and one in which everyone around the world can look on with a degree of envy.”

General Election is great excuse to head to the pub early, says research

In Politics on May 6, 2010 at 07:13

More appealing than voting

Hundreds of thousands of voters across the country will be using today’s General Election as an excuse for bunking off work early and heading to the pub, according to new research released yesterday.

The study, conducted by the National Institute for Research (NIR) found that election-based excuses had already been made by British workers in order to secure a couple of hours of extra drinking time at the end of the working day.

“Our research points to an astonishing amount of creativity on behalf of British workers, who obviously view the prospect of sinking a few pints as more appealing than exercising their civic duty,” said the NIR’s Dudley Pilkington-Hume, who was responsible for the study.

“Although you could argue that this shows, on the one hand, a disproportionately large number of people using the same, tired excuse about wanting to leave early to get their vote in, the variety of reasons given is impressive.

“Indeed, the fact that polls open at 7am and do not close until 10pm means that excuses from work-shy people across the country have had to show a degree of ingenuity in order to make their story sound convincing.”

The study found that more than 34% of British workers will vaguely excuse themselves to leave early to vote because of ‘a thing’ they have to do after work. 23%, meanwhile, will claim that they have to vote early ‘for religious reasons’.

Other notable excuses to be used include ‘attending a piano recital tonight by my cat’ (5%) and ‘I’m standing as a local MP and want to do some last minute canvassing'(17%). 97% of those who said they would be leaving early to vote, also admitted that they would go directly to the pub, with the remaining 3% adamant that they will pick up a six-pack of premium strength lager on the way home.

Steve Jenkins, a 38 year-old insurance salesman from Basildon, Essex, summed up the general feeling of the electorate, stating: “To be honest, I don’t really care what time the polls open.  I’m much more concerned about what time the pubs open.  I’ll use any excuse I can to make sure I can get down to the drinking station as quickly as possible and this election has been a Godsend in that respect.”

A government spokesperson, who had been invited to denounce the study’s findings was unavailable for comment after declaring that he had to “nip out and have a quick dri-….I mean, vote.”

Cameron to ‘thcweam and thcweam and thcweam’ if not elected

In Politics on May 5, 2010 at 07:13

Conservative leader David Cameron has claimed that he will “thcweam and thcweam and thcweam” if he is not elected as Prime Minister in tomorrow’s election.

Speaking to Channel 4 News in a live interview on the eve of the election, Mr Cameron had been in the process of explaining Tory policy on immigration when presenter Jon Snow asked: “So then, what will happens if you don’t get elected?”

Viewers have described how the leader of the opposition’s face turned a bright shade of red, before he waved his arms, stamped his feet and declared: “I’ll thcweam and thcweam and thcweam.


“I want to be Prime Minister!” wailed Mr Cameron, as he knocked over a glass of water and threw his microphone to the floor. “And I want it NOW. NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW.”

When asked to comment on the outburst from the Conservative leader, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said: “To be honest, I think it’s a shame that David lacks the capacity to debate this issue like a grown-up. His childish tantrum is symptomatic of the way the Tories operate.”

However, Mr Brown did add: “Besides – I’M THE PRIME MINISTER. ME,” as he appeared to soil his trousers. “I was here first. It’s MY job.”

The Prime Minister then stuck his fingers in his ears and shouted, “LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. MINE, MINE, MINE, LA LA LA.”

“I wish they’d all just grow up,” said BBC political editor Nick Robinson, who demanded to be given an ice-cream before he would agree to comment.  “Honestly.  I haven’t seen anything like this since John Major had to be burped half-way through an interview on Newsnight in 1996.”

Lib Dems leader Nick Clegg, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment as it was well past his bed-time, while a senior party official claimed that he had cried so hard upon seeing the results of the latest poll that he’d been sick and thrown up his tea.

“He’s had a very busy day,” said a spokesperson for the Liberal Democrats.  “It’s for the best that we set him down for the night with his favourite teddy and a hot water bottle so that he’s bright-eyed and refreshed for tomorrow.

“He’s such a big, strong boy.”

English, Scottish and Welsh independence parties still unaware that England, Scotland and Wales are part of Britain

In Politics on April 30, 2010 at 08:43

The island of Great Britain

In the wake of the third and final Leaders’ Debate yesterday, representatives from the English Democrats, Scottish National Party and Plaid Cymru have labelled the debates one-sided and biased in favour of Britain, seemingly unaware that England, Scotland and Wales are all part of the British Isles.

Senior figures in all three parties have accused Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Conservative leader David Cameron and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg of focusing all their attention on British voters, while failing to address the pressing concerns that affect England, Scotland and Wales.

Following yesterday’s debate, Plaid Cymru leader Ieuan Wyn Jones strongly criticised the three main party leaders. “What I didn’t hear tonight was any of them recognising the special problems that we have particularly here in Wales,” Mr Jones said.

“Instead, they kept banging on about ‘Britain’, and all the so-called ‘issues’ they have there. Who are these ‘British people’ anyway? Why do they get all the attention? It’s ridiculous.”

Robin Tilbrook, chairman of the English Democrats, was equally scathing, accusing the three “motor-mouthed” leaders of being desperate to boost their careers, but ignorant of the voters of England.

“None of them were willing to even mention England or the English nation,” Mr Tilbrook said. “It was all ‘Britain this’ and ‘Britain that’. Where do these people think they live? They’ll be trying to tell us that England is a part of Europe next — don’t even get me started on that.”

The SNP, which failed in its attempt to block the debate being broadcast in Scotland unless it featured party leader Alex Salmond, have been vociferous opponents of the Leaders’ Debates from the start.

Following the historic first debate, Mr Salmond complained that “all we got was three Westminster politicians looking the same, sounding the same and saying nothing of relevance to Scotland.

They discussed the ‘British economy’, the ‘defence of the realm’ and ‘immigration into Britain’. I can’t see what relevance any of that has to Scotland. Not unless Scotland was somehow a component part in a larger entity called Britain. But that would be just silly,” Mr Salmond added.

In a specially arranged conference, to be held next week, Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg have agreed to meet with representatives from the three independence parties to discuss British politics and explain exactly what it means to voters in England, Scotland and Wales.

Inside sources have revealed that the three party leaders will be bringing an oversized map of Great Britain with them, and intend to jab at it repeatedly, in an increasingly aggressive fashion, until the message finally sinks in.

‘Bigotted’ woman vows cold, silent, deadly revenge on Prime Minister

In Politics on April 28, 2010 at 13:12

Mrs Duffy, in training, earlier

A 65 year-old grandmother, labelled as a ‘bigot’ by Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vowed to take “cold, silent, yet deadly revenge” for the comments which left her feeling “humiliated” and “very, very upset.”

Mr. Brown made the remarks about Gillian Duffy after meeting voters on the street during a visit to Rochdale earlier today. Unaware upon stepping into his car that the microphone was still recording his conversation, the Prime Minister declared to an aide:

“That was a disaster – they should never have put me with that woman. Whose idea was that? Ridiculous…she was just a bigoted woman.”

Having seen Mr. Brown’s comments, Mrs Duffy said that she was at first saddened at the thought of the nation’s leader slandering her in such a way, before revealing that a cold, steely determination had grown inside of her to exact vengeance.

“Oh sure, I may look like a befuddled old lady,” said Mrs Duffy, as she retreated into the shadows, wearing a thin, determined grin, “but inside this seemingly vacuous shell beats the heart of a ruthless, cold blooded killer.

Mrs Duffy went on to speculate about the different ways in which she could even the score with the Prime Minister. “He’s made me look like a bloody fool. Nobody – not even Agnes, down at the Bingo – NOBODY does that and gets away with it. Should I shoot him with a firearm? Or club him to death with a crowbar?

“No, both would be far too public. My revenge will be cold and silent, yet deadly. Oh, yes. I’ll strike to claim my revenge, but only when he least expects it.”

Neighbours to Mrs Duffy’s Rochdale home claim that the pensioner is a “Master of the ancient art of ninjistu,” and that she had been “waiting silently, patiently, but with a burning desire” to put what she has learnt to good use. “Brown’s messing with the wrong woman,” said a local man. “I wouldn’t like to be him right now, that’s for sure.”

A Conservative spokesperson was laughing too hard to comment accurately although did point out, whilst pointing to a picture of the Prime Minister that the definition of a bigot is “a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices. Sound like anyone you know?”

UK voters still undecided over which “hung parliament” pun to use

In Politics on April 23, 2010 at 08:23

You can only choose one

UK voters are still undecided on the best pun to use in the event of a hung parliament, it was revealed today. Current opinion polls show that, should no party win an overall majority in the impending General Election, the British public are uncertain whether to quip “Hung parliament? They don’t look very well hung to me!” or “Hung parliament? Too right — they should hang all politicians!”

The news comes after polls showed the gap between the three main political parties has closed as a result of last night’s second televised leader’s debate, increasing the likelihood of a hung parliament.

The party leaders have been quick to voice support for their pun of choice, following warnings from the financial sector that a weak pun could adversely affect the economy. Speaking from 10 Downing Street, Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that there was “only one realistic choice of pun for Britain”.

“To preserve stability, the British public must unite behind the ‘well hung’ pun,” Mr Brown told voters. “The other one is grammatically incorrect, anyway. It’s hanged, not hung.”

Conservative leader David Cameron defended his choice of pun, saying it was time to challenge Mr Brown’s “outdated” way of thinking.

“Last week, I met a black, gay Chelsea pensioner who told me he’d had enough of this government telling him how he could and couldn’t misuse the English language,” Mr Cameron said.

But the war of words has now been turned on its head by the appearance of an unprecedented third hung parliament pun, backed by Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. From being just an also-ran in previous hung parliament scenarios, the third pun has emerged as a credible contender.

“There is another choice,” Mr Clegg told some people who didn’t know who he was a few weeks ago. “You could say that you’d like politicians to be ‘hung out to dry’. It’s something neither of the other two puns offer: voters can engage in a real change of wordplay, without compromising their grammatical integrity.”

In recent hours the Prime Minister has hit back at Mr Clegg’s pun, saying that it lacks depth.

“The pun Nick is offering is ineffectual and weak, and has no grounding in reality,” the Prime Minister said. “What does ‘hung out to dry’ really mean, anyway? What does it mean for Britain? What this country needs now is a solid, reliable pun, with no ambiguity of meaning. Apart from the pun element, obviously,” he added.

SNP denies pledging free kilts and haggis in election manifesto

In Politics on April 20, 2010 at 09:29

The next leader of the SNP?

The Scottish National Party (SNP) has moved to discredit rumours that its election manifesto will be built around a promise to offer free kilts and haggis to all voters.  The manifesto will be set out today by First Minister Alex Salmond, who this morning denied that the rumours were true.

“The SNP’s election manifesto will be built around the fact that a hung parliament could offer Scotland its greatest ever opportunity,” Salmond insisted.

“We want to create 60,000 green energy jobs over the next decade and are not focusing in any way on giving free kilts and haggis to voters.  Nor will we be handing out any ginger wigs and making people wear them.  Honestly, I don’t know where these suggestions have come from.”

Ahead of the election on May 6th, the SNP have been canvassing voters and spelling out its policies on unilateral nuclear disarmament, progressive personal taxation and the eradication of poverty.

Douglas McHendry, 68, a pensioner from Edinburgh, said he was surprised at the SNP’s policies after meeting Calum Cashley, the candidate for Edinburgh North and Leith.  “To be honest, I was expecting them to advocate more practical measures, like enforcing the playing of bagpipes in all public places, and deep frying all confectionary on sale in the country,” he said.

“I also thought they might campaign a little bit harder for the excellent Jimmy Krankie to return to our television screens, and make every single cinema in the country show Braveheart three times a day at a minimum.  But apparently, the SNP seem to think that there are more pressing matters for the Scottish electorate to concentrate on.  For shame.”

The SNP have refused to comment on speculation that Rab C. Nesbitt could be brought in to replace Salmond if the election campaign is not a success.

“Yes, we understand that there are lots of people who identify with Rab C. Nesbitt across Scotland,” said an SNP spokesperson, “but the fact remains that he’s a fictional character, and it just isn’t possible to get him to hold a parliamentary seat.

“It sounds to me like there are some people south of the border who have been associating the SNP with lazy national stereotypes, instead of examining our policies.”

Meanwhile, the Scottish character from The Russ Abbott Show was unavailable for comment, although friends say that he uttered an emphatic “I’ll see you Jimmy!” upon discussing the matter recently.

TV debate won by that other bloke

In Politics on April 16, 2010 at 10:11

The other bloke

The first televised debate in British political history was last night won by the bloke who isn’t the Prime Minister, or the leader of the Conservatives. 

Polls reported that the man, who nobody seems to recognise, won the debate with as much as 61% of those watching voting in favour of him, despite the fact that they had little or no idea of who he was.

People all over the country were desperately trying to remember who the mysterious ‘other man’ was following last night’s broadcast.

“He looked a little bit like David Cameron, only a little thinner in the face, and with a yellow tie,” said BBC political editor Nick Robinson.  “From this, we can deduce two things. 

“Firstly, that his favourite colour is yellow, and secondly, that he seems to have an interest in politics.  I suppose that explains why he was taking part in the debate, to some extent, but beyond that, I haven’t got a clue.”

Although the general consensus was that the man had won the debate, there seemed to be a great deal of confusion over what exactly had given him the edge.

“It’s difficult to say why I thought he did well,” said Daniel Lott, 21, a student at Durham University.  “Although I did like the way he didn’t say ‘sh*t’ or ‘bum’ at all during the debate.  Not even once. 

“I suppose you could say the same for Brown and Cameron, too, but I particularly admired the way the other guy didn’t say those words.  It’s as though casual swearing was the last thing on his mind.  Brilliant.”

“I thought he had a smashing suit on,” said Mavis Thrower, 72, from Dorset.  “”Plus, his hair was very neat and tidy.  I think that’s the sort of thing we should be looking for in the next Prime Minister.  Smart clothes, and nice hair.”

The 90-minute debate was the first time that the British public had been given an opportunity to see the two political party leaders, plus another bloke, debate matters of policy. 

“Do any of you actually know who I am?” asked the man at the end of the debate, as Gordon Brown and David Cameron turned to each other and shrugged.

It is unclear at this point whether or not the man will be invited to join in the next two debates.

“He did quite well, so why not have him back?” concluded Nick Robinson.  “Maybe by then we’ll have some kind of idea who he is, and why he’s there?”