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England captain Collingwood apologises for Twenty20 final victory

In Sport on May 17, 2010 at 07:14

England's captain comiserates with the rest of the players after victory over Australia

England captain Paul Collingwood has apologised to the British public for victory in yesterday’s World Twenty20 final against Australia.

Collingwood himself hit the winning runs with three overs to spare in the Caribbean to give England their first ever world cricket title, but said:

“I’d just like to apologise to all the supporters who came all this way, and to everyone watching at home. We really did everything we could to throw this game away, like we normally do, but in the end we were just too good for Australia.

“The point is that is wasn’t just our batsmen who were inexplicably good, but our bowlers too – and not just today, but throughout the entire tournament.  And for that, I apologise.”

Craig Kievswetter and Kevin Pietersen were the most disappointed in the England dressing room after the final, having staged a second-wicket partnership of 111 to steer England to victory.

“I’m not sure how it happened,” said Pietersen. “We were both out there, slashing wildly at everything, not really talking to each other and taking outrageous risks as usual, but for some reason, it was just really, really difficult to get out today.”

To confound his misery, Pietersen was named man of the tournament after scoring 248 runs in total.

“Look, I’m as embarassed as anyone about this, alright?” was all he would say after sheepishly receiving the award.

England cricket expert Geoffrey Boycott said he thought the England team should be ashamed of their performance:

“There are hundreds of thousands of England cricket fans in this country who have been brought up with an expectation of disappointment when it comes to these tournaments,” he said.

“How do they expect them to feel now that they’ve actually gone and won something? I’m not sure, but uncertain, confused and a little bit angry should just about cover it.”

“I suppose that we’ve now just got to try and pick ourselves up after this unexpected and disapponting tournament success,” Collingwood concluded.

“All we can do is try our hardest to lose the majority of games remaining this year, which should put us in an excellent position to get thrashed in the Ashes this winter.”


Capello set to name 30 least awful players in the country

In Sport on May 11, 2010 at 07:06

England coach Fabio Capello will today announce what he thinks are the 30 least awful players in the country, ahead of next month’s World Cup Finals in South Africa.

The list of 30 will be cut down to 23 players, all of whom are considered to be marginally less terrible at playing football than the rest of the country.

“It’s been a tough decision,” said Capello last night. “I mean, look at our players – they are all pretty bad, almost without exception. I suppose I’ll just have to name the 30 players who are least likely to conclude every run on goal with a death-defying crash into the advertising hoardings.”

Not as awful as some of the other players

Asked if this ruled out the inclusion of Aston Villa’s Emile Heskey, Capello frowned. “No. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case and it looks like we’re stuck with him, despite the fact that he averages a goal every 43 months.

“We’ve also got at least two massively error prone goalkeepers, a lanky beanpole up front who has the subtlety and touch of a large articulated truck and a large number of players who have extreme difficulty keeping their trousers on when they see a pretty lady.

“Do Spain and Brazil have these problems?  I rather think not.”

Asked if England would do well at the World Cup, Capello’s assistant Stuart Pearce found time in between filming World Cup related TV adverts to declare: “Oh, sure. We’ll probably go on and win it quite easily and without even trying.

“After all, who have the other teams got? Messi? Ronaldo? Kaka? To hell with that. We’ve got Michael Carrick. The other countries might as well not bother showing up.”

Football’s governing body FIFA confirmed this morning that they had turned down a request from the FA to call some surprising new players into the squad.

“I can confirm that the FA made a request to bring in several players who would they feel will improve their team for the World Cup,” said a FIFA spokesperson.

“Unfortunately, we had to tell them that Pele has retired, not to mention the fact that he is Brazilian, while Roy Race and Billy the Fish are both entirely fictional characters.”

Rest of the Addams Family delighted for Avram Grant over Cup success

In Sport on April 12, 2010 at 12:58

"Well done Avram!"

The other members of the Addams Family have publicly congratulated Portsmouth manager Avram Grant for his success in yesterday’s FA Cup semi-final victory over Tottenham Hotspur.

In a public statement, head of the family Gomez Addams expressed his delight at the 2-0 win at Wembley Stadium. “I’d just like to say on behalf of the whole family how pleased we were about Avram’s success yesterday,” he said.

“It was creepy and it was kooky, mysterious and spooky.  And altogether ooky, the Portsmouth victory.  Uncle Fester was beside himself, while Morticia and I celebrated long into the night.  We’re so proud of him.”

Portsmouth’s triumph was sealed with goals from Frederic Piquionne and Kevin-Prince Boateng, and means that they will face holders Chelsea in the FA Cup Final on May 15th in a climactic end to a season which has seen them relegated out of the Premier League owing to poor results and financial irregularities.

“Myself and Pugsley were not displeased to hear that Portsmouth will be playing in the Championship next season,” said Wednesday Addams.  “The Premier League is far too…exciting…while the Championship has lots of older grounds for us to visit, some of which might be haunted.  However, the FA Cup Final is a different matter altogether.”

Avram Grant was brought up as an honourary member of the Addams Family, living with them at the Addams Family mansion in the middle of a cemetery until the early 1970s when he decided to pursue a career as a professional football coach in Israel.

“He always had a natural affinity for the role,” said Uncle Fester.  “Even at the mansion, he used to prowl around, scowling at Lurch and the Thing as they kicked a ball about, telling them what to do.

“Of course, he had a bit of an obsession with electrocuting anyone on his team who conceded a goal, which FIFA frowned upon…but in fairness, it did mean that his teams always had an excellent defensive record.”

Former Portsmouth manager Tony Adams refused to join the chorus offering praise to Grant.  “Are you only asking my opinion on this because my name is ‘Adams’?” he said.  “It’s not even spelt the same way.  I captained England, you know.  This is the thanks I get.”

Rooney injury threatens to put an end to civilisation as we know it

In Sport on March 31, 2010 at 09:18

Wayne Rooney was last night undergoing medical tests to ascertain the seriousness of an injury that is threatening to put an end to civilisation as we know it.

The Premier League’s leading scorer and leading choice for footballer of the year had to be helped from the pitch with suspected ankle ligament damage after Manchester United’s 2-1 defeat in the first leg of their Champions League quarter-final against Bayern Munich last night, seemingly unaware of the sense of impending doom the injury had created.

Ferguson: blames himself

Rooney, who left the Allianz Arena in Munich on crutches and with his right foot in a protective boot, was due to have a hospital scan today amid concerns that he could be facing a possible six-week lay-off.  However, team doctor Dr. Steve McNally took time out from burying his head deep in his hands, rocking backwards and forwards and wailing softly, to comment:

“What’s the point?   I mean, what’s the point in anything anymore?   He’s probably out for the rest of the title run-in, not to mention the World Cup finals.  Anything we do to help him will probably just make the whole thing worse.

“It’s time we all ran out onto the streets, and started looting and pillaging, because, to be honest, I can’t really see anything else worth living for.  Can you?”

Rooney’s manager, Sir Alex Ferguson painted a bleak picture of how life would be without Rooney over the next six weeks or so.  “I think we all hoped and prayed that this day would never come…but it looks like it has,” a morose Ferguson announced.

“I’m afraid that everyone has to plan for the worst, and barricade ourselves inside our homes with as many supplies of fresh water and grain as we can muster, all the while hoping – against hope – that somehow everything turns out alright.  This is a time to be with your loved ones.  Go to them.”

Asked whether or not there was any chance that Rooney, 24, would recover in time for United’s title run-in, the United manager broke down.

“WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?” he wailed.  “I blame myself…I honestly do.  If only I hadn’t been so selfish in my pursuit of a second away goal in Munich.  If only I had taken him off five minutes earlier….if only.  And now…now, everything is lost.”

Asked for his view on Rooney’s injury, BBC pundit Alan Hansen would only say: “May God have mercy on us all.  I still fancy Liverpool for the title, though.”

Capello vows to select Beckham despite injury

In Sport on March 16, 2010 at 08:12

England coach Fabio Capello shocked the sporting world last night by vowing to select AC Milan midfielder David Beckham for this summer’s World Cup Finals in South Africa – despite the fact that he had appeared to have been ruled out of the tournament by serious injury.

Upon hearing the news that Beckham had successfully undergone surgery on his Achilles tendon, Capello last night insisted: “Well, that’s good news. But, to be completely honest it doesn’t change my plans for the World Cup even slightly, and I’m still going to select him.”

Beckham: on his way to South Africa

When pressed on the sanity of selecting a player who might not even be able to run for another month, let alone play football at the highest level, Capello shrugged.

“Look, these are all perfectly valid points.  But what else do you expect me to do? Select Shaun Wright-Phillips? That’ll be the day. Even on crutches and with one functional leg, Beckham can still be trusted to put in a better stint over 90 minutes, and has the added advantage of not needing a special pair of steps to help him reach the top shelf of his locker.

“But at the same time, I think everyone needs to understand that Beckham’s presence in the squad was never going to stand or fall on his footballing ability alone. No, I really just want him there to look adorable in the team photograph and pass on fashion tips to the players. Didn’t you know that I’m Italian?”

Beckham, 35, tore his Achilles tendon on Sunday night whilst playing for Milan against Chievo, and it had been thought that the injury was going to rule him out for up to five months. The England midfielder was keen to outline his manager’s plans for him, however, in a statement to the press this morning.

“Mr Capello wants me to, y’know, come on the pitch whenever there are set pieces and swing around my crutches until I make enough contact with the ball to get it into the box.  He said it was, y’know, the same principle as table football.  Y’know.”

A spokesperson from the FA was far too depressed to offer any comment on the story, and when questioned, could only be heard to emit a low, gentle, sobbing noise.

Beckham insists that Ferguson is ‘massive, massive tw*t’

In Sport on March 10, 2010 at 09:05

AC Milan and England midfielder David Beckham has stoked the fires ahead of tonight’s Champions League 2nd Round match at Old Trafford by declaring that United manager Sir Alex Ferguson is a “massive, massive tw*t.”

Beckham’s comments, made as he sat alongside his manager, Leonardo, were made to a stunned group of journalists during last night’s pre-match press conference in Manchester.

“Look,” said Beckham, 34, “I know that I’m supposed to be all respectful and all that, and make sure I say the right thing, but I’m sorry, I can’t take it anymore.


“If I hear one more person banging on about what a ‘great man’ Ferguson is, I’ll be sick over myself. The fact is that he’s a massive, massive tw*t. Always has been, always will be.”

Beckham went on to continue his verbal attack on the United manager, citing the boot Ferguson hurled at him in the dressing room after a match in 2003 as an example.

“He kicked a boot at me and nearly blinded me!” Beckham exclaimed. “I mean, really.  Who does that?  I needed two stitches in my eye, for God’s sake. Yes, I know I said that I had forgiven him, but try putting yourself in my position, will you?”

Milan manager Leonardo, who had been wearing an expression of shock throughout Beckham’s diatribe, added: “Personally, I couldn’t agree more with what David says.

“Ferguson is a purple-faced bully and a total dick to boot. Anyone who has their own stopwatch to time the number of minutes of added time has got to be an almighty douche when you think about it.”

Meanwhile, Martin Samuel, Football Correspondent for The Daily Mail said: “I don’t understand it. These press conferences are usually just full of platitudes about how great the other team is. Beckham has never said anything remotely controversial in his life before. What’s happening?”

Manchester United declined to offer official comment on Beckham’s remarks, although an inside source confirmed: “Sure, Ferguson is one of the most successful football managers of all time. But that doesn’t make him any less of a prick. What a huge, gigantic tw*t he is.”

Ejup Ganic ‘Not that kind of war criminal’ says Tony Pulis

In Sport, World News on March 1, 2010 at 23:03

Stoke City manager Tony Pulis has sprung to the defence of former Bosnian president Ejup Ganic, who was arrested at Heathrow for war crimes today, insisting that: “He’s just not that kind of war criminal.”

The football world was shocked by Pulis’s staunch defence of Ganic, who had been in the UK for several days having attended a number of events at Buckingham University.

Ganic is thought to be one of 19 Bosnians accused of involvement in an alleged hijack of Yugoslav army convoy withdrawing from Sarajevo in 1992, a month after the Bosnian war started, in which 42 soldiers were killed.

Pulis: ridiculous hat

However Pulis was insistent in his appraisal of the situation: “Nobody really knows what Ejup Ganic is like, except the Bosnian people,” he said. “What right do the Serbian authorities have to demand his extradition? None, that’s what.

“I mean, sure, the boy’s gone in hard, but there’s been absolutely no intent to brutally slaughter 42 soldiers,” Pulis continued. “I’ll tell you what’s more – Ejup Ganic doesn’t have a murderous bone in his body…he’s just misunderstood.  If you ask me, these Yugoslav army convoys get entirely too much protection from the authorities, when the real truth is that they just don’t like it up ’em.”

Football pundits have been left uncertain as to the exact reason behind Pulis’s outburst, although ITV’s Andy Townsend suggested one theory:

“This isn’t exactly a new phenomenon. Tony has been making excuses for any number of inexplicable things for months now. Take for instance his constant inclusion of Ricardo Fuller up front and insistence that he has ‘played well’.  Or, for that matter, the fact that makes no apology for being a balding, middle-aged man who wears a baseball cap?

“Surely none of these things can be defended? I thought I’d seen everything when I saw him defend Ryan Shawcross’s attempt to amputate Aaron Ramsey’s leg on Saturday…but now this?”

Bookmakers William Hill are already offering odds of 2-1 that Pulis will begin defending that most indefensible of things – Ashley Cole cheating on Cheryl – before the season’s end, while Ejup Ganic faces an automatic domestic three-war suspension for violent, murderous conduct.

Ashley Cole to give up being hateful little chav for Lent

In News, Sport on February 17, 2010 at 08:06

Spot the chav

Chelsea and England footballer Ashley Cole has promised to give up being a hateful little chav for Lent, according to a statement on the FA’s website.  The news follows mounting media speculation that Cole made the decision to change his lifestyle because of a misunderstanding of the origins of Ash Wednesday.

“Ashley thought Ash Wednesday meant that everyone called Ash – or Ashley – had to give up something dear to them,” revealed a source. “In his case, he thought he had to give up being a loathsome gobshite and the kind of idiot that sends semi-naked pictures of himself to Page 3 girls.

“As a result, he’s going to have to give up being a chav for forty days – probably longer.  He’s going to be very angry when it is explained to him that Ash Wednesday is more about religious abstinence than anything, and that he’s got the wrong end of the stick.”

Despite the misunderstanding, it is thought that Cole, 29, who is married to Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole, was put under additional pressure by a mysterious source to give up his chavvy ways for Lent.

A Chelsea insider noted: “The day after the tabloids had all those pictures of Ashley showing his nipples off, he arrived at the training ground covered in bruises.

“He was rocking backwards and forwards and kept muttering to himself something about not taking his shirt off in public or ‘the Geordie will beat me’. Who he was referring to is anyone’s guess.  It’ll just have to remain a mystery, I suppose.”

Cheryl Cole made a brief statement to the press on the matter at last night’s Brit Awards, insisting that: “Ashley’s been a very naughty boy, and he’s not allowed out to play until he becomes much less of an annoying, money-obsessed little prick.  First, of course, he’s going to have to do something about having the kind of face that you just want to lay into with a piece of lead piping….er, not that I’ve ever done that to him, you understand.”

As part of his commitment to giving up being a chav, it is thought that Ashley Cole has decided to throw out his mobile phone to avoid temptation, and will simply carry around a two-way walkie-talkie with Cheryl, in case he needs to contact his wife.

Neighbours have also spoken of how Ashley knocked on their door this morning, wearing a nice cardigan, to bring some chocolate-chip muffins he had ‘spent the day baking.’

“It’s so refreshing to see young Ashley change his ways,” said Deirdre Palmer, 83, an elderly neighbour of Cole’s.  “Mind you, he was acting like such an utter w****r, that anything would have been an improvement, I suppose.”

John Terry, Vernon Kay both take weekend off to ‘spend more time with one another’

In Entertainment, News, Sport on February 11, 2010 at 08:03

Tess Daly: Never mind the accent, you would, wouldn't you?

Chelsea Football Club have confirmed that their captain, John Terry, will miss this weekend’s FA Cup game in favour of “spending more time” with television presenter Vernon Kay, who has also pulled out of his Saturday morning radio show following a week in the news headlines.

Sources close to the club confirmed that Terry, 29, put in the request for compassionate leave to Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti shortly after gratefully learning that Vernon Kay’s indiscretions had moved him off the tabloid front pages.

A club spokesperson said: “John feels he owes a debt of thanks to Vernon and wants to spend a bit of time with him to reward his generosity of spirit.  Let’s face it, before news of Vernon’s sex texts fiasco, JT was generally considered to be the muckiest man in England.

“But that all changed the minute Vernon went behind Tess Daly’s back.  He’s angered all the middle class housewives in the country – and they are, as we know, the backbone of the nation.  The poor b*stard…he doesn’t have a clue what he’s let himself in for.”

Kay, 35, is the presenter of ITV’s Family Fortunes, and shocked the nation this week when he hit the headlines for sending explicit text messages to five page 3 models, leaving his celebrity, ex-model wife to pick up the pieces, claimining a “lack of trust”.

Terry, meanwhie, had originally planned to fly out to Dubai this weekend to spend more time with his wife, Toni and his two children, but changed his plans after it became clear that public opinion had turned forcibly against Kay following this week’s tabloid revelations.

“The timing couldn’t have been better,” said Terry’s agent last night. “John isn’t sure if Vernon meant for this to come out when it did, but either way, it seems to have taken some off the heat off him quite a bit.  He’s been trying to get in touch with Vernon all week to sort something out – after all it’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday, and he’s pretty sure that after the week he’s had, Vernon will be free.”

A family friend of Kay confirmed that he will be spending the weekend with the former England captain, and that they would: “go out for a few beers, chat about what it’s like to be reviled by an entire nation, and compare notes on their liasons with models.  It’s an important step in the process of rebuilding themselves as fine, upstanding members of society.”

Ugly, charmless footballer in sex scandal shock

In Lifestyle, Sport on February 1, 2010 at 08:52


The world of football has been rocked by weekend allegations that a completely charmless, ugly footballer has been embroiled in a sex scandal involving a highly attractive model.

John Terry, 29, has faced extensive media coverage about his alleged relationship with swimwear model Vanessa Perroncel, who at the time of the affair was seeing Wayne Bridge’s former Chelsea team-mate.

Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelloti said: “When I first heard the news I was surprised. Not because it broke the sacred bond between players in the dressing room, or because it diminishes the respect I have for Terry in any way.

“No, I was shocked because this Perroncel bird is well fit. I mean, have you seen her? John Terry might be England captain, but he’s not exactly an oil painting, is he?”

Chelsea fan Brian Swanson, 41, from Chiswick agrees: “Let’s be clear about this. John Terry is very good at football, but he’s about as charming as the prospect of contracting venereal disease.

“He’s already married with kids, so you’d have thought that as a man of fairly limited appeal, he’d be happy some poor girl has taken pity on him and leave it at that. How he’s managed to snare a swimwear model is beyond me – fair play to him.”

Pundits are already speculating as to whether Terry can use his mysterious talents to England’s benefit in this summer’s World Cup finals. BBC analyst Mark Lawrenson said:

“I can only assume that Terry manages to get these women by somehow shape-shifting into George Clooney or Brad Pitt, before seducing them. It’s the only explanation. Picture the scene: It’s England v Brazil in the World Cup Quarter-Final and the score is 0-0 in injury time with all to play for.

“Suddenly Kaka bursts through on the England defence – he only has John Terry to beat before he has the simple task of beating whichever hapless goalkeeper England happen to have between the sticks. Does Terry decide to lunge in and risk a red card for a professional foul? Or does he simply use his shape-shifting power to morph into a silver-tongued lothario, distracting Kaka from his shot by gyrating his hips suggestively?

“I think this could be Capello’s secret weapon,” concluded Lawrenson.