authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Nation vows never to eat turkey again

In Culture, News on December 27, 2009 at 11:19


The entire nation has vowed never to so much as go near any turkey ever again according to reports. The sudden move follows three days of  sustained binge eating of the bird in a variety of different ways over the festive period, and comes in the wake of a sustained bout of stomach cramps, pains and aches brought about by stuffing it into people’s every orifice as quickly as humanly possible.

Angela Wilkinson and her husband Ken, from Stoke-on-Trent are one such couple who have been forcing turkey down their necks in recent days.

“On Christmas Day, Angela cooked up a lovely meal for us, and the rest of the family – we had seven of us over in total, so we got a larger turkey than usual,” Ken explains.

“Although, if I’m completely honest, all this really meant was that was we had more left over. I’ve had turkey in every single meal since Christmas lunch, and if I so much as see another piece, I swear, I’ll go completely f*****g postal.”

“It’s true,” says Angela. “We had so much leftover turkey that I had to start slipping it in with Ken’s Corn Flakes in the morning so that I could use it all up. We’ve had turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey surprise – that’s turkey with extra turkey – and my favourite, turkey trifle. We’ve still got half a turkey left – what are we going to do?”

The Wilkinsons are far from alone with their dilemma, as a recent survey showed that by the 27th December every year, almost 92% of all Britons would rather hack off their limbs with a rusty spoon than take another mouthful of turkey.

Even senior politicians are not immune to the effects of too much turkey, as Michael Heseltine recalls: “I remember one year in the late 1980s after too much turkey and quite a lot of gin, we had to physically restrain Mrs. Thatcher from giving the order to declare war on Turkey – in fairness, there had been a bit of a misunderstanding.”

To combat the escalating turkey issue, the government have proposed widespread boycotting of the Christmas meal in 2010, unveiling their campaign yesterday under the slogan: ‘Why not have a pizza instead?’

Turkey magnate Bernard Matthews, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment,  as most people seem have assumed that he died after he stopped doing the ads for frozen turkey burgers on the telly, so we didn’t bother.


Britain preparing to use snow as excuse for not buying enough presents

In News on December 23, 2009 at 13:08

The entire population of the UK was said last night to be preparing to use the recent cold snap as an excuse for not having bought enough Christmas presents for friends and family. Temperatures have plummeted to as low as -10C in parts of the country, with between 5cm and 10cm of snow predicted to fall in eastern Scotland over the next few days, causing havoc on the roads, and disrupting many Christmas deliveries in the process.

A Royal Mail statement assured customers that they are doing “everything possible” to ensure that deliveries arrive on time, but added that they would “like to take issue with the number of people who are already trying to blame us for their own laziness when it’s clear that they simply can’t be arsed getting up off the sofa and buying gifts.”

The perfect crime

However, Daniel Swanson, 21, an Estate Agent from Gateshead gave his own view on the situation: “All this snow is great, isn’t it?” he commented. “Basically, all I’ve done this year is buy a couple of loo rolls, wrapped them up, and put them under the tree, and told the family that the rest is on order from Amazon, and that it must have been delayed by the snow.

“As the days have gone on, and it’s got increasingly snowy, I’ve done a great job of looking increasingly agitated and exasperated about the whole thing. The other day, I even pretended to phone Amazon up and give them a b*llocking in full view of my family. I think they bought it – this lovely snowy weather has saved me an absolute fortune on Christmas shopping this year.”

However, not everyone has been so fortunate. Jennifer Stevens, 34, from South London, was one of the thousands who had been depending on the snow to relieve the strains of her festive bank balance.

“The problem is,” she explains, “That here in London, we’ve hardly had any snow compared to the rest of the country. If anything, it’s just been a bit icy. Although that’s not ideal for the transportation of Christmas parcels, it’s hardly realistic to expect that it was responsible for delaying all of my deliveries by about ten days, is it?

“I think I’m going to have to face the music on this one, and admit that I was too busy sitting on the sofa, watching Jeremy Kyle to actually go out and get anybody anything. This could be uncomfortable.”

Prime Minister ‘just getting round’ to writing Christmas cards, condolence letters

In News, Politics on December 3, 2009 at 12:45

Gordon Brown has taken time out of his busy schedule to emphasise how demanding the festive season is proving for him, confirming that he is “only just now getting round to writing Christmas cards and those bloody condolence letters.”

Although many see the Christmas period as a time to wind down and get into the party spirit, the Prime Minister was keen to stress that, if anything, the opposite was true for him.

With deepest....oh screw this, Top Gear's on.

“This time of the year is absolute chuffing murder,” he said in an interview with the BBC this morning. “As if it isn’t difficult enough trying to run the country, I’ve got Sarah whinging at me to write the Christmas cards, then all these poxy letters of condolence to loved ones who have lost somebody in Afghanistan.

“I really don’t like writing them, truth be told,” continued Mr. Brown, before going on to reveal his technique for crafting such letters. “Usually, I try to put them off for as long as possible – typically until after Top Gear on a Sunday night – and then I get a huge pile, and I write them as quickly as I can.

“Of course, that probably explains the multitude of spelling mistakes and the barely legible handwriting. But then again, when you’re trying to feign sincerity like me, who honestly gives a crap?”

Further evidence of the Prime Minister’s approach to condolence letters came with this week’s revelation that a widow of one soldier serving in Afghanistan received a Christmas card from Downing Street bearing the slogan:

‘Dear David and family. Have a great Xmas – hope you and your Tory boys eat sh*t and die in the New Year. Love and hugs, Gordon & Sarah. xxx’

“Obviously, this must have been very upsetting for the poor recipient of the card, and it was a dreadful mix-up – particularly as her dead husband’s name was David,” countered Mr. Brown this morning.

“However, I would like to refute any allegation that this card was intended for David Cameron, and once again emphasise how very, very difficult it is for me to get anything right whatsoever in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Okay?”

Mad Japanese bastards celebrate underwater Christmas in November for some reason

In World News on November 16, 2009 at 22:11

What the hell...?!?

A Japanese aquarium has decided, for reasons best known to itself, to hold an underwater Christmas party smack bang in the middle of November.  The Yokohama Kakkeijima Sea Paradise, on the outskirts of Tokyo, decided to ruin everyone’s fun by refusing to do the sensible thing and wait just a few more weeks until everybody was well and truly into the festive spirit, sending an employee dressed rather implausibly as Santa Claus into a tank to feed a Beluga whale sardines while a selection of garish Christmas songs blared out in the background.

Hank Douglas, his wife Wilma and their children Petey and Glenda, tourits visiting from Ohio, were amongst those to witness the atrocity, which took place at around 12pm local time.

“Well, we’d just been having a swell time up until that point in our trip,” said Hank, “and thought that the Sea Paradise would be a mighty fine place to see the whales and the dolphins and the otters and what-not that they have native to this here Japanese region.  All of a sudden, before we knew it, there’s a crazy man in a Santa suit being lowered into a tank to the strains of Noddy Holder yelling ‘Iiiiiiiit’s Chriiiiiiiiiiiisttmmmaaaaaaas!!!!’ With a whale!  We didn’t know what to think.”

Hank’s wife Betty agreed, confirming that the family were left momentarily stunned and disorientated.  “We literally didn’t know what was happening.  We were left looking at each other.  Was it Christmas here in Japan?  Had we slipped into a state of unconsciousness for a month and missed the flight home?  Were we all supposed to jump into the tank too? It was just so upsetting.”

The Douglas’s children, meanwhile, were far too traumatised to give an interview, and simply kept repeating through their tears: “Make the music stop…there’s no place for Santa suits in November.”

Dr. Donald Price, Professor of Psychology at the University of Manchester was keen to stress that this sort of behaviour is typical of Japan and everyone who lives there.  “Oh, sure,” he said, “those Japanese are all mad bastards.  They’ll do anything to try and get a bit of attention.  Naked polo, strapping lit fireworks to their genitals…you name it really.  Completely f*****g batsh*t, the lot of them.”

It has subsequently been confirmed that at the end of the show, even more sardines were released from the bottom of the tank and swam upwards in a cone formation to form a Christmas tree shape.

“Sick,” said Dr. Price.  “Sick and so very wrong.”

Government moves Christmas to next Wednesday to end the pain of it all

In Culture, News, Politics on November 4, 2009 at 09:23

Christmas: next Wednesday

The government has announced that it is bringing Christmas forward to next week as a reactionary measure against television adverts, radio DJs and shopping centres who insist on trying to get everyone ‘into the Christmas spirit’ in early November. The new date for Christmas, announced this morning by Home Secretary Alan Johnson will be next Wednesday, 11th November.

“I hope this teaches these people a valuable lesson,” Johnson said. “If they really want Christmas in November, then let’s give it to them. We’ll have New Year the week after that (on the 18th November) and when the rest of the world is tucking into their Christmas lunch and ringing in the new year at the end of December – that’s almost two months away, by the way – we’ll all be at work. Sound good? Fine, let’s do it.”

The radical new government initiative is not thought to be one that will be popular with voters, although many are said to be sympathetic to the motives behind the move.

Joe Delaney, 24, from Barking said: “Christmas?!? In November?!? Are you having a laugh, mate? Mind you, if I hear ‘All I want for bleedin’ Christmas’ on the radio on more time this week I think I’ll scream. Aaaaaaargh!”

Meanwhile, Katie Stack, 28, from High Wycombe, offered: “My husband and I got so confused with all the Christmas ads on the telly that we immediately went out and bought an AK-47 assault rifle. We don’t even know why. That’s how confused we are with everything that’s been happening.”

Sofa chain DFS, who kicked off the ridiculous speight of Christmas television advertising with a run of festive based ads in October, have reacted angrily to the government’s plans, stating: “Do they honestly think this is going to make any difference at all?  They can move Christmas to the middle of July if they like, and we’ll still churn out ads like they are going out of fashion.  Nothing can stop our relentless campaign to hawk ridiculously expensive sofas as though they are somehow a bit of a bargain in an offensively chipper and up-beat way!  Nothing!”

The government has refused to comment on media speculation that it is considering cancelling St. Valentine’s Day, postponing Easter and ‘having a long hard think’ about Father’s Day in 2010 owing to rampant commercialism.  “Why can’t everybody just calm down?” Johnson concluded. “Together we’ll get through next Wednesday, Christmas will be over, and we can all get back to being miserable together as usual.”