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Posts Tagged ‘Cricket’

England captain Collingwood apologises for Twenty20 final victory

In Sport on May 17, 2010 at 07:14

England's captain comiserates with the rest of the players after victory over Australia

England captain Paul Collingwood has apologised to the British public for victory in yesterday’s World Twenty20 final against Australia.

Collingwood himself hit the winning runs with three overs to spare in the Caribbean to give England their first ever world cricket title, but said:

“I’d just like to apologise to all the supporters who came all this way, and to everyone watching at home. We really did everything we could to throw this game away, like we normally do, but in the end we were just too good for Australia.

“The point is that is wasn’t just our batsmen who were inexplicably good, but our bowlers too – and not just today, but throughout the entire tournament.  And for that, I apologise.”

Craig Kievswetter and Kevin Pietersen were the most disappointed in the England dressing room after the final, having staged a second-wicket partnership of 111 to steer England to victory.

“I’m not sure how it happened,” said Pietersen. “We were both out there, slashing wildly at everything, not really talking to each other and taking outrageous risks as usual, but for some reason, it was just really, really difficult to get out today.”

To confound his misery, Pietersen was named man of the tournament after scoring 248 runs in total.

“Look, I’m as embarassed as anyone about this, alright?” was all he would say after sheepishly receiving the award.

England cricket expert Geoffrey Boycott said he thought the England team should be ashamed of their performance:

“There are hundreds of thousands of England cricket fans in this country who have been brought up with an expectation of disappointment when it comes to these tournaments,” he said.

“How do they expect them to feel now that they’ve actually gone and won something? I’m not sure, but uncertain, confused and a little bit angry should just about cover it.”

“I suppose that we’ve now just got to try and pick ourselves up after this unexpected and disapponting tournament success,” Collingwood concluded.

“All we can do is try our hardest to lose the majority of games remaining this year, which should put us in an excellent position to get thrashed in the Ashes this winter.”

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Normal Service Resumed as Nation Barely Acknowledges Existence of England Cricket Team

In Sport on August 30, 2009 at 22:35

Just a week after the England cricket team held off Australia to valiantly clinch this summer’s closely-fought Ashes series 2-1, the nation has once more resumed a state of blind apathy when it comes to the fortunes of its national cricket team, it was reported today.

It is now a mere seven days after England’s emotionally-charged victory at The Oval saw normal, reasonable individuals turned

England players celebrate the fact that somebody, fleetingly, cares about them

England players celebrate the fact that somebody, fleetingly, cares about them

into brainless, simpering idiots, nervously glued to their televisions or radios in expectation of the outcome of the match.  However. a poll taken out this week suggested that public interest in Sunday’s England v Australia 20/20 games was marginally lower than that of the saturated fat content on a packet of Cheese & Onion flavour Walker’s crisps.

Asked to explain the drop in the level of interest, one fan outside the cricket ground commented:

“Oh – this is Old Trafford, isn’t it?  I was looking for the football ground.  They’ve both got the same name, haven’t they?  I think I’ve come to the wrong place.”

Experts, meanwhile, predict that they don’t really know, or care for that matter, and will only be in a position to comment when it becomes fashionable to follow England at cricket again, and that probably won’t be at least until the football season is over…but even then, the World Cup is on, and they don’t fancy your chances.