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Posts Tagged ‘Government’

Government to explain plans for digital radio switchover as though British public were retarded or something

In Technology on March 29, 2010 at 10:35

The government has announced that it will offer a full and detailed explanation of its plans to switch over all analogue radio stations to digital by speaking to the British public in the same manner as it would to a serially retarded three year-old.

The announcement, designed to finally make the penny drop amongst  dim-witted Britons everywhere, follows the news that the Communications Committee of the House of Lords have found that there was considerable  “public confusion and industry uncertainty” over the switchover, causing people to buy analogue radios which will be out of date in a few years’ time.

"I can't seem to pick up 6Music...."

A government spokesperson said: “Between 50 and 100 million analogue radios will become largely redundant after 2015 and around 20 million car radios will need converters to fall in line with the change.

“Unfortunately, the British public are so fundamentally unable to grasp the simple concept of not buying a piece of technology that will be effectively be rendered completely obsolete within five years, that we’re going to have to sit down with each and every one of them and explain what’s going on as if they were a infant with severe learning difficulties. It’s going to take ages.”

Alan Ford, 42, from Sutton Coalfield, said: “I heard on the news that there was something I had to do with my wireless, but I wasn’t sure what it was.  To be sure, I went out and got another three of the things as back-ups to my existing one.  One of them doesn’t even have a Gramophone in it.  Can you believe it?  A wireless with no Gramophone!  Whatever next?”

Minister for Digital Britain Stephen Timms confirmed that he will be looking to announce new measures to help educate the British public.

“Let’s face it, everyone in Britain is very, very stupid,” said Timms at a press conference this morning, “and so to get through to them, we will be coming round to everyone’s house with some crayons and colouring books, and perhaps a clown too, to keep them entertained.

“After all, they’ll need something to stop them from crying after we hold them up against a wall and threaten them with extreme physical pain if we find out that they’ve bought another sodding non-digital radio. I fully expect that this approach will clear up any ‘confusion’.”


“Naked Fridays to change the way we approach our work,” says government

In News on February 5, 2010 at 09:06

Today sees the launch of a controversial new initiative aimed at restoring flagging morale in offices hit by redundancies, which the government says will “change the way we approach our work.”

Naked Fridays is the first of a series of new compulsory measures brought introduced to tackle the effects of the recession in the workplace, and makes it mandatory for all workers to work at least one Friday in the calendar month without their clothes on in an office environment.

Steve Parker, 34, from Weybridge seemed uncertain as to the benefits of the initiative after he made his naked commute in to the office this morning:

"Fancy an apple?"

“The government are right when they say Naked Fridays impact upon our approach to work,” he said. “With some of the looks I was getting on the train earlier, I had to use the office’s rear entrance to avoid being seen by anyone I knew.”

Home Secretary Alan Johnson, speaking from Westminster without any clothes on, welcomed the move, claiming that Naked Fridays: “strike a blow for the average man in the fight against tough economical conditions.”

He did, however, warn that a mature attitude was required if Naked Fridays was to be a success. “I know that when we tested the scheme earlier this year there was a lot of childish giggling.  Well, all I’ll say about that is that people need to grow up, get into the spirit of this thing, and stop pointing at each other’s bits and laughing.  We’ve all got them.”

Naked Friday is the first of a number of government schemes currently being trialled in offices nationwide, including Bring Your Crack Dealer to Work Wednesday and Fill the Office with Brightly Coloured Plastic Balls Monday.

“All of these schemes are aimed at putting a smile on the face of the British office worker, who has had to endure a torrid year of salary cuts, redundancies and cutbacks,” said a government spokesperson.

“After all, what’s wrong with everybody bringing their crack dealer into the communal workplace to swap crack ideas, sell their wares and generally discuss the latest developments in the crack industry?  Nothing, that’s what.”

It will take a good deal more, it seems, before office workers like Steve Parker are convinced.  “I’m all for improving morale in the workplace,” he said, “but couldn’t they have introuduced Naked Fridays in the summer instead?  It’s freezing outside and snow is forecast next week. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”

Government to get massive bonus from banks, says Darling

In Finance, Politics on December 9, 2009 at 09:13


The government will be the latest to benefit from the recent trend of substantial bonuses for bankers when the chancellor announces new measures today outlining a new ‘non-banker bonus’ for government workers.

The bonus will be awarded in the form of a tax on banks with ‘excessive bonus pools’ and will see government officials and civil servants  rewarded for their hard work in bailing out ailing financial institutions in the form of a big, fat meaty cheque.

“At first, we thought about using this money and pumping it back into our failing economy,” said chancellor Alistair Darling. “But then we laughed at the idea, called it ridiculous and decided that, to be honest, we’d had enough of working our nuts off bailing out the likes of Northern Rock and it was time we got some payback.”

Although it is understood that the bonus or ‘tax’ – set to be announced ahead of the chancellor’s Pre-Budget Report today – will be a one-off arrangement, Mr. Darling winked at reporters, nodded and smiled, saying, “You never know! It’s an awful lot of cash, but I bet I can blow the lot on cheap booze before Christmas.”

Asked what he would be spending his bonus on, George Ashby, 27, a civil servant from Pimlico said: “A yacht! Two yachts! As many drugs as I can get my hands on! WAHEY!”

Bernard St. Ledger, Chairman of HSBC, said: “We think this  tax is absolutely preposterous.  Bonuses are meant as a fair reflection of the work our employees put in over a calendar year, and we don’t think it’s right that some government pen-pushers come in and nick all of our hard-earned cash.

“Our people are highly talented and they’re in global demand. They deserve their fois gras, their Ferraris and their small South Pacific islands.  People in government deserve nothing more than a sharp slap in the face.”

Mr. Darling denied that this morning’s announcement was designed to line his own pockets and those of his fellow government workers, arguing that he was attempting to force a permanent shift in the culture of the City, with the ultimate aim of a creating a Utopian society where a state of free love exists amongst all men.

“Imagine there’s no heaven,” said the chancellor last night, “it’s easy if you try,” before continuing to outline how much better off we would be with no pain, hunger or possessions.

“You may say I’m a dreamer,” Mr. Darling continued, “but I’m not the only one.  I hope one day you will join us.  And the world will be as one.  Does anyone fancy a pint?”

Government moves Christmas to next Wednesday to end the pain of it all

In Culture, News, Politics on November 4, 2009 at 09:23

Christmas: next Wednesday

The government has announced that it is bringing Christmas forward to next week as a reactionary measure against television adverts, radio DJs and shopping centres who insist on trying to get everyone ‘into the Christmas spirit’ in early November. The new date for Christmas, announced this morning by Home Secretary Alan Johnson will be next Wednesday, 11th November.

“I hope this teaches these people a valuable lesson,” Johnson said. “If they really want Christmas in November, then let’s give it to them. We’ll have New Year the week after that (on the 18th November) and when the rest of the world is tucking into their Christmas lunch and ringing in the new year at the end of December – that’s almost two months away, by the way – we’ll all be at work. Sound good? Fine, let’s do it.”

The radical new government initiative is not thought to be one that will be popular with voters, although many are said to be sympathetic to the motives behind the move.

Joe Delaney, 24, from Barking said: “Christmas?!? In November?!? Are you having a laugh, mate? Mind you, if I hear ‘All I want for bleedin’ Christmas’ on the radio on more time this week I think I’ll scream. Aaaaaaargh!”

Meanwhile, Katie Stack, 28, from High Wycombe, offered: “My husband and I got so confused with all the Christmas ads on the telly that we immediately went out and bought an AK-47 assault rifle. We don’t even know why. That’s how confused we are with everything that’s been happening.”

Sofa chain DFS, who kicked off the ridiculous speight of Christmas television advertising with a run of festive based ads in October, have reacted angrily to the government’s plans, stating: “Do they honestly think this is going to make any difference at all?  They can move Christmas to the middle of July if they like, and we’ll still churn out ads like they are going out of fashion.  Nothing can stop our relentless campaign to hawk ridiculously expensive sofas as though they are somehow a bit of a bargain in an offensively chipper and up-beat way!  Nothing!”

The government has refused to comment on media speculation that it is considering cancelling St. Valentine’s Day, postponing Easter and ‘having a long hard think’ about Father’s Day in 2010 owing to rampant commercialism.  “Why can’t everybody just calm down?” Johnson concluded. “Together we’ll get through next Wednesday, Christmas will be over, and we can all get back to being miserable together as usual.”

Government to build giant extension to the UK to house increased population

In News on October 22, 2009 at 08:21

The government has applied to the European Union for an extension to its existing land mass as it bids to find a solution to housing an escalating population.  The extension, which is still at the design stage according to sources, will resemble either a giant shed or conservatory, capable of housing an additional 3 million people.

The news comes in the same as figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) have shown that the population of the UK is set to increase at its fastest rate in at least a century.

What the government's designs for the extension probably look like

What the government's designs for the extension probably look like

“In just 24 years the UK’s population will increase by 10 million and hit 70 million in 2029,” said an ONS spokesperson. “Luckily, 70% of that figure is made up of Polish builders and workmen, so as long as they get approval for this thing, it should be ready by this time next year.”

Home secretary Alan Johnson refused to comment on the plans for an extension but did concede that it was important to find a solution to Britain’s overcrowding problem. “It’s similar to the problem faced in our prisons, when you look at it; Britain is small, confined, unpleasant, nobody particularly wants to be here and we all have to put up with random acts of violence.

“A typical British street,” Johnson continued, “contains rows and rows of houses all filled to bursting with people, with their faces pressed up against the windows.  There’s so much congestion on the streets outside, meanwhile, that there’s no point in anybody driving anymore, as all the roads are filled with people walking as the pavements aren’t big enough to handle the sheer numbers.  If it continues at this rate, we’re going to have to allocate everyone a specific time of day they are allowed out to go and do things in order to ease the congestion.”

The extension is said to reach in between Blackpool and Northern Ireland and will be constructed at “minimum cost to the tax payer…with the exception of a massive 30% tax hike,” according to a government source.  Although relocation to the artifical land mass, known as ‘New Warsaw’ will be voluntary, it is thought that cattle prods will be employed to make the prospect more appealing for families considering the move.

A European Union spokesperson spat out his coffee upon being told of the news.

NHS Told to Axe 10% of Patients in Order to Cut Costs

In Public Sector on September 3, 2009 at 08:19

The government has moved swiftly and decisively this morning to instruct NHS hospitals nationwide to dispose of 10% of their patients by the end of the week, in the face of a crisis over costs.

A leaked memo from Secretary of State for Health Andy Burnham, has informed hospitals that patients have become ‘an unnecessary drain on NHS resources.’ The memo continued that they ‘should begin systematically removing patients from hospitals as soon as possible, possibly by loading them all onto a big truck in the middle of the night and ditching them in a big smelly hole.’

A chilling vision of things to come under Burnham's new vision for the NHS

A chilling vision of things to come under Burnham's new vision for the NHS

Burnham refused to be drawn on the leaked memo, stating: “It’s difficult to say whether or not whether we are planning to drop a large number of NHS patients in a big, dirty hole. There are so many options available: high-impact explosives, the use of ninjas and voodoo magic to name but a few. Tell you what though – we’ll get far fewer hypochondriacs and time-wasters now, won’t we?”

Under the proposed plan, patients at each hospital will be entered into a lottery-style prize draw each month where the names of the unfortunate few will be pulled out, offered a nice dinner, then told that their number is up.

An NHS patients’ representative was far too appalled to comment.