The government has announced that it will offer a full and detailed explanation of its plans to switch over all analogue radio stations to digital by speaking to the British public in the same manner as it would to a serially retarded three year-old.
The announcement, designed to finally make the penny drop amongst dim-witted Britons everywhere, follows the news that the Communications Committee of the House of Lords have found that there was considerable “public confusion and industry uncertainty” over the switchover, causing people to buy analogue radios which will be out of date in a few years’ time.
A government spokesperson said: “Between 50 and 100 million analogue radios will become largely redundant after 2015 and around 20 million car radios will need converters to fall in line with the change.
“Unfortunately, the British public are so fundamentally unable to grasp the simple concept of not buying a piece of technology that will be effectively be rendered completely obsolete within five years, that we’re going to have to sit down with each and every one of them and explain what’s going on as if they were a infant with severe learning difficulties. It’s going to take ages.”
Alan Ford, 42, from Sutton Coalfield, said: “I heard on the news that there was something I had to do with my wireless, but I wasn’t sure what it was. To be sure, I went out and got another three of the things as back-ups to my existing one. One of them doesn’t even have a Gramophone in it. Can you believe it? A wireless with no Gramophone! Whatever next?”
Minister for Digital Britain Stephen Timms confirmed that he will be looking to announce new measures to help educate the British public.
“Let’s face it, everyone in Britain is very, very stupid,” said Timms at a press conference this morning, “and so to get through to them, we will be coming round to everyone’s house with some crayons and colouring books, and perhaps a clown too, to keep them entertained.
“After all, they’ll need something to stop them from crying after we hold them up against a wall and threaten them with extreme physical pain if we find out that they’ve bought another sodding non-digital radio. I fully expect that this approach will clear up any ‘confusion’.”