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Posts Tagged ‘NHS’

New NHS checklist means surgeons can double check who they kill

In News, Public Sector on February 2, 2010 at 09:10

A new safety checklist has been introduced for all NHS hospitals, with the aim of ensuring that doctors and surgeons are killing all the right patients.

Use of the checklist, devised by the World Health Organisation (WHO) is compulsory and surgeons will now have to double check their patient’s identity, diagnosis and proposed treatment, before butchering them in much the same manner as before.

According to the NHS National Patient Safety Agency, in 2007 there were 129,000 reported surgical errors, which resulted in severe harm to more than 1,000 patients and the deaths of 271.

"Er, Bob.....is it supposed to be doing that?"

“I think this is a great idea,” said leading neurosurgeon William Stack, 52, from Huddersfield. “Before, I just used to wander into the operating theatre and start drilling away at the first person I saw. We went through a lot of nurses that way, I seem to recall.

“But now, not only do I have to check if I’ve got the right patient, I also have to check what I’m doing to them. It’s great! Never again will I face the embarassment of amputating somebody’s leg when they came in for brain surgery.”

The new safety protocol has been inspired by the pre-flight checks routine in the airline industry, leading to calls from some that they could render operations unsafe.

“My husband went in for a relatively minor operation on his back, and was surprised at how similar it was to the in-flight experience,” said Marjorie Lelland, 63, from Dorset.

“They woke him up once during the procedure to offer a hot towel, twice to offer a selection of drinks and a bag of peanuts, and then again just before the end to ask him to put the operating table upright. He also said the film was rubbish.”

Home Secretary Alan Johnson said: “This checklist is a giant step in ensuring that the right people are killed or, at the very least, severely maimed, by the NHS, which is, after all the most important thing.  I mean, what if somebody vaguely important that somebody had actually heard of had to use the NHS in an emergency and ended up being killed or maimed by accident?

“That would never do.  No, it’s important to prioritise these things.”

Obese patients to be denied access to pies, cakes

In News, Public Sector on January 22, 2010 at 09:12

None of this for you, fatty

Severely obese patients looking for specialist surgery to reduce the size of their stomachs will be denied access to pies and cakes under radical new NHS guidelines, proposed yesterday.

The Royal College of Surgeons says patients face the risk of having to lose weight through the non-consumption of pastries, kebabs and cheesecakes before the NHS in some parts of the country will agree to reduce the size of their stomachs.

“Research has shown that, believe it or not, patients who suffer from obesity are unlikely to make the situation any better by lying in their hospital bed stuffing their face with a large bucket of fried chicken,” said leading surgeon Ruth Singleton.

“If anything, in fact, we’ve found that the opposite is true, so we’ve decided to outlaw all fatty foods from our wards from now on, particularly for those having this operation.  It’s for their own good.”

Brian Dawes, spokesperson for the British Obese People’s Society (BOPS) has labelled the restrictions as “unfair and unethical”.

“These restrictions are unfair and unethical,” he said. “Say what you like about the NHS, but you always knew they’d sort you out with a good take-away.

“Similarly, whenever I went in to get my stomach pinned I knew I could always be guaranteed a lovely cake after the operation. Not anymore, it seems. It’s political correctness gone mad.”

Patients lose 70% of their excess weight within 18 months of the specialised stomach surgery, which is known to cure almost all cases of diabetes.  Although the operation costs £10,000, the bill for treating medical complications of obesity are so high that surgery pays for itself within three years.

“Sure, it’s an extremely popular operation amongst the morbidly obese,” Singleton confirmed.  “Around 240,000 severely obese patients want the operation, and it’s easy to see why.  Many people wonder why the operation costs so much, and the simple reason is that historically it has helped pay for the abundance of pies and trifles for our patients while they are waiting for operations.

“As a result of this new proposed scheme to remove fatty foods from our wards, the cost of the operation could come down to as little as 75p.  That includes the cost of an anaesthetic and a sticky plaster.  Everyone’s a winner!”

NHS Told to Axe 10% of Patients in Order to Cut Costs

In Public Sector on September 3, 2009 at 08:19

The government has moved swiftly and decisively this morning to instruct NHS hospitals nationwide to dispose of 10% of their patients by the end of the week, in the face of a crisis over costs.

A leaked memo from Secretary of State for Health Andy Burnham, has informed hospitals that patients have become ‘an unnecessary drain on NHS resources.’ The memo continued that they ‘should begin systematically removing patients from hospitals as soon as possible, possibly by loading them all onto a big truck in the middle of the night and ditching them in a big smelly hole.’

A chilling vision of things to come under Burnham's new vision for the NHS

A chilling vision of things to come under Burnham's new vision for the NHS

Burnham refused to be drawn on the leaked memo, stating: “It’s difficult to say whether or not whether we are planning to drop a large number of NHS patients in a big, dirty hole. There are so many options available: high-impact explosives, the use of ninjas and voodoo magic to name but a few. Tell you what though – we’ll get far fewer hypochondriacs and time-wasters now, won’t we?”

Under the proposed plan, patients at each hospital will be entered into a lottery-style prize draw each month where the names of the unfortunate few will be pulled out, offered a nice dinner, then told that their number is up.

An NHS patients’ representative was far too appalled to comment.