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Posts Tagged ‘obesity’

Obese patients to be denied access to pies, cakes

In News, Public Sector on January 22, 2010 at 09:12

None of this for you, fatty

Severely obese patients looking for specialist surgery to reduce the size of their stomachs will be denied access to pies and cakes under radical new NHS guidelines, proposed yesterday.

The Royal College of Surgeons says patients face the risk of having to lose weight through the non-consumption of pastries, kebabs and cheesecakes before the NHS in some parts of the country will agree to reduce the size of their stomachs.

“Research has shown that, believe it or not, patients who suffer from obesity are unlikely to make the situation any better by lying in their hospital bed stuffing their face with a large bucket of fried chicken,” said leading surgeon Ruth Singleton.

“If anything, in fact, we’ve found that the opposite is true, so we’ve decided to outlaw all fatty foods from our wards from now on, particularly for those having this operation.  It’s for their own good.”

Brian Dawes, spokesperson for the British Obese People’s Society (BOPS) has labelled the restrictions as “unfair and unethical”.

“These restrictions are unfair and unethical,” he said. “Say what you like about the NHS, but you always knew they’d sort you out with a good take-away.

“Similarly, whenever I went in to get my stomach pinned I knew I could always be guaranteed a lovely cake after the operation. Not anymore, it seems. It’s political correctness gone mad.”

Patients lose 70% of their excess weight within 18 months of the specialised stomach surgery, which is known to cure almost all cases of diabetes.  Although the operation costs £10,000, the bill for treating medical complications of obesity are so high that surgery pays for itself within three years.

“Sure, it’s an extremely popular operation amongst the morbidly obese,” Singleton confirmed.  “Around 240,000 severely obese patients want the operation, and it’s easy to see why.  Many people wonder why the operation costs so much, and the simple reason is that historically it has helped pay for the abundance of pies and trifles for our patients while they are waiting for operations.

“As a result of this new proposed scheme to remove fatty foods from our wards, the cost of the operation could come down to as little as 75p.  That includes the cost of an anaesthetic and a sticky plaster.  Everyone’s a winner!”


Working mothers blamed for global warming

In Science on October 8, 2009 at 08:04
A planet-trashing working mother

A planet-trashing working mother

The rise in the number of working mothers is one of the principle causes of global warming, a new study suggests.

The Centre for Child Wellbeing surveyed fifteen working mothers in Croydon, South London, and found they were less likely than stay-at-home mothers to recycle, more likely to make multiple car journeys and also more likely to vainly and selfishly use environment-harming products such as lipstick and hairspray.

Other experts said there was more work to be done before a firm link could be found between working mothers and climate change, for example more attention needed to be paid to levels of lipstick and hairspray use.

The study also asked the mothers about their children’s habits. It revealed that 100% of working mums put their kids in front of the TV for up to ten hours every day, allowing them to burn hundreds of tonnes of fossil fuels in electricity, while dinner was usually a burger, made from beef raised on land that was previously rainforest.

Said Megan Mallaghy of the Centre for Child Wellbeing: “We’re not trying to attack working mothers or discourage them from working, but our research clearly shows that they are one of the major reasons for climate change. When their kids aren’t in front of their TVs in their rubbish-strewn rooms, they’re on the internet looking at happy slapping videos, consuming resources that normal families could be using to play charades around the aga. On top of that these mothers are driving their enormous cars everyday to their pointless marketing jobs.”

Experts on climate change appeared to welcome the findings. Said Jonathan Primrose of the Institute for Climate change: “The principal engines of global warming are the burning of fossil fuels and the disappearance of the rainforests. We’re glad that the prime cause of both of these factors – working mothers – has been identified. We can now move forward to form policy that will tackle this problem.”

The same children of working mothers took part in an earlier study by the Centre for Child Wellbeing, which found they were more likely to be obese by the age of three. Nearly two thirds of the kids surveyed had learnt how to use a chip pan by the age of two, three quarters could eat a whole Iceland party platter in one sitting and 100% could balance a Macdonald’s happy meal on their stomachs.

Mallaghy said the study hadn’t taken into account working fathers because “there was no such thing.” “What, dads?” she said. “What’s that got to do with anything?”