Severely obese patients looking for specialist surgery to reduce the size of their stomachs will be denied access to pies and cakes under radical new NHS guidelines, proposed yesterday.
The Royal College of Surgeons says patients face the risk of having to lose weight through the non-consumption of pastries, kebabs and cheesecakes before the NHS in some parts of the country will agree to reduce the size of their stomachs.
“Research has shown that, believe it or not, patients who suffer from obesity are unlikely to make the situation any better by lying in their hospital bed stuffing their face with a large bucket of fried chicken,” said leading surgeon Ruth Singleton.
“If anything, in fact, we’ve found that the opposite is true, so we’ve decided to outlaw all fatty foods from our wards from now on, particularly for those having this operation. It’s for their own good.”
Brian Dawes, spokesperson for the British Obese People’s Society (BOPS) has labelled the restrictions as “unfair and unethical”.
“These restrictions are unfair and unethical,” he said. “Say what you like about the NHS, but you always knew they’d sort you out with a good take-away.
“Similarly, whenever I went in to get my stomach pinned I knew I could always be guaranteed a lovely cake after the operation. Not anymore, it seems. It’s political correctness gone mad.”
Patients lose 70% of their excess weight within 18 months of the specialised stomach surgery, which is known to cure almost all cases of diabetes. Although the operation costs £10,000, the bill for treating medical complications of obesity are so high that surgery pays for itself within three years.
“Sure, it’s an extremely popular operation amongst the morbidly obese,” Singleton confirmed. “Around 240,000 severely obese patients want the operation, and it’s easy to see why. Many people wonder why the operation costs so much, and the simple reason is that historically it has helped pay for the abundance of pies and trifles for our patients while they are waiting for operations.
“As a result of this new proposed scheme to remove fatty foods from our wards, the cost of the operation could come down to as little as 75p. That includes the cost of an anaesthetic and a sticky plaster. Everyone’s a winner!”