Children’s Secretary Ed Balls has denied that an opt-out in the way faith schools can teach a new curriculum for sex education will mean alterations to classic children’s stories.
The denial comes amidst fears that the classic tale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears will be re-told in faith schools with a strong anti-gay message, including the line: “Who’s been sleeping in OUR bed?” and it is thought by many that others will follow suit.
New laws which will require state schools to discuss contraception and gay relationships are set to be passed by the House of Commons next week. However, Balls is in favour of including an amendment which would let religious schools teach the subject in a way that is in keeping with their own prudish, gay-bashing beliefs.
“The irony is,” said the Children’s Secretary last night, “I’m trying to do them a favour here, and yet whenever I speak to them, they still insist on referring to me only as ‘Ed Private Parts’.
“What’s worse is that now I hear all these rumours about how faith schools are going to teach about the dangers of sex and homosexuality – they simply aren’t true.”
Despite Mr Balls’ claims, several faith school teachers have claimed that work is already underway to change the syllabus for next year’s students.
“We’ve got a few specialist texts in development,” said one teacher who asked to remain anonymous. “All of them teach the same message – that sex of any description is evil and wrong.
“For instance, we’ve adapted Alice in Wonderland so that now it’s about a girl called Alice who goes out with friends in a club called ‘Wonderland’. Anyway, she gets separated from them, has sex with a man in the gents’ toilets and dies from AIDS. Lesson learned.”
Other stories to be adapted include: Pinocchio: The Dangers of Getting Wood, Cinderella: The Biggest Floosy in Town and Beauty and the Beastiality.
“We were also going to do one about the dangers of Jack playing all day with his almighty beanstalk all day,” said another anonymous teacher. “Unfortunately, the board of governors stepped in and warned us that we were crossing a very thin line, which some might consider to be inappropriate, so we decided to scrap the idea.”