News Round-up

They built this city on rock and roll...and look what happened

POPULAR 80s soft rockers Starship have announced that the city they built on rock and roll has fallen into a state of disrepair. After carrying out an extensive survey of the city, the band have found that many of the city of rock and roll’s buildings have been “dangerously neglected, and could collapse at any moment.” Authorities have recommended that the city be immediately evacuated with the inhabitants relocated to on somewhere with more of a contemporary and popular theme such as R&B or Rap.

GORDON BROWN, David Cameron and Nick Clegg have all confirmed they will be willing to take part in a televised debate ahead of the next General Election. Although the exact format of the debate has yet to be finalised, it is thought that it will be hosted by Angus Deayton. If the debate is level at the end of the programme, executives are also planning a quickfire general knowledge round, followed by a missing word caption quiz as well as a ‘What Happened Next’ competition to decide the winner.

ANNOYING adverts on the television have increased by as much as 75% over the last two years, according to the simple facts of the matter, which are, let’s face it, as plain as the honking great nose on your face. Adverts with loud, repetitive, moronic jingles and with the kind of content that only an idiot would find appealing have sharply increased in this time, a fact that senior advertising executives attribute to “the astonishing amount of chavs and imbeciles in British society today.”

AN 83 YEAR-OLD pensioner has spoken publicly of his shock at the state of knife crime in Britain today. “Knife crime was much better when I was a lad,” said Eric Poole, from Preston. “I don’t know who these kids think they’re trying to kid, wandering around with their flash knives and what have you. In my day, all we had was a stanley knife to commit our knife crime, and we were lucky to have that. These youngsters don’t know they’re born.”

Boris Johnson Lined up as New James Bond After Eastenders Cameo

London Mayor Boris Johnson is being lined up by movie executives to star in the next James Bond film, according to sources closes to the Mayor’s office.  Barbara Broccoli, responsible for overseeing the popular 007 series, is said to have been so impressed with Johnson’s recent cameo on Eastenders that she not only wants the Mayor to replace Daniel Craig and play the role suave secret agent James Bond, but also to co-write the script for the film, due out in 2011.

"Johnson....Boris Johnson"

The Mayor’s office was refusing to comment on the rumours, saying only “Do you expect us to talk?” although the Mayor is known to be privately very enthusiastic about the prospect.

“Boris is very excited about the whole thing,” a close friend said yesterday, “I went round to see him, and he was dressed entirely in black, with a balaclava over his face, running around the house with a water-pistol, screaming the James Bond theme tune. It’s safe to say he’s enjoying the experience.”

Bond fans can also look forward to Johnson taking the franchise into exciting, undiscovered territory with his revolutionary ideas for the script.  “He’s already got a few ideas,” the Mayor’s anonymous friend revealed, “so far they include James Bond going back in time, becoming a pop star, getting elected as Mayor of London and having all the ice-cream it is possible for him to eat.  It’s compelling stuff.”

When asked if if his tenure as 007 had come to a premature end, after two highly successful films, Daniel Craig said: “Well, obviously Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace were both great fun to do, and did extremely well at the box office.  But sometimes you’ve got to hold your hands up and admit when a younger, better guy comes along.  Boris certainly fits that description – he’s handsome, charismatic, and keeps himself in great shape.  If anybody were to replace me in the role, I’d like to think it would be Boris.”

Ken Livingstone, meanwhile, who Johnson defeated in the 2008 Mayoral election, was quick to comment on the speculation, as soon as he had sufficiently calmed down: “James Bond??!??  JAMES BOND?!!!??? LOOK AT HIM.  I’ve heard a rumour that he’s planning to put in a villain called ‘Len Kivingstone’.  They wouldn’t even let me on bloody Eastenders….what are you people trying to do to me??”

DNA Tests on Skull Show Hitler Was Really a Woman

Adolf Hitler, circa 1933

DNA evidence taken from a skull believed to be that of Adolf Hitler has sensationally proven that the German dictator was, in fact, a woman.

An American scientist who carried out the DNA testing made the breakthrough last week after running a series of additional tests, thought to include holding a buttercup up against Hitler’s skull to see if it liked butter.

“For starters, we can confirm from our extensive tests that Hitler was a massive butter fan,” said Dr. Laurence Litmore, one of the scientists who was made privy to the full set of test results.

“More significantly, we’ve also been able to prove from this amazing discovery that Hitler was not, as previously thought, a 56 year-old man when he died. Instead, we’re pretty sure that he was a woman in his mid-30s or 40s. From this we have also been able to deduce that the little moustache he had wasn’t his own at all and that he probably bought it at a joke shop.”

The discovery is set to lend a completely new perspective to the way we view both Hitler and Nazi Germany, as historian George Fielding explains: “Whereas previously we had thought that the sight of Hitler barking out commands at a rally in Berlin was the sign of an angered dictator in the height of his power, now I’m afraid it just looks like some poor dear who is having a bit of a nag.”

This is the latest in a series of  discoveries which have led historians to dramatically revise their opinions on some of the most influential figures in history.  “We found some dinosaur remains just outside Rome a few years back, which means that Ancient Rome must have been full of the things.  We reckon they must have raced them in chariots and Julius Caesar was probably eaten by one,” explained Fielding.  “Likewise, we think there’s a very good chance that Napoleon Bonaparte was actually a horse, judging from some equine remains found near his place of death in Saint Helena.  Although, to be honest, we’re not really sure about that one.”

When asked if it was at all possible that the skull could belong to somebody other than Hitler, Dr. Litmore said: “Well, I think that’s a bit far-fetched, don’t you?”

The Sun Newspaper Controls Everything You Think and Do, Admits Editor

The Sun newspaper is slowly and carefully manipulating every single thing you think and do, until you are nothing more than a drooling vegetable, involuntarily obeying its every command, it has been confirmed this week.

In a week when The Sun dramatically withdrew its support for Gordon Brown’s Labour government, senior cabinet officials are known to be planning for life after no.10, with a source inside Downing Street confiding: “That’s it then, our number’s up.  I mean, we’ve had a good run and everything, but everyone knows that The Sun is basically a form of mind control, and without their support, we might just as well pack up and go home now.”

Don't stare directly at it

The Sun’s mystical mind-controlling prowess had been suspected by many since its inception in the 1960s when it was pretty much responsible for single-handedly launching The Beatles, free-love and for England winning the World Cup.  The newspaper had even been thought to have come clean when, after the 1992 General Election, it boastfully announced to the nation ‘IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT,’ pointing out that that they had all been duped into voting John Major into power.  However, a swift retraction soon followed, and until this week’s announcement, advocating that without the support of the newspaper, Labour had ‘LOST IT’ it had been thought that the British public had been acting on their own free will.

Editor Dominic Mohan, however, laughed off this suggestion when it was put to him in an interview yesterday.  “Free will?  Are you having a laugh?  We can make these monkeys do anything we want to.  Do you think people actually buy music by James Blunt because they like him?  Don’t be ridiculous.  A few of us in the office are trying to see if we can get hundreds of people to pour custard into the river Thames next July and then get them to swim in it wearing chicken outfits.  Why?  BECAUSE WE CAN!”

Experts say that a leading cause of The Sun‘s power over people is its tendency to type everything in large, simple type which can play an important phscological role.  Dr. Mark Steadman explains: “The propensity to use bold type, block capitals and plain, simple English appeals to a base instinct in our psyche which acts as an command or instruction that is incredibly difficult to turn down.  Well, it’s either that or the fact they put tits next to everything.”

First Clown in Space Risks Lives of Astronauts With His Clowning

Guy Laliberte, pictured in the space shuttle shortly before take-off

Canadian billionaire and self-styled ‘first clown in space’ Guy Laliberte, has reportedly made a number of ‘dangerous adjustments’ to the orbiting Soyuz space-shuttle in order to increase the effectiveness of his clowning while on board the vessel.

Laliberte, 50, founder of the extravagant Cirque de Soleil circus group is the seventh individual to pay for the experience of going up in space, but the first to insist on entertaining the other astronauts.

Although Laliberte told the BBC ahead of his journey: “I’m an artistic person and a creator. I’m not a scientific. I’m not an engineer,” NASA engineers’ array of sensors picked up the unmistakable sound of the the Soyuz craft making a loud raspberry noise before the front nose of the shuttle fell off in an exaggerated, comic fashion.

“We don’t know how he did it – despite his claims, he must have extensive engineering capabilities.” said Hank Devlin, senior technician at NASA. “It’s not even possible to get steam in space, while we also noticed a giant plastic flower on front of the craft – presumably to squirt any aliens the shuttles encounters.”  Devlin emitted a weary sigh before continuing, “The thing is, he’s wasted millions and millions of dollars of technology in the name of a cheap laugh, and God alone knows how we’re going to get them all back to Earth.  The shuttle is now practically unworkable, and they are running out of oxygen pretty fast.”

Nonetheless, Laliberte maintains that he is keeping everybody’s spirits high by going through his clowning routine.  However, speaking in a five minute communication to NASA control yester he did confirm that is wasn’t completely smooth running:

“The trouble is,” Laliberte relayed, over a haze of static, “that there isn’t a lot of room up here to move, so me and my big clown feet just tend to get in everyone’s way.  My custard pies in the face also lack the immediacy that they usualy do in normal gravity, so it does take some adapting, while even basic things like juggling are impossible.  Clowning in space certainly is a challenge.”

The space shuttle is expected to return to Earth in a fiery ball at some time in the next few days before hitting the ground with a giant SPLAT! sound.