Wurzels demand fight with Chancellor over right to cheap cider

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was said to be taking refuge inside no.11 Downing Street this afternoon after being challenged to fight by Somerset-based band The Wurzerls over the right to drink cheap cider.

Mr. Darling, who announced in yesterday’s budget that duty on cider would increase by 10% above the rate of inflation from midnight on Sunday, was said to have locked himself in a cupboard under the stairs, while the four-piece yokels hammered on his door, shouting cider-related obscenities.

The Wurzels, in happier times

“I am a cider drinker,” said Wurzels front man Pete Budd angrily, as the rest of the band gesticulated angrily outside the Chancellor’s home.  “I drinks it all of the day.  I am a cider drinker, it soothes all me troubles away. Oh arr oh arr aay.  Oh arr oh arr aay.”

“As soon as we heard about the tax on cider, we climbed on our brand new combine harvester and drove it all the way up to London,” interjected accordion player Tommy Banner.  “Who does this Darling bloke think he is?  We walked right up to no.11, knocked on the door, and challenged him to a good, old fashioned scrap.  Aaaarrrr.”

A spokesperson for the Chancellor insisted that he was “clearly not hiding from the Wurzels” and that he has always been a “big fan”, although “important matters of state that requiring urgent attention” meant that he was “regrettably unable to meet with them on this occasion”.

The statement was rendered slightly less believable by the loud, protracted sobbing noises coming from inside no.11 Downing Street, which are believed to originate from Mr. Darling.

“Come on out, you lily-livered buffoon!  We know you’re in there!” shouted drummer John Morgan, before attempting to rythmically smash the door open using two empty cider bottles.  “I’ll smash your face open by 10% above the rate of your nose!”

Band manager Bernard Heckleforth said: “All the boys want is to have a cheap pint of cider.  As Pete says, they are all cider drinkers, and so yesterday’s news came as quite a shock to everyone concerned.

“I’m sure that if Mr Darling was to come out and let one of the lads have a swing at him, then the whole thing would soon be forgotten about.  Let’s just hope and pray that there’s nothing in the next budget about taxing rabbit stew.”

Robbie: ‘Cannabis to blame for all my crap music’

Caution: use of this substance could cause you to record severely sub-standard music

Robbie Williams has claimed that he loved smoking cannabis – but that he had to stop because the drug made him make too much crap music.

The former Take That singer said he suffered from what he called a “crap music wasting disorder” after smoking marijuana and went on mammoth recording sessions in which very few of any of the tracks laid down were even slightly good.

Williams, 36, who has fought a battle against drink, drugs and depression, said cannabis was a “lovely drug” but it did not “mix well with me…or my record sales, for that matter.”

Speaking to the Radio Times, the troubled star said: “Did you see me last year? Nope, nor did anyone else. It’s what happens when you try to crack America for the umpteenth time based only a back catalogue of five songs and the ability to thrust your genitals towards a crowd suggestively.

“Weed, it’s such a lovely drug.” Williams continued, “but it doesn’t mix well with me at all.  Just thinking about weed makes me want to go and record a trite and unnecessarily self-centred ballad about how wonderful I am.”

Williams, who won the Outstanding Contribution to Music award at the Brit Awards last month, said he became so depressed that he did not care if he died after going into rehab on his 33rd birthday for addiction to prescription drugs.

“In fairness, if you were one of the seven people that listened to my last album, then you probably wouldn’t have given a sh*t either.” he said.

The star’s comments about cannabis have been criticised by the drugs information service Frank.

Nurse Chris Hudson said cannabis could trigger mental health problems in some users.

“Cannabis messes with your mind – and reactions can be more powerful with stronger strains such as skunk, which is around twice as potent,” he said.

“In recounting his experiences with this drug, we feel that Robbie is glamourising it, which the way for thousands of fans to try to go out and record their own mediocre album.

“It’s just completely irresponsible. There’s enough crap in the charts as it is, without Williams sticking his oar in and enabling people to produce more of the same. This is like the X-Factor all over again.”

Liam Gallagher injured in fight with own reflection

Former Oasis front man Liam Gallagher has been taken to hospital after sustaining multiple facial injuries in a fight with his own reflection, it has been reported.

The news follows Gallagher’s controversial appearance at the Brit Awards earlier this week when he hurled an award into the crowd, which has led many to question the singer’s emotional stability.

It is understood that police began receiving complaints from neighbours in the early hours of the morning after a sustained period of loud shouting.

“The strange thing was, I knew that Mr Gallagher was at home by himself,” said next-door neighbour Julie Parsons, 46. “It was so loud that we had to turn the TV up to drown out the noise.

"D'yer want a fight, you fookin' paramedic b*stard?"

“All I could hear was Mr Gallagher shouting things like: ‘are you lookin’ at me, pal?’ and ‘oh, so it’s a fight you’re after is it?’ before a prolonged period of loud crashing and banging. Soon afterwards, the police arrived and explained that he had had an altercation with his own reflection, and that he was currently being treated for injuries after assaulting a mirror with a head-butt.”

Gallagher, 37, was kept in overnight for observation at a Manchester hospital, having sustained what a hospital spokesman referred to as “multiple lacerations to his face”.  The hospital was keen to stress, however that “Mr Gallagher is already feeling much better, and was sitting up in bed this morning, swearing his head off and trying to start a fight with a doctor.”

This is not the first occasion that Gallagher has made the headlines because of his volatile temperament.

“Liam has always been a bit of a loose cannon,” said Alan Meade, President of the Official Oasis fan club. “I remember when the band were touring the States a few years back and there were reports that Liam had actually tried to bite his own nose off.

“Needless to say, the rest of the band pointed out that he was only spiting his face in doing so, but Liam didn’t seem to care.  He really is a misunderstood individual, who holds deep affection for everyone around him.

“Unfortunately, his way of demonstrating that affection is to start a big, shouty argument with those around him, before asking them if they want a fight.”

Gallagher released a statement earlier this morning, in which he refused to apologise and insisted that his reflection “had it coming.”  He also expressed relief that his wounds were only minor and that he would not need “an operaaaaayshiun.”

Simon Cowell to raise spirits in Haiti with song about suicide

"Don't do it!"

Pop guru Simon Cowell has unveiled his charity song for Haiti, released with the surprising aim of raising spirits amongst the victims of the earthquake through an anti-suicide message.

The song, a cover of REM’s 1993 hit Everybody Hurts, implores the listener to support the Haiti earthquake appeal by rejecting suicide and asks them to “hold on,” as various celebrities, including Mariah Carey, Leona Lewis, Kylie Minogue and Westlife warble their way through proceedings.

“What we’re trying to get through here,” said Cowell, at a press conference to announce the release of the record, “is  that the earthquake in Haiti was a terrible tragedy. But suicide isn’t the answer. Not that you might have thought it ever was.  But just in case you did, then it isn’t.  Got it?”

Responding to accusations that his team of researchers simply picked the first sad song they could find, without so much as glancing at the deeper meaning of the lyrics, hopping straight into the recording studio, before anybody could explain the facts of the matter, Cowell said: “The suggestion that we went with the first song my researcher heard on her iPod is a ludicrous one, even if it is entirely supported by the fact that Everybody Hurts is a wildly inappropriate song for this cause.

“Look, we had a simple choice on the day.  Either we covered this or The Birdie Song.  Don’t ask….our researcher has a weird playlist on her iPod and we just had to make a quick decision.”

Music fans had their first chance to hear Simon Cowell’s song for Haiti yesterday after websites and radio stations around the country played the track.

Haitian earthquake survivor Emmanuel Madison was played the record this morning and looked visibly delighted:  “Wow, this is amazing.  To know that Robbie Williams was reunited with Take That just to aid our cause brought a tear to my eye.

“And when I heard that one record could contain the vocal talents of Mika, Michael Buble, X Factor winner Joe McElderry, Miley Cyrus, Gary Barlow, Mark Owen, Jon Bon Jovi, Aston Merrygold and Marvin Humes from JLS – all telling me to ‘hold on’….?

“Well, it just convinced me that all the pain and suffering of the past few weeks has been worthwhile.  Just for them, I’m not going to go out and commit suicide.  Thanks guys!”

Christmas no.1 is song nobody even likes

The 2009 Christmas no.1 is, for the first time, a song that nobody even likes, it has been revealed.  Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name was a song that relatively few people purchased upon the first release of the single during November 1992, and few eyebrows were raised when it reached a high point of 25 – a position that in no small way reflected the ambivalence of the record-buying public toward the band.

However, a spokesperson for Rage Against the Machine, insisted that the band’s festive top spot should in no way be devalued by the recent media campaign. Speaking at the launch of a new Facebook group to make sure their 1999 album The Battle of Los Angeles is top of the first album chart of 2010, he said:

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

“Come on guys. Do you really think people are so stupid that they’ll just go out and buy whatever people tell them to? Although I suppose that would go some way to explaining the mystifying popularity of S Club 7.”

Ethel Carraway, 83, was one of the many who downloaded Killing in the Name and explains: “I can’t stand this song – it’s just a load of loud, unbearable noise, not like the lovely tunes they used to have in my day. I’ll certainly never listen to it again.

Ethel continued: “To be honest, I’ve never heard of this X Factor business and don’t even know who this Simon Cowell chap is as I don’t own a TV here in the retirement home. All I heard was that by doing this it would be f*****g up the establishment, and I’m all for that.  Fight the power!”

Plans are already underway to strike against the X Factor‘s plans for domination of next year’s Christmas no.1 spot, as Tracey and John Morter, founders of the Facebook group which led to this year’s chart rebellion, explained:

“This just goes to show that people are willing to buy a single they completely hated the first time around, in order that another single they completely hate this time around doesn’t sell more records.  It’s really just that simple, and shows that, if nothing else, people will not be told by Simon Cowell – or anyone else for that matter – what music they should buy.”

John Morter then added: “Having said that, next year, we’re going to tell everyone to buy a new song we’ve made up called: We Hate Simon Cowell and His Songs are Really Rubbish – the song won’t be any good, and will have nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, but if this year has proven anything it’s that none of these factors are in any way important.  We are already quietly confident.”

Kid wins karaoke contest, ruins Christmas

Rage Against the Machine's newest member

A young man who triumphed by winning a karaoke competition this weekend is expected to demonstrate his gratitude by openly urinating into the dying embers of one of the great Christmas traditions, it has been confirmed.

Joe McElderry, 18, ‘won’ last night’s televised popularity contest and is expected to go on to achieve this year’s Christmas no.1 in just over 10 days, following in the footsteps of all the other stars before him who were able to learn the words to other people’s songs then belt them out in barely passable fashion.

Bookmakers have already stated that McElderry is now the red-hot favourite to secure Christmas number one, with Ladbrokes cutting his odds of earning the top spot to 1/8.

NME journalist Chris Cavendish said: “For years now we’ve had to put up with this crap filling our charts at this time of the year. You would have thought that after Alexandra Burke got smacked in the face they would have got the message about what these records are doing to people. Apparently not.”

Radio 1 DJ Jo Whiley agreed: “I see that Joe’s single is out on Wednesday. Now, call me cynical, but that’s a quick bit of writing on his part. Did he knock something together between the ad breaks during Sunday’s final show? What’s that? He DIDN’T write it? Well blow me down.”

However, Cheryl Cole, who mentored Joe throughout the karaoke competition, disagreed that his record would devalue the Christmas no.1.

“People who say that a manufactured single getting the Christmas no.1 year after year after year devalues the achievement don’t know what they are talking about.  I mean, obviously I’m only saying that because I don’t have a record out this Christmas and stand to profit considerably from this one,” she said, before adding: “It’s in the shops on Wednesday! Buy it!”

The concept of the traditional battle for the Christmas no.1 top spot has been the cause of much controversy this year, with a Facebook group set up to implore the public to buy Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name as a protest against Simon Cowell and the idea of manufactured hits ruining the once-great tradition.

Cowell hit back after last night’s karaoke final, insisting: “I don’t know why everyone’s falling for this trick.  Rage Against the Machine have just been signed up by Pete Waterman and the record they are releasing is simply a re-mixed version of their old track, with Rick Astley singing backing vocals.  You’ll never beat me Waterman….mwah ha ha ha ha.”

Michael Jackson still dead

Hey, you there!  Stop what you’re doing! Have you seen this?  You know Michael Jackson?  The King of Pop?  The guy who invented the Moonwalk?  Yeah, you know him.  Well, it says here in an article in this morning’s Guardian that he’s still dead.  Can you believe that he hasn’t re-materialised into one of the living dead?

I know!  I can’t really get my head around it, only it says it here, so it must be true.  What’s that?  No, I don’t care what Tiger Woods has done now…aren’t you listening to me man?  MICHAEL JACKSON.  DEAD!  STILL!!

Look, I know it’s going to take a lot of time to sink in and that, like me, he was probably one of your favourite performers over the past couple of decades or so, but you really need to give in to the shock and stop fighting it.

MJ’s still gone.  And he might not even come back.  You know, I often think about the time I first saw the video to arguably his most famous song, Thriller, and you know what occured to me?

Still dead

At the time I thought: ‘how cool would it be to have a singer who was just, you know, like, dead, and was singing in a sort of zombified state.’  So for months now, ever since that fateful June day, I’ve been waiting for the day when the zombie Jackson will make the mother of all comebacks (from the dead) and fulfil the sell-out tour dates at London’s O2 centre.  Surely it can only be a matter of time?

You see, I’m Michael Jackson’s biggest fan.  I bought all of his hit records – admittedly as part of a bootlegged Greatest Hits album, but that’s not the point.  I think the world would really benefit from seeing Jacko in undead form perform a string of hits to a packed out arena.

I for one would delight in seeing his exhumed flesh in person as he groans his way through such classics as Billie Jean, Bad and The Way You Make Me Feel.

However, all such thoughts are now just idle fantasies, if this Guardian article is to be believed.  Michael’s still dead, and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.

Even standing in front of the mirror, wearing my limited edition Michael Jackson make-up, wig and Thriller costume whilst reciting the words to Dangerous backwards probably wouldn’t work.  Probably.

Still, anything’s worth a go, isn’t it?

Fans boycott premiere due to Jackson not looking ‘almost dead’ enough in film

Hundreds of Michael Jackson fans have boycotted the premiere showing of the This is It documentary in London last night because they felt that the film portrayed the star as not looking ‘almost dead’ enough in his final days.

The film, which was shown in London this morning at 4am in sync with 18 other countries depicts Jackson in the weeks before his death rehearsing for the ill-fated This is It run of shows in London, and has attracted widespread criticism from his most loyal fans.

How Michael Jackson fans would have wanted him depicted in the new documentary.

“I thought he would look closer to death than he did in the footage I’ve seen,” said 18 year-old Rachel Barnes from St. Albans, protesting outside the cinema. “I don’t care what the coroner’s report said, Michael was not healthy just before he died.  I mean, think about it. He must have been a bit poorly – otherwise he wouldn’t have died. It doesn’t make any sense otherwise.”

Joe Plumber, 22, from South Croydon agreed, choosing to point the finger of suspicion at the costumes Jackson wore in the film. “Look, I know it’s only rehearsal footage, but if they knew he was going to die, couldn’t they have done some work in post-production? I mean, would it really have hurt them to have had Jackson perform the entire thing in full Thriller costume including make-up through a bit of CGI? They could have had scabs falling off him and everything. It certainly would have added to the realism.”

Kenny Ortega, who directed the feature-length documentary has hit back at critics who have poured scorn on the project as a tastleless attempt to profit on an glamourise Jackson’s final days.  “Do these people really think that it’s healthy for a 50 year-old black man to look so pasty and drawn at his time of life?  And they say my film makes him out to be healthy?!?  If anything, I should get a chuffing Oscar for showing how close to the edge he was.”

Another school of thought, however, is that there is a more sinister and significant reason for Jackson’s healthy appearance in the film. Neville Swann, President of the British Society for the Perpetuation of Conspiracies explains:

“I’ve discussed this matter at great length with the moon landing faker’s and the Elvis Presley’s followers and we all agree that Michael Jackson isn’t dead at all – it’s a massive cover-up. Instead, we’ve worked out that he’s now living with Elvis on the set of the faked moon landings. We’re through the looking glass here, people.”

Leona Lewis announces ‘buy one get one punch free’ offer at all book signings

Leona Lewis has announced a unique new ‘buy one, get one punch free’ system to promote the purchase of her new book, Dreams, at personal signings in selected branches of Waterstone’s. The surprise move comes days after the 24 year-old former X Factor winner was punched in the face at Waterstone’s in Piccadilly, London.

“You probably think that this is an unwise move,” said Lewis’s agent, Philip Allen yesterday, “but let’s look at the facts. Leona has been desperately trying to get publicity for this book for weeks now – has anyone cared? No, they have not.

Leona Lewis unwinds after another hard day signing books

“It seems that the only way to flog a few copies of a book in this country is for some nutter to punch the author in the face. As I keep telling Leona, if that’s what it takes to get her book to the top of the bestselling charts for Christmas, then that’s what we’ll keep on doing.”

To prepare for the arduous physical rigours of the rest of her book-signing tour, Lewis has been in special training at ‘Big Mickey’s Gymnasium and Boxing Academy,’ in Walthamstow.

“At first I was a bit apprehensive about the idea, to be honest,” said Lewis in between sparring sessions at the gym, “but then my agent assured me that it made shrewd financial sense. And besides, I’m getting good at taking the punches now with all this training. It would be nice if I could hit back once in a while, though.”

Waterstone’s will be putting up a special ring for the signing and giving everyone who purchases a copy 30 seconds to get in one clean punch to Leona Lewis’s face, as she tries a variety of defensive manoeuvres around the ring.

“Ideally, we’d have liked her strapped to a chair while people punched her,” said a clearly disappointed Waterstone’s spokesperson, “but we didn’t think Leona would last very long.  This seems like a fair compromise.”

Once news of the promotion spreads, it is thought that literally hundreds of thousands of people will queue up for the opportunity to buy Leona Lewis’s book, punch her in the face, then toss it into the bin.

Gary Lightbody, lead singer of Snow Patrol commented upon hearing the news: “She’s doing what? That woman absolutely murdered Run last year. That’s it – when is the next signing? I’m getting the rest of the band down there to…er…to buy her no doubt excellent book. Ahem.”

Blair and Jay-Z ‘in talks’ over collaborative political rap/rock crossover album

Blair: laying down some phat rhymes

Former British PM and EU President-in-waiting Tony Blair has today confirmed ‘his people’ are in talks with hip-hop supremo Jay-Z about a ground-breaking collaboration album. A spokesperson said: “I can confirm that Tony Blair’s people are in talks with hip-hop supremo Jay-Z about a ground-breaking collaboration album.”

However, a tweet from the user account ‘MC TB’ yesterday read: “about to sign with jigger for the biggest album of the decade. Gonna blow up y’all”. Geoff Hoon retweeted the message immediately, focussing suspicion on his ex-boss.

Sources close to the deal have revealed that Blair is likely to style himself as MC TB, with his lyrics rumoured to cover issues as diverse as misogynistic rap-posturing, food labelling policy and the financial crisis, reserving particularly vitriolic verses for almost-complete track ‘Bang Bang Batties’, where he rounds on the ‘haters’ who opposed the Iraq war.

One song in progress which this journalist has had access to is a snarling, bouncy track which mocks the fiscal policy of his erstwhile colleague, Gordon Brown.  Apparently the content of the song is a point of fierce discussion between Blair and Jay-Z; the latter is a long-time supporter of Brown and is rumoured to have had a background role in the planning of the bank bailout plan last year.

The disagreement surrounds a line in the song which runs, “I promised you the job, then dumped you in the shizzle. Now even The Sun hates you and I’m smoking blunts with Lethal Bizzle.”

The music industry has given the news a mixed response. An insider at a major label said: “it sounds a complete joke, but when you hear some of the underground stuff that MC TB has done, it’s like ‘Wow, this guy can really rhyme’. He’s been going to rap battles with a big ‘tache and glasses, and nobody had a clue who he was. If they can put it together and resolve their differences, this could be massive.”

In one online recording, an artist claiming to be MC TB raps “I used be a suit, now I just ride around an’ shoot….dudes wanna be me, Women wanna blow me – but I just wanna chill with Cherie and our homies.”