Movie studio buys rights for volcanic ash related sequel

Universal Studios have purchased the rights to produce a full length motion picture around the topic of the recent volcanic ash crisis, it was announced yesterday.

The movie, called Ash on a Plane, will begin filming at the end of the year, and will be the sequel to the 2006 cult release Snakes on a Plane.

“I see this as less of a sequel, and more of a continuation of an exciting journey,” said Director Steven Spielberg, who enthusiastically attached himself to the project after reading the script.

"Ash? On a plane?"

“I’m just really pleased that Samuel L. Jackson has agreed to reprise his character from the first film. He really is the perfect choice to bring home the menace of all that dangerous, drifting, and relatively harmless ash to everyone who sees the film.”

“In the first movie, we had snakes, and they were on a plane,” explained Jackson. “This time, it’s ash from some volcano in Iceland or somewhere.

“Of course, in the film, nobody actually gets to see the ash, or go anywhere near it…in fact nobody actually gets to go on a plane either.

“It’s more of a tale of very frustrated people arriving at airports, forming huge lines at Starbucks and complaining that they should have got the ferry instead.

“My own character has to travel via two boats, a coach, two trans-continental trains and a donkey before deciding that he would have been better off hi-jacking the motherf*****g plane in the first place.”

Co-stars pencilled in to star alongside Jackson in Ash on a Plane include Harvey Keitel as an overworked Starbucks cashier, Kevin Spacey as a grounded flight attendant with a pressing engagement, and Danny Glover as a good cop one day short of his retirement.

“Who knows how it’ll go?” concluded Spielberg.  “We’ve developed a scriptand will begin filming in November, ahead of a release in January 2012.

“If it’s well received, then we can start thinking about a third film, which we’ve had in the pipeline for some time which tackles proposed strike action by British Airways cabin crews.

“It’ll be called Strikes on a Plane.”

John Terry, Vernon Kay both take weekend off to ‘spend more time with one another’

Tess Daly: Never mind the accent, you would, wouldn't you?

Chelsea Football Club have confirmed that their captain, John Terry, will miss this weekend’s FA Cup game in favour of “spending more time” with television presenter Vernon Kay, who has also pulled out of his Saturday morning radio show following a week in the news headlines.

Sources close to the club confirmed that Terry, 29, put in the request for compassionate leave to Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti shortly after gratefully learning that Vernon Kay’s indiscretions had moved him off the tabloid front pages.

A club spokesperson said: “John feels he owes a debt of thanks to Vernon and wants to spend a bit of time with him to reward his generosity of spirit.  Let’s face it, before news of Vernon’s sex texts fiasco, JT was generally considered to be the muckiest man in England.

“But that all changed the minute Vernon went behind Tess Daly’s back.  He’s angered all the middle class housewives in the country – and they are, as we know, the backbone of the nation.  The poor b*stard…he doesn’t have a clue what he’s let himself in for.”

Kay, 35, is the presenter of ITV’s Family Fortunes, and shocked the nation this week when he hit the headlines for sending explicit text messages to five page 3 models, leaving his celebrity, ex-model wife to pick up the pieces, claimining a “lack of trust”.

Terry, meanwhie, had originally planned to fly out to Dubai this weekend to spend more time with his wife, Toni and his two children, but changed his plans after it became clear that public opinion had turned forcibly against Kay following this week’s tabloid revelations.

“The timing couldn’t have been better,” said Terry’s agent last night. “John isn’t sure if Vernon meant for this to come out when it did, but either way, it seems to have taken some off the heat off him quite a bit.  He’s been trying to get in touch with Vernon all week to sort something out – after all it’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday, and he’s pretty sure that after the week he’s had, Vernon will be free.”

A family friend of Kay confirmed that he will be spending the weekend with the former England captain, and that they would: “go out for a few beers, chat about what it’s like to be reviled by an entire nation, and compare notes on their liasons with models.  It’s an important step in the process of rebuilding themselves as fine, upstanding members of society.”

Everyone finally sick of Ricky Gervais

Oh, just p**s off

Everyone is finally completely and utterly sick of British comedian Ricky Gervais, it was reported yesterday.

The surprise findings, pulled together after Gervais hosted the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night concluded that although ‘Gervais used to be pretty funny’ albeit in ‘small doses’ his present level of over-exposure makes him seem virtually ‘omnipresent’.

American TV critic Bill Schwarz commented: “Sure, I’m one of those who really liked Ricky when he first broke onto the scene. His unique brand of straight-talking observational comedy intertwined with a cheeky sarcasm made him a breath of fresh air.

“But does he really have to appear on my TV every chuffing time I switch it on? If he’s not plugging a new DVD then he’s promoting his new film, or appearing in a specially-written episode of The Simpsons. Where is this all going to end?”

For many, the final insult came when Gervais was invited to be the first host of the Golden Globes since 1995.

“Oh, sure, they had to ask Gervais, didn’t they?” commented a bitter Sandra Bullock. “To be honest, I’d have preferred the creaky tannoy system they’ve had every other year here. It would have been considerably less grating.”

Mel Gibson, for his part, struggled to understand anything the British comic was saying.  “He kept mentioning someone called Karl Pilkington.  Who the f**k is Karl Pilkington?  I’ve never even heard of him.  Why the f**k is he telling us about him?”

Director James Cameron, whose film Avatar was the Globes’ big winner, had to be forced onto the stage to receive the Best Picture award.

“You know, I usually love awards ceremonies,” Cameron said, “and in any other circumstance I’d be stood here thanking all the people who have made this possible.

“But not tonight. This gurning idiot has ruined everyone’s night and made this award about as meaningful as a half-eaten, insect-infested kebab.  Thanks for nothing Gervais.”

Although Cameron’s speech received a standing ovation, Gervais further alienated himself to the crowd by attempting to perform the dance first seen in the BBC series The Office as the jeers descended upon him.

Asked how he thought his evening hosting at the Golden Globes had gone, Gervais said: “Well, you know, it’s always difficult to judge how these things go, isn’t it?  Having said that, I thought it went well.  Have you seen that I’ve got a new DVD out?”

Queen to deliver Christmas message via medium of interpretive dance

The Queen, delivering her thoughts on the MP's expenses row

The Queen will deliver this year’s Christmas message via the medium of interpretive dance, sources at Buckingham Palace confirmed last night.  The Royal Christmas message to the Commonwealth is a tradition first established in 1932 with a radio broadcast by King George V on the BBC Empire Service.

Today, the message is broadcast all over the world via television, radio, satellite and the internet, and it is thought that the Royal family are keen to explore new ways of ensuring that the message is relevant to its ever-changing audience.

“We’ve been looking at ways of jazzing the whole thing up for a while now,” a Palace spokesperson said.  “The Queen’s done loads of these things now and recently she’s made it abundantly clear that she’s sick and tired of the same old tired format.  If we didn’t shake things up this year, she threatened to turn up on the day without a script, wearing some tracksuit bottoms, a dirty old t-shirt and with her curlers in.”

Palace officials soon got to work in order to appease the Sovereign, and put together a ten minute routine for Her Royal Highness that will encapsulate her high and low points of 2009, while outlining her hopes for 2010.

“I think we’ve put together a routine of interpretive dance that Her Majesty can be rightly proud of,” said Darcy Blake, lead coreographer for the Queen’s 2009 Christmas message.  “Without wanting to give too much away, we’ve tried to put in a little bit of something for everyone.

“From Her Majesty miming the snatching of money from her pocket in grand flourishes in order to describe the credit crunch to pretending to danc with a machine gun, signalling the ongoing conflict in Afghanistan, this performance really has it all.  The two-minute moon walk, to signify the death of Michael Jackson has to be seen to be believed.”

This is not the first time that the monarchy has attempted to take the Christmas message in a new, radical direction.  In 1990, inspired by the John Barnes’ famous rap in England’s World Cup record World in Motion the Queen attempted to put her message into rap form, only for the plug to be pulled at the last minute when it emerged that she wanted to refer to the Commonwealth as “one’s bitches.”

If this year’s experiment is successful, if could open the way for future Christmas messages to be delivered through other genres.  Bookmakers William Hill are already offering odds of 3/1 that the 2010 Christmas message will be delivered by means of a underground rave in the heart of Essex.

Christmas no.1 is song nobody even likes

The 2009 Christmas no.1 is, for the first time, a song that nobody even likes, it has been revealed.  Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name was a song that relatively few people purchased upon the first release of the single during November 1992, and few eyebrows were raised when it reached a high point of 25 – a position that in no small way reflected the ambivalence of the record-buying public toward the band.

However, a spokesperson for Rage Against the Machine, insisted that the band’s festive top spot should in no way be devalued by the recent media campaign. Speaking at the launch of a new Facebook group to make sure their 1999 album The Battle of Los Angeles is top of the first album chart of 2010, he said:

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

“Come on guys. Do you really think people are so stupid that they’ll just go out and buy whatever people tell them to? Although I suppose that would go some way to explaining the mystifying popularity of S Club 7.”

Ethel Carraway, 83, was one of the many who downloaded Killing in the Name and explains: “I can’t stand this song – it’s just a load of loud, unbearable noise, not like the lovely tunes they used to have in my day. I’ll certainly never listen to it again.

Ethel continued: “To be honest, I’ve never heard of this X Factor business and don’t even know who this Simon Cowell chap is as I don’t own a TV here in the retirement home. All I heard was that by doing this it would be f*****g up the establishment, and I’m all for that.  Fight the power!”

Plans are already underway to strike against the X Factor‘s plans for domination of next year’s Christmas no.1 spot, as Tracey and John Morter, founders of the Facebook group which led to this year’s chart rebellion, explained:

“This just goes to show that people are willing to buy a single they completely hated the first time around, in order that another single they completely hate this time around doesn’t sell more records.  It’s really just that simple, and shows that, if nothing else, people will not be told by Simon Cowell – or anyone else for that matter – what music they should buy.”

John Morter then added: “Having said that, next year, we’re going to tell everyone to buy a new song we’ve made up called: We Hate Simon Cowell and His Songs are Really Rubbish – the song won’t be any good, and will have nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, but if this year has proven anything it’s that none of these factors are in any way important.  We are already quietly confident.”

Kid wins karaoke contest, ruins Christmas

Rage Against the Machine's newest member

A young man who triumphed by winning a karaoke competition this weekend is expected to demonstrate his gratitude by openly urinating into the dying embers of one of the great Christmas traditions, it has been confirmed.

Joe McElderry, 18, ‘won’ last night’s televised popularity contest and is expected to go on to achieve this year’s Christmas no.1 in just over 10 days, following in the footsteps of all the other stars before him who were able to learn the words to other people’s songs then belt them out in barely passable fashion.

Bookmakers have already stated that McElderry is now the red-hot favourite to secure Christmas number one, with Ladbrokes cutting his odds of earning the top spot to 1/8.

NME journalist Chris Cavendish said: “For years now we’ve had to put up with this crap filling our charts at this time of the year. You would have thought that after Alexandra Burke got smacked in the face they would have got the message about what these records are doing to people. Apparently not.”

Radio 1 DJ Jo Whiley agreed: “I see that Joe’s single is out on Wednesday. Now, call me cynical, but that’s a quick bit of writing on his part. Did he knock something together between the ad breaks during Sunday’s final show? What’s that? He DIDN’T write it? Well blow me down.”

However, Cheryl Cole, who mentored Joe throughout the karaoke competition, disagreed that his record would devalue the Christmas no.1.

“People who say that a manufactured single getting the Christmas no.1 year after year after year devalues the achievement don’t know what they are talking about.  I mean, obviously I’m only saying that because I don’t have a record out this Christmas and stand to profit considerably from this one,” she said, before adding: “It’s in the shops on Wednesday! Buy it!”

The concept of the traditional battle for the Christmas no.1 top spot has been the cause of much controversy this year, with a Facebook group set up to implore the public to buy Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name as a protest against Simon Cowell and the idea of manufactured hits ruining the once-great tradition.

Cowell hit back after last night’s karaoke final, insisting: “I don’t know why everyone’s falling for this trick.  Rage Against the Machine have just been signed up by Pete Waterman and the record they are releasing is simply a re-mixed version of their old track, with Rick Astley singing backing vocals.  You’ll never beat me Waterman….mwah ha ha ha ha.”

Michael Jackson still dead

Hey, you there!  Stop what you’re doing! Have you seen this?  You know Michael Jackson?  The King of Pop?  The guy who invented the Moonwalk?  Yeah, you know him.  Well, it says here in an article in this morning’s Guardian that he’s still dead.  Can you believe that he hasn’t re-materialised into one of the living dead?

I know!  I can’t really get my head around it, only it says it here, so it must be true.  What’s that?  No, I don’t care what Tiger Woods has done now…aren’t you listening to me man?  MICHAEL JACKSON.  DEAD!  STILL!!

Look, I know it’s going to take a lot of time to sink in and that, like me, he was probably one of your favourite performers over the past couple of decades or so, but you really need to give in to the shock and stop fighting it.

MJ’s still gone.  And he might not even come back.  You know, I often think about the time I first saw the video to arguably his most famous song, Thriller, and you know what occured to me?

Still dead

At the time I thought: ‘how cool would it be to have a singer who was just, you know, like, dead, and was singing in a sort of zombified state.’  So for months now, ever since that fateful June day, I’ve been waiting for the day when the zombie Jackson will make the mother of all comebacks (from the dead) and fulfil the sell-out tour dates at London’s O2 centre.  Surely it can only be a matter of time?

You see, I’m Michael Jackson’s biggest fan.  I bought all of his hit records – admittedly as part of a bootlegged Greatest Hits album, but that’s not the point.  I think the world would really benefit from seeing Jacko in undead form perform a string of hits to a packed out arena.

I for one would delight in seeing his exhumed flesh in person as he groans his way through such classics as Billie Jean, Bad and The Way You Make Me Feel.

However, all such thoughts are now just idle fantasies, if this Guardian article is to be believed.  Michael’s still dead, and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.

Even standing in front of the mirror, wearing my limited edition Michael Jackson make-up, wig and Thriller costume whilst reciting the words to Dangerous backwards probably wouldn’t work.  Probably.

Still, anything’s worth a go, isn’t it?

David Haye defeats Valuev, thinks he’s in Rocky IV

Definitely NOT an image from Saturday's fight

Boxing fans and television viewers around the world received a surprise at the weekend after David Haye greeted his sensational points victory over 7ft 2in Russian giant Nikolai Valuev in Nuremberg by grabbing a microphone from the crowd and shouting: “I guess what I’m trying to say is, if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change.” Onlookers were stunned as Haye proceeded to try to get everyone in the arena to chant his name, seemingly under the impression that the everyone in the capacity crowd had been against him from the start.

“I’m not sure where he got that idea from,” said promoter Frank Warren, “although he did watch Rocky IV several times on DVD before he flew out, so maybe the whole thing has just gone to his head a little bit.”

During his speech, Haye seemed to insinuate that the contest between the two fighters was in some way a metaphor for strained political relations between the East and West.  “During this fight, I’ve seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you,” Haye said, as Warren tried furiously to wrestle the microphone off him.  “In here, there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that’s better than twenty million,” he concluded, before punching the sky heroically.

“I just hope we can pass this off as a joke,” a visibly embarassed Warren said. “The Cold War has been over for years – what did he think he was doing?”

During the fight fans were also said to hear Haye singing to himself as he implemented his tactical gameplan against Valuev. Brian O’Toole, 36, from Doncaster, who travelled over to be ringside at the fight commented: “He appeared to be singing a medley of Rocky anthems.  It began with the classic Rocky theme, moved on to Burning Heart and culminated in Eye of the Tiger. It was marvellous – he’s got a cracking singing voice and timed many of his punches to go with the rythm of the songs.  It was a real treat.”

In his next fight, Haye is set to take on John Ruiz – although experts have already warned that if Rocky V is anything to go by, Haye should probably just quit while he is ahead.

Fans boycott premiere due to Jackson not looking ‘almost dead’ enough in film

Hundreds of Michael Jackson fans have boycotted the premiere showing of the This is It documentary in London last night because they felt that the film portrayed the star as not looking ‘almost dead’ enough in his final days.

The film, which was shown in London this morning at 4am in sync with 18 other countries depicts Jackson in the weeks before his death rehearsing for the ill-fated This is It run of shows in London, and has attracted widespread criticism from his most loyal fans.

How Michael Jackson fans would have wanted him depicted in the new documentary.

“I thought he would look closer to death than he did in the footage I’ve seen,” said 18 year-old Rachel Barnes from St. Albans, protesting outside the cinema. “I don’t care what the coroner’s report said, Michael was not healthy just before he died.  I mean, think about it. He must have been a bit poorly – otherwise he wouldn’t have died. It doesn’t make any sense otherwise.”

Joe Plumber, 22, from South Croydon agreed, choosing to point the finger of suspicion at the costumes Jackson wore in the film. “Look, I know it’s only rehearsal footage, but if they knew he was going to die, couldn’t they have done some work in post-production? I mean, would it really have hurt them to have had Jackson perform the entire thing in full Thriller costume including make-up through a bit of CGI? They could have had scabs falling off him and everything. It certainly would have added to the realism.”

Kenny Ortega, who directed the feature-length documentary has hit back at critics who have poured scorn on the project as a tastleless attempt to profit on an glamourise Jackson’s final days.  “Do these people really think that it’s healthy for a 50 year-old black man to look so pasty and drawn at his time of life?  And they say my film makes him out to be healthy?!?  If anything, I should get a chuffing Oscar for showing how close to the edge he was.”

Another school of thought, however, is that there is a more sinister and significant reason for Jackson’s healthy appearance in the film. Neville Swann, President of the British Society for the Perpetuation of Conspiracies explains:

“I’ve discussed this matter at great length with the moon landing faker’s and the Elvis Presley’s followers and we all agree that Michael Jackson isn’t dead at all – it’s a massive cover-up. Instead, we’ve worked out that he’s now living with Elvis on the set of the faked moon landings. We’re through the looking glass here, people.”

Jim Davidson ‘determined’ to win back title as Britain’s most politically incorrect man

Jim Davidson: "Political incorrectness gone mad"

British entertainer Jim Davidson has vowed to regain his crown as the most politically incorrect man in the country after the baton was passed to BNP leader Nick Griffin following his appearance on the BBC’s Question Time last week.

The award is presented every 6 months, and requires judges to enter the term ‘political incorrectness’ into internet search engine Google to see how many results it comes back with.

Judge Peter Asquith explains: “Usually Jim Davidson is the runaway winner, and there’s nobody who can touch him for the sheer volume of crass, insensitive comments made against minorities – whether they are Asian, black, disabled, gay…you name it.  This time, however, Nick Griffin weighed in with a significantly higher number of results – almost 3 million more than Jim.”

Asked if Griffin’s Question Time appearance was a significant factor in reversing the trend, Asquith was emphatic: “Absolutely. We can’t stress highly enough the importance of spreading the word of political incorrectness in front of a record-breaking national television audience. Plus, he mentioned Nazis and stuff. Marvellous.”

Jim Davidson, however, was in combative mood upon hearing the news: “I’ve been working for years and years offending as many minorities as possible in order to win this award and all of a sudden, just because this Griffin bloke turns up on the telly playing the race card, suddenly people think HE’S more offensive?  I bet he doesn’t even know how to do a slightly risque, adult-orientated panto.”

“It’s political incorrectness gone mad,” the former Big Break presenter continued. “How many times has he offended our troops abroad? Not many, I’ll bet. Has he even said a bad word against anyone disabled? Not that I’ve heard. I’m determined to get this prize back, even if it means I have to go into politics and set up the ‘Jim Davidson Party for Political Incorrectness’. That would show him.”

Nick Griffin was unavailable for comment at the prospect of receiving the award, although a spokesperson did confirm that he will be embarking on a number of stand-up tour dates in Blackpool and Margate in the coming months.