Icelandic volcano spews hundreds of consonants and vowels into the air

An Icelandic volcano, which had lay dormant for 200 years, has erupted near Eyjafjallajoekull, ripping a 1km-long fissure in a field of ice and spraying hundreds of consonants and vowels up into the air in the process.

The volcano, situated in Southern Iceland, 75 miles east of Reykjavik, began to erupt just after midnight on Sunday, spitting a molten stream of largely incompatible letters a hundred metres high.

A young baby surveys the devastation

“We have taken the step of closing all major roads,” a civil protection officer said. “We’ve also closed Icelandic airspace, diverting all the flights elsewhere until there is little or no risk of one of our pilots having to deal with a rogue ‘Y’ or ‘J’ through the windscreen of their cockpit.”

Sigurgeir Gudmundsson of the Icelandic civil protections department has issued a statement to emphasise that he does not expect anyone to be in any immediate danger because of the eruption.

He did, however, recommend that anyone looking to escape the area in a hurry should try to shed as many of the unnecessary vowels and consonants in their own names as possible.

“If you’re anything like me, you’ll have more extraneous letters in your name than a small mining town in Wales,” he told the press earlier.

“Cutting these out is critical if anyone is to make swift progress away from the volcano, as unnecessary letters can weigh you down and get in the way when somebody is calling you to urgently attract your attention.

“I was in the town earlier to witness the scene, and I’ll be honest – I had to cut my name to ‘Sig Gud’ just to get out in time before the last eruption.”

Meanwhile, authorities have confirmed that between 500 and 600 people are in the process of being evacuated.

“Eyjaf….Ejyafall…oh, bugger it, I can’t pronounce that. The place next to the volcano is being evacuated as a precaution,” said a government spokesperson.

“Many of those forced to leave their homes behind have been forced to witness the bewildering spectacle of seemingly random letters raining down upon their town.

“It’s no small wonder that these people are in a state of collective shock…I’d wager that not even Carol Vorderman herself could manage to make any sense out of this many random vowels and consonants.”

America celebrates not having to pay for basic human right

"Aw, shucks. It was nothing...really"

US citizens were last night wildly celebrating the fact that they no longer have to pay for one of the most basic human rights in existence.

The fight to not have to dig into your pocket in order to breathe and walk properly was effectively ended after US politicians decided not to err on the side of death and pestilence by agreeing to accept President Barack Obama’s healthcare reform bill.

“This Bill will ensure that the basic human right of living a life free from illness or disease will be widened to all US citizens, and not just those with enough cash to perpetually line the pockets of the insurance companies,” said a Democrat spokesperson.

“It also brings The Greatest Country in the World firmly into the 21st Century and will move our citizens away from the kind of archaic situation that any right-thinking nation would have abolished more than 60 years ago.”

The House of Representatives voted the landmark legislation through by 219 votes to 212 – a move that will extend healthcare coverage to 32 million Americans who would, under the old system, have simply been ignored until they either died or stopped whinging.

President Obama, who is expected to sign the Bill later, welcomed the move.

“Under this Bill, health insurance will be extended to virtually all American, new taxes imposed on the wealthy and restrictive insurance practices will be banned,” he said.  “It also means I have finally delivered on one of the promises that got me elected, which should mean that everyone will start to love me again and shout ‘Yes we can!” wherever I go.

President Obama continued, “Owing to the fact that this is likely to be so popular, I am pleased to announce that I will also be looking into ways to make sure that no American citizen has to pay for oxygen, a sense of smell, the right to speak, or any petrol or oil.  Actually, scratch that last one.

“Do I get another Peace prize for this? I hope so. The last one had a great buffet and a disco afterwards.  Anyway, the point is, they’ve got my number.”

Concerned Toyota recall vehicles for working perfectly well

Not affected: a fully-functioning Toyota, yesterday

Japanese car maker Toyota will recall more than 412,000 vehicles in the US after finding that there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the vehicles concerned.

The firm issued an apology on its website and stated that the problem was due to an “unusually high” standard of quality control on one of its production lines, but was at pains to assure customers that it will not happen again.

“Our customers know that when they buy a Toyota, they are getting themselves a top-of-the-range, fully functioning death trap,” said a Toyota spokesperson.

“The last thing they expect is for the brakes or steering to actually work, which is why we were so shocked to find a batch of our vehicles that were fully operational – seemingly without any life-threatening defects whatsoever. Rest assured that we are taking steps to ensure that this will not happen again.”

The move comes a month after Japan’s second-biggest carmaker was found to have produced vehicles with faulty airbags and two months after the power window switch on some models was located as a potential fire risk.

“We really thought that more people would go for the faulty window switch option on the newer models,” said Toyota’s Potentially Lethal Product Feature Manager, Jim Summers.

“It turns out, though, not many people wanted to pay more for the added extra of experiencing a slow, painful death as their car is engulfed with flames on the M25.  Their funeral, I suppose.”

Toyota are planning to send letters out to customers as well as family, friends and widows of previous owners next month,  to apologise for this latest oversight and asking them to schedule an appointment to have their current model looked at if it has not killed, or at least seriously maimed anyone within three months of ownership.

“All they need to do is bring it into one of our specialised Toyota dealerships,” confirmed a spokesperson. “Before long, an engineer will be hacking away wildly at their car, with the aim of making it twice as dangerous as it already was before.  Possibly more.”

Ejup Ganic ‘Not that kind of war criminal’ says Tony Pulis

Stoke City manager Tony Pulis has sprung to the defence of former Bosnian president Ejup Ganic, who was arrested at Heathrow for war crimes today, insisting that: “He’s just not that kind of war criminal.”

The football world was shocked by Pulis’s staunch defence of Ganic, who had been in the UK for several days having attended a number of events at Buckingham University.

Ganic is thought to be one of 19 Bosnians accused of involvement in an alleged hijack of Yugoslav army convoy withdrawing from Sarajevo in 1992, a month after the Bosnian war started, in which 42 soldiers were killed.

Pulis: ridiculous hat

However Pulis was insistent in his appraisal of the situation: “Nobody really knows what Ejup Ganic is like, except the Bosnian people,” he said. “What right do the Serbian authorities have to demand his extradition? None, that’s what.

“I mean, sure, the boy’s gone in hard, but there’s been absolutely no intent to brutally slaughter 42 soldiers,” Pulis continued. “I’ll tell you what’s more – Ejup Ganic doesn’t have a murderous bone in his body…he’s just misunderstood.  If you ask me, these Yugoslav army convoys get entirely too much protection from the authorities, when the real truth is that they just don’t like it up ’em.”

Football pundits have been left uncertain as to the exact reason behind Pulis’s outburst, although ITV’s Andy Townsend suggested one theory:

“This isn’t exactly a new phenomenon. Tony has been making excuses for any number of inexplicable things for months now. Take for instance his constant inclusion of Ricardo Fuller up front and insistence that he has ‘played well’.  Or, for that matter, the fact that makes no apology for being a balding, middle-aged man who wears a baseball cap?

“Surely none of these things can be defended? I thought I’d seen everything when I saw him defend Ryan Shawcross’s attempt to amputate Aaron Ramsey’s leg on Saturday…but now this?”

Bookmakers William Hill are already offering odds of 2-1 that Pulis will begin defending that most indefensible of things – Ashley Cole cheating on Cheryl – before the season’s end, while Ejup Ganic faces an automatic domestic three-war suspension for violent, murderous conduct.

Simon Cowell to raise spirits in Haiti with song about suicide

"Don't do it!"

Pop guru Simon Cowell has unveiled his charity song for Haiti, released with the surprising aim of raising spirits amongst the victims of the earthquake through an anti-suicide message.

The song, a cover of REM’s 1993 hit Everybody Hurts, implores the listener to support the Haiti earthquake appeal by rejecting suicide and asks them to “hold on,” as various celebrities, including Mariah Carey, Leona Lewis, Kylie Minogue and Westlife warble their way through proceedings.

“What we’re trying to get through here,” said Cowell, at a press conference to announce the release of the record, “is  that the earthquake in Haiti was a terrible tragedy. But suicide isn’t the answer. Not that you might have thought it ever was.  But just in case you did, then it isn’t.  Got it?”

Responding to accusations that his team of researchers simply picked the first sad song they could find, without so much as glancing at the deeper meaning of the lyrics, hopping straight into the recording studio, before anybody could explain the facts of the matter, Cowell said: “The suggestion that we went with the first song my researcher heard on her iPod is a ludicrous one, even if it is entirely supported by the fact that Everybody Hurts is a wildly inappropriate song for this cause.

“Look, we had a simple choice on the day.  Either we covered this or The Birdie Song.  Don’t ask….our researcher has a weird playlist on her iPod and we just had to make a quick decision.”

Music fans had their first chance to hear Simon Cowell’s song for Haiti yesterday after websites and radio stations around the country played the track.

Haitian earthquake survivor Emmanuel Madison was played the record this morning and looked visibly delighted:  “Wow, this is amazing.  To know that Robbie Williams was reunited with Take That just to aid our cause brought a tear to my eye.

“And when I heard that one record could contain the vocal talents of Mika, Michael Buble, X Factor winner Joe McElderry, Miley Cyrus, Gary Barlow, Mark Owen, Jon Bon Jovi, Aston Merrygold and Marvin Humes from JLS – all telling me to ‘hold on’….?

“Well, it just convinced me that all the pain and suffering of the past few weeks has been worthwhile.  Just for them, I’m not going to go out and commit suicide.  Thanks guys!”

Everyone finally sick of Ricky Gervais

Oh, just p**s off

Everyone is finally completely and utterly sick of British comedian Ricky Gervais, it was reported yesterday.

The surprise findings, pulled together after Gervais hosted the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night concluded that although ‘Gervais used to be pretty funny’ albeit in ‘small doses’ his present level of over-exposure makes him seem virtually ‘omnipresent’.

American TV critic Bill Schwarz commented: “Sure, I’m one of those who really liked Ricky when he first broke onto the scene. His unique brand of straight-talking observational comedy intertwined with a cheeky sarcasm made him a breath of fresh air.

“But does he really have to appear on my TV every chuffing time I switch it on? If he’s not plugging a new DVD then he’s promoting his new film, or appearing in a specially-written episode of The Simpsons. Where is this all going to end?”

For many, the final insult came when Gervais was invited to be the first host of the Golden Globes since 1995.

“Oh, sure, they had to ask Gervais, didn’t they?” commented a bitter Sandra Bullock. “To be honest, I’d have preferred the creaky tannoy system they’ve had every other year here. It would have been considerably less grating.”

Mel Gibson, for his part, struggled to understand anything the British comic was saying.  “He kept mentioning someone called Karl Pilkington.  Who the f**k is Karl Pilkington?  I’ve never even heard of him.  Why the f**k is he telling us about him?”

Director James Cameron, whose film Avatar was the Globes’ big winner, had to be forced onto the stage to receive the Best Picture award.

“You know, I usually love awards ceremonies,” Cameron said, “and in any other circumstance I’d be stood here thanking all the people who have made this possible.

“But not tonight. This gurning idiot has ruined everyone’s night and made this award about as meaningful as a half-eaten, insect-infested kebab.  Thanks for nothing Gervais.”

Although Cameron’s speech received a standing ovation, Gervais further alienated himself to the crowd by attempting to perform the dance first seen in the BBC series The Office as the jeers descended upon him.

Asked how he thought his evening hosting at the Golden Globes had gone, Gervais said: “Well, you know, it’s always difficult to judge how these things go, isn’t it?  Having said that, I thought it went well.  Have you seen that I’ve got a new DVD out?”

Pope Benedict XVI tells Christmas attacker: ‘I’m coming for you, bitch’

Pope Benedict XVI, plotting his revenge

Pope Benedict XVI has met with the woman who knocked him to the floor in St Peter’s Basilica on Christmas Eve for the first time and warned her: “You’d better run…you’d better hide. Because I’m coming for you, bitch.”

The Vatican said the pontiff had “a brief private meeting” with Susanna Maiolo where she had “pleaded for mercy.” Aides to the Pope have recounted hearing Maiolo “begging for her life” and “wailing” while the Pope “just laughed manically like a nutter.”

A statement said: “For his part, the Pope wanted to show her who was the daddy. All in all, we think he’s being very generous by giving her a one week head start before he hunts her down.”

Maiolo, 25, stunned the world on Christmas Eve when she leaped over a security barricade and dragged the pontiff to the floor.

At the time, the 82 year-old had to be physically dragged away from Maiolo, shouting: “You’re dead! You’re a f*****g dead woman!” before going on to give his traditional Christmas blessing to a shocked congregation.

“I’ve got to hand it to her,” said Pope Benedict XVI yesterday, “when she had a go at me in 2008, I put it down to the exuberance of youth and decided not to make her life a living hell. But this is different. Nobody tickles my balls twice and gets away with it.”

Asked if there was any hope of forgiveness from the Pope towards Maiolo for her actions, one Vatican insider burst out laughing.  “You really don’t know what he’s like, do you?” they said.

“He’s simply not the forgiving type.  I remember when he was waiting for them to send the white smoke to signal that he had been chosen as the new Pope, he grew impatient at waiting, and kung-fu kicked three Cardinals in the hope of speeding things up a bit.  Needless to say, it did the trick.”

Speaking from the safety of a safehouse, Maiolo was unsurprisingly repentent for her actions:  “I went in to see him and thought to myself, ‘you know, this guy is supposed to be God’s representative on Earth, what’s the worst that can happen?’  Well, I can’t begin to describe the tirade of obscenities and invective that followed.

“I’m genuinely fearful for my life – I don’t know much, but I do know that Pope Benedict XVI is a trained, ruthless assassin, and that he will stop at nothing until I’m dead.  I just wish I could go back and change what I’ve done…”

“She had better be hiding in a good place,” concluded the Pope, “because this time it’s personal.”

Climate change summit debates whether or not to turn on central heating for 6 hours

Environmentalists around the world have been shocked by the news that more than six hours of one of yesterday’s sessions at the Climate Change Summit in Copenhagen was spent debating whether or not they should switch on the central heating.

The summit is aimed at gathering representatives from leading nations around the world to make decisive action towards halting climate change.

“The trouble is,” said Yvo de Boer, Executive Secretary of the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, “These talks are taking place in Denmark in mid bloody December and it’s freezing inside the building. I’m all for halting climate change, as long as the climate isn’t ridiculously cold to start with.”

The key to global climate change

The Ambassador and Deputy Permanent Representative of Sudan to the United Nations in New York, Lumumba Stanislaus-Kaw Di-Aping agreed: “What you have to understand is that I’ve come here from the Sudan to sit in a room in sub-zero temperatures to hear a load of people waffling on. Why they didn’t have this in Sydney like I suggested, I’ll never know.”

The lone dissenting voice, and cause of the six hour debate was President and chairwomen of the summit, Connie Hedegaard, who argued: “Look, you lot all need to grow a pair. The air temperature is perfectly fine in here. Go and get a jumper. Don’t they have jumpers in the Sudan, Lumumba?”

Eventually, after six hours of, ironically, heated exchanges on the issue, the US’s special envoy for climate chance, Todd Stern, decided to intervene and broke up the debate by offering to fetch everyone a warm drink.

“I don’t care what it is,” he is reported to have said.  “Hot chocolate, tea, coffee….hell, I’ll even go out and get each of you a hot toddy if you think it’ll make things better.”

At present it is not known whether or not Stern’s offer will be enough to broker a lasting peace in the talks, although experts have hailed it as a masterstroke.  Dan Findlay, environmental correspondent for the Wall Street Journal said:

“Todd Stern has used all the experience and nous that he’s gained over the course of his career here.  Not many people know this, but he used exactly the same trick in his role as White House negotiator for the Kyoto Protocol, only this time he suggested a round of Mojitos for everyone – that did the trick, and I expect this to do the same.”

Nobody really sure of difference between America and Canada survey reveals

The US flag

The majority of people aren’t really sure if there is any difference between America and Canada, a survey has revealed.  The international study, conducted by a research firm into whether or not countries were just making up facts about themselves for the hell of it, so as  to confuse people from others countries, found that of the sample they interviewed, 99.8% of people who live outside the US believe that the US and Canada are, in fact, the same place.

Stefan Edman, 34, from Gothenburg, Sweden, was one respondent to the survey, and reacted with disbelief upon hearing the news that they are separate countries.

“No f*****g way.  Are you sh*****g me?” Mr Edman said.  “Come on guys, this has got to be a joke or something.  I mean, I know they say they don’t, but let’s face it, they all sound the same, and in any case, if that map you’re showing me is right…they’re right next to each other.  I mean…Jesus.  Somebody needs to sit these two together in a room and sort this out, because it’s pretty f****d up.”

US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton was firm in her denial that Canada was part of the United States, issuing a statement to the press in response to the research: “I would like to reaffirm once more that Canada is not part of the United States and will continue to enjoy independence from this great nation.”

Mrs. Clinton continued: ” We don’t want them as part of us, anyway, what with their constant use of the word ‘eh’ and their weird French-speaking places…oooh, that’s freaking me out just thinking about it.  In summary, they can keep their maple leaf and shove it.  Is that clear?”

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown reacted to Mrs. Clinton’s aggressive statement by appearing to take a conciliatory, diplomatic approach to the situation.  “Look, I really don’t know why this is an issue.

“They’re all Americans together, so what’s the point in arguing?  Mrs. Clinton should concentrate on all the things they have in common: Mounties, Due South and Labatt’s lager – all of which are as American as apple pie, living in igloos and hunting mousses.”

Meanwhile, linguists are busy trying to track down the existence of any Canadian who has ever pronounced the word ‘about’ as ‘aboot’ as portrayed in the typical Canadian stereotype.

“I saw somebody once who said it,” said an anonymous man in the pub the other night.  “But it was on TV, and they were probably American.  Is there any real difference between Canadians and Americans anyway?”

Mad Japanese bastards celebrate underwater Christmas in November for some reason

What the hell...?!?

A Japanese aquarium has decided, for reasons best known to itself, to hold an underwater Christmas party smack bang in the middle of November.  The Yokohama Kakkeijima Sea Paradise, on the outskirts of Tokyo, decided to ruin everyone’s fun by refusing to do the sensible thing and wait just a few more weeks until everybody was well and truly into the festive spirit, sending an employee dressed rather implausibly as Santa Claus into a tank to feed a Beluga whale sardines while a selection of garish Christmas songs blared out in the background.

Hank Douglas, his wife Wilma and their children Petey and Glenda, tourits visiting from Ohio, were amongst those to witness the atrocity, which took place at around 12pm local time.

“Well, we’d just been having a swell time up until that point in our trip,” said Hank, “and thought that the Sea Paradise would be a mighty fine place to see the whales and the dolphins and the otters and what-not that they have native to this here Japanese region.  All of a sudden, before we knew it, there’s a crazy man in a Santa suit being lowered into a tank to the strains of Noddy Holder yelling ‘Iiiiiiiit’s Chriiiiiiiiiiiisttmmmaaaaaaas!!!!’ With a whale!  We didn’t know what to think.”

Hank’s wife Betty agreed, confirming that the family were left momentarily stunned and disorientated.  “We literally didn’t know what was happening.  We were left looking at each other.  Was it Christmas here in Japan?  Had we slipped into a state of unconsciousness for a month and missed the flight home?  Were we all supposed to jump into the tank too? It was just so upsetting.”

The Douglas’s children, meanwhile, were far too traumatised to give an interview, and simply kept repeating through their tears: “Make the music stop…there’s no place for Santa suits in November.”

Dr. Donald Price, Professor of Psychology at the University of Manchester was keen to stress that this sort of behaviour is typical of Japan and everyone who lives there.  “Oh, sure,” he said, “those Japanese are all mad bastards.  They’ll do anything to try and get a bit of attention.  Naked polo, strapping lit fireworks to their genitals…you name it really.  Completely f*****g batsh*t, the lot of them.”

It has subsequently been confirmed that at the end of the show, even more sardines were released from the bottom of the tank and swam upwards in a cone formation to form a Christmas tree shape.

“Sick,” said Dr. Price.  “Sick and so very wrong.”