Berlusconi abandons heist plan after court ruling

"What am I going to do with all these Chinese acrobats now?"

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is to abandon plans for an Ocean’s Eleven-style heist, after Italy’s Constitutional Court overturned a law granting him immunity from prosecution while in office.

Mr. Berlusconi was reported to be despondent today after the judgement, which could see him stand trial on several counts of corruption. But sources close to the controversial Premier say this is not the principal cause of his gloom: instead, Berlusconi is ruing his missed chance to pull off ‘the big one’ by raiding Italy’s biggest casino, the Casino de la Vallée di Saint-Vincent.

“He was really looking forward to it,” the Prime Minister’s associate, Gianluca ‘Fingers’ Manotti told us told us. ‘He had this big plan and everything — he spent weeks perfecting it. But it kind of depended on him being able to do basically whatever he wanted without fear of recrimination. Otherwise it would just be a bunch of guys going into a casino and taking all the money, which is still illegal under Italian law.”

Another source, speaking to us earlier today, expressed concern for the effect the ruling would have on the day-to-day running of the country.

“Silvio was counting on staying above the law for the remainder of his tenure as Prime Minister, so this is a real blow,” said Luigi ‘Babyface’ Scarlatti. “The wheels of Italian politics need to be greased, and a Prime Minister who can’t just get away with doing whatever the hell he feels like will be seriously limited. This decision can only lead to a lamentable decrease in the number of bribes and backhanders handed out to witnesses, corrupt lawyers and enraged parents. Plus it means we can’t hit that casino like we wanted.” Mr Scarlatti paused for a moment, looking wistfully into the distance.

“Man, that would’ve been a big score,” he added, with a sigh.

Mr. Berlusconi now plans to take a short holiday to recover from the shock of the court’s decision. Reports suggest that the Prime Minister will be accompanied by the ministers for the Environment, Equal Opportunities and Tourism, all of whom will be bringing their bikinis.

Afghan ‘warlord’ lodges complaint against Sky News

An Afghanistani man has lodged a formal complaint against Sky News after he felt they unfairly branded him as a ‘warlord’ in a recent report.

The report, aired on the 7th October, referred to Gulbadin Hekmatyar, leader of the Hezb-e-Islami militants, in a manner that Hekmatyar found to be “insulting, offhand and deeply disrespectful,” the Commission for Broadcasting Standards heard this morning.

“I mean, come on,” said Hekmatyar speaking in a statement from a cluster of caves we couldn’t quite place, “I’ve done some pretty bad things in my time, but is it really fair for Sky News to resort to petty name-calling? I’ve got several wives and twenty or thirty children to look after. Sometimes I wonder if people like Sky even care about the feelings of the little people like me.”

Hekmatyar - just a regular guy

In Sky’s report, Hekmatyar was heard attacking American democracy, claiming that President Obama’s election came as a result of a  “parody of an election” with “fraudulent voting.” However, Hekmatyar seemed keen to distance himself from these remarks today, claiming that they had merely been lost in translation:

“Fraudulent election? No, no, no, no, no. I love Obama. I totally dig the whole black President thing too. This is yet more evidence of Sky News twisting their agenda against me. What I actually said was that they had a big ‘party of an election’ and that there was some ‘fantastic voting’. It’s an easy mistake to make.”

Hekmatyar later went on to issue a video tape to the BBC of himself dressed variously as Uncle Sam, Winston Churchill and Santa Claus in a bid to prove his love for all things in the West. “See?” he said, taking a bite out of a Burger King Whopper burger. “Mmmm. Delicious.”

A spokesperson from Sky News said: “Despite Mr. Hekmatyar’s claim of injustice we have strong sources in the region and we are confident that this complaint will not be upheld. Besides which, we know he is a murderous, gun-running b*****d who has the blood of many thousands of people on his hands. He’s not fooling anyone.”

Working mothers blamed for global warming

A planet-trashing working mother

The rise in the number of working mothers is one of the principle causes of global warming, a new study suggests.

The Centre for Child Wellbeing surveyed fifteen working mothers in Croydon, South London, and found they were less likely than stay-at-home mothers to recycle, more likely to make multiple car journeys and also more likely to vainly and selfishly use environment-harming products such as lipstick and hairspray.

Other experts said there was more work to be done before a firm link could be found between working mothers and climate change, for example more attention needed to be paid to levels of lipstick and hairspray use.

The study also asked the mothers about their children’s habits. It revealed that 100% of working mums put their kids in front of the TV for up to ten hours every day, allowing them to burn hundreds of tonnes of fossil fuels in electricity, while dinner was usually a burger, made from beef raised on land that was previously rainforest.

Said Megan Mallaghy of the Centre for Child Wellbeing: “We’re not trying to attack working mothers or discourage them from working, but our research clearly shows that they are one of the major reasons for climate change. When their kids aren’t in front of their TVs in their rubbish-strewn rooms, they’re on the internet looking at happy slapping videos, consuming resources that normal families could be using to play charades around the aga. On top of that these mothers are driving their enormous cars everyday to their pointless marketing jobs.”

Experts on climate change appeared to welcome the findings. Said Jonathan Primrose of the Institute for Climate change: “The principal engines of global warming are the burning of fossil fuels and the disappearance of the rainforests. We’re glad that the prime cause of both of these factors – working mothers – has been identified. We can now move forward to form policy that will tackle this problem.”

The same children of working mothers took part in an earlier study by the Centre for Child Wellbeing, which found they were more likely to be obese by the age of three. Nearly two thirds of the kids surveyed had learnt how to use a chip pan by the age of two, three quarters could eat a whole Iceland party platter in one sitting and 100% could balance a Macdonald’s happy meal on their stomachs.

Mallaghy said the study hadn’t taken into account working fathers because “there was no such thing.” “What, dads?” she said. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

Orange squash doping scandal hits Tour de France

Two riders at this year’s Tour de France have been found with traces of orange squash in their system according to the AFLD, the French Anti-Doping Agency. Pierre Bordry, head of the AFLD, confirmed in a statement last night that the agency’s worst fears had been realised:

“Orange squash is one of the real evils of event-based cycling and sport in general – and it’s one we thought we had seen the last of, so to say this news is disappointing is quite an understatement.

“Oh sure, we know it looks harmless enough, but try telling that to literally millions of people who have had their careers, homes, families and even their entire lives destroyed by this sick, vicious drug.”

“Orange squash contains a frankly ridiculous amount of additives and artificial colourings,” said Dr. Mendez, “which artificially stimulates the athlete into a state of hyper-activity that would ordinarily be well beyond their power. For instance, on a single bottle of Robinson’s, Lance Armstrong would be able to win the Tour de France seven times over. Easily.”

What could happen if cyclists drink orange squash

Cordial manufacturers Robinson’s have, unsurprisingly, moved to dismiss Dr. Mendez’s claims, labelling his research as ‘unsubstantiated rumour-mongering’.

“This is unsubstantiated rumour-mongering,” said a Robinson’s spokesperson. “Our customers love our orange squash and it’s great for you. You only have to listen to our customers screaming their approval down the phone at us and you’ll see what we mean.”

For now, at least, relations between the AFLD, the Tour de France and Robinson’s are expected to be anything but cordial.

Labour, Conservatives argue over how best to ruin the country

Which of these men could organise a p*** up in a brewery?

Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Conservative leader David Cameron have come to verbal blows in the wake of Mr. Cameron’s claim that his Shadow Cabinet would do a much better job of “f***ing up the country” than the current government could ever do.

Mr. Cameron’s comments came during an impassioned speech at the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester. After declaring that he wanted the Conservatives to win the next general election, rather than simply ‘let Labour lose it’, Cameron attacked the current government’s record.

“This government keeps telling us about all the great things it’s done,” Mr. Cameron said, “but they’re just claiming the credit for others’ work. It’s clear, for instance, that the current financial crisis in Britain is not the work of Alistair Darling, but the result of a global recession. Under a Conservative government, any crippling financial downturn would be of our own making.”

 In a statement outside Number 10 this morning, Mr. Brown defended his Chancellor, whom he described as “every bit as useless as he appears.”

“Both myself and the Chancellor of the Exchequer are fully responsible for all the f***-ups that have taken place while I have been in charge, and probably some other ones as well,” Mr. Brown said. “We intend to continue our dismal record into a historic fourth term. The British public cannot afford to trust this inexperienced Tory front bench to do such a thorough job of screwing up.”

The two leaders’ war of words sparked a scramble from their respective ministers to outdo one another in making damaging and foolish policy decisions. Alistair Darling and George Osborne began by trading public sector pay freeze plans. Then, when Mr. Osborne announced that he would raise the retirement age to 66, the Chancellor responded by claiming he would raise it to 67.

The exchange between the two men then got somewhat out of hand, and is reported to be ongoing. According to the latest update, Mr. Osborne plans to extend the retirement age to 112, while a forthcoming announcement from Mr. Darling is expected to confirm Labour’s plan to keep people in work until they are 113.

World condemns designer for kerning mistake

Condemnation from world leaders has been swift and decisive following a kerning mistake made in an organisational brochure by trainee London graphic designer Sarah Messina.

On learning of the spacing error, which occurred on page 12, line 14 – 15 of a proof-stage draft of the Department of Health’s ‘Guide to Seasonal Illness’, religions united and enemies put aside their differences in an expression of disgust, fury and outrage.

Design criminal Sarah Messina

US President Barack Obama broke away from a summit on healthcare reform to speak out against the mistake. “This is a time for the global community to look on what humanity can prove itself to be, and look away in shame. It saddens me that at this time, when our own country is striving to improve the treatment meted out to our sick and our needy, that an atrocity such as this, which almost ruined one page of an educational brochure, can be committed.”

The Islamic world joined the west in expressing outrage. Said Ayatollah Khomeini, spiritual leader of Iran: “Every day we look to observe our duty to God in our words and deeds. The strict and holy laws of design are not the least of these and are inviolate. This error betrays a corruption that, if not extinguished, will spread the world over bringing a disease of the soul.”

The Department of Health itself moved quickly today to allay panic among employees, assuring them that the kerning mistake would be rectified in the fifth draft of its brochure. However, the Public Commercial Services Union, which represents the majority of civil servants, said that it would advise its members to leave work immediately fearing a total breakdown in the structure of government.

Patches of civil disorder were appearing on the streets of London early Wednesday, as members of the public tried to locate Messina and her design agency Blue Koala Design in Hammersmith, West London. Crowds massed on the roads of Hammersmith carrying bricks and bottles were contained by riot police and reports have come in of other graphic design agencies being targeted.  

However, the government has issued a statement saying that Messina was already in police custody, and could expect “to suffer the full wrath of the law.”

Salsa club runs out of new ways to sell salsa

How it isn't done in Birmingham

Famous salsa club Hot Salsa! In Birmingham has announced it will be closing its doors after running out of different, innovative ways to sell its dance classes. Despite a large, ever-changing variety of salsa classes aimed at every section of the population, numbers have fallen and continue to dwindle.

Classes in the past have included Aerobo Salsa, Hip-hop Salsa, Breakdance Salsa, Combat Salsa, Circus Salsa, Salsa for Kids, Salsa with Attitude (for the LGBT community), Salsa on Ice, Salsa Singles, Yoga Salsa, Football Salsa, Islamo-Salsa, Roller Salsa, Naked Salsa, Fetish Salsa, Line-dance Salsa, Ski Salsa, Wheelchair Salsa and Salsa for Pets.

The problem lies with the fickle nature of the public, says Bruno Cortez, instructor at Hot Salsa! “In Puerto Rico salsa is a legend, it’s a way of life,” he said. “We dance with passion. We dance in a frenzy of erotic energy until our feet bleed. Every man woman and child takes hold of salsa and squeezes it until it drips salsa juice down their open-to-the-waist, brightly coloured cotton chemises. In Britain, they dance for one hour on a Thursday before going to the pub. And they come once, maybe twice.”

The management of Hot Salsa! admits it has possibly stretched the salsa craze way beyond its natural life. “The problem is that once the divorcees work out they’re not going to sleep with the instructor, or get to look like Jennifer Lopez, they kind of lose interest,” said manager Gordon Riley. “We’ve tried to keep our classes modern and relevant but there’s always something new. I remember when Capoeira started to take off, and then there was knitting. There are too many things for single women and gay men to do in the evening.”

Previous attendees at Hot Salsa! explained that salsa hadn’t led to the life change they were expecting. “I read in the Birmingham Evening Post that salsa burns 600 calories an hour and tones your waist and upper arms,” said Evie Barncock. “I thought it would be a whole lifestyle change for me, that I would suddenly become a sensual, Latin woman with inner confidence and snake-like moves. But I’ve been three times now and I’m still just me.”

Shy people launch socially awkward media

The global community of gauche, shy and reticent people today announced they had been working on a special project called ‘socially awkward media’, comprising a suite of online services that will protect them from unnecessary attention, ridicule or judgement.

The new services – Facelessbook, NoSpace and Mumble – are designed to maximise anonymity while providing each participant with ego-boosting praise and encouragement. For example, across all services, instead of users being able to see how many ‘friends’ each person has every member will automatically be allocated 1,000 upbeat, supportive ‘friends’ who will either interact or back the hell off, depending on how the user is feeling.

The logo for Facelessbook

Status updates on ‘Facelessbook’ will always be greeted with huge amounts of appreciation, even worship, by the community, but no member will be expected to actually participate in any kind of extended conversation. As with Facebook, ‘events’ will be a big feature, but the only attendance option for those invited will be ‘maybe, um who else is going? Probably.’

Said developer Mike Newbury: “These networks have all the functionality that you’d expect from rivals such as Facebook, MySpace and Twitter, yet create a much more reassuring environment in which the easily cowed and embarrassed can operate. People forget in the hype around social media that this is just another front for the socially awkward to get a kick in the face from the popular people. We wanted to create a place where no one will ever have to constantly refresh Twitter to see if anyone’s reacted to that really cool thing they posted, only to find that no one cares.”

Even though the new services haven’t even been released yet, there have been signs of a backlash from the socially awkward community itself. Said Paul Jones, a skinny pale teenager with zero social skills and no hope of a girlfriend, from Aberystwyth: “Oh good, another square ghetto for me and the other geeks to hang around in. How soon is it going to be before all the cool kids come in and start stealing our virtual packed lunches?”

Tories to kick crutches away from the sick

Crutches as they should be, human-free

The Tories say they can dramatically reduce the cost to the taxpayer – while giving injured people a “compelling incentive to work” – by taking away crutches and wheelchairs from those on incapacity benefit.

Party leader David Cameron outlined the plans at the party conference in Bournemouth today, saying that those who are currently using crutches or wheelchairs because of injury will simply have them taken away and be told to walk. Rivals have labelled the plans “callous”, a claim the Tory leader dismissed with a derisive snort.

Cameron described the move as a “big, bold” shakeup of the welfare system, and claims it won’t reduce the quality of life of those who are genuinely sick. He said: “What we are going to do is kick the crutches away and see what happens. If the person walks, then all well and good, they can go and get a job in a packing factory. However, if the person falls, they can simply be supported under the elbows by friends or family and escorted to a job such as data entry.”

The Tories claim the scheme will save the taxpayer around £600m a year, with the kicking to be done by a new set of private firms, who will also be in charge of training the new job seekers in either packing or data entry. Start up costs for the kicking/training firms are estimated to be £600m.

The target for getting the sick back to work is to be set at 100%, say the Tories. “If they’re alive they can work,” said Cameron. “There’s always something useful people can do isn’t there? I mean, for God’s sake, Stephen Hawking works.”

Shadow School’s Secretary Michael Grove denied it was a throwback to the eighties, saying that this policy was definitely part of the fluffy, marshmallowy Conservatism that has been widely touted in recent years. “This is not about penalising the sick it’s about helping them,” he said. “Many will be thanking us through tear-stained cheeks when we kick their crutches away, I can tell you.”

Tories questioned about portrait in David Cameron’s attic

The Conservative Party was today accused of covering up the discovery of a ‘grotesque’ portrait found in the attic of David Cameron’s London home, which apparently shows an ‘aged and withered’ Cameron ‘as if he had lived a long and sinful life of vice and debauchery.’ The bizarre picture, artist unknown, was allegedly found by a cleaner and reported to The News of the World.

The alleged portrait

The baby-faced Tory leader has denied that the portrait is in any way connected to him, saying it is possibly of an ancestor, albeit one that looks an awful lot like him. However, speculation about the portrait has been exacerbated by alleged sightings of Cameron living a double life in the back streets of London. Vice workers in Soho have reported that a shadowy figure named ‘Prince Charming’, whose modus operandi is to visit opium dens and seduce impressionable young actresses, bears a striking resemblance to Cameron.

The rumours surrounding the mysterious painting have been further fuelled by accusations from a leading academic that Cameron “cannot possibly have lived his life as a Tory and remained so annoyingly fresh faced.”

Anton Korvjak of the Department of Biomedical Sciences, Imperial College, London University, said: “Biomedical science has shown conclusively that the sins of the heart are played out on the face. Just look at Tony Blair. We all know that Tories have black, black hearts and as Cameron is head Tory, his heart must be blacker than most. I dread to think of the evil he has committed which now, it seems, is trapped in this portrait. I would estimate from this picture that Cameron has at best broken the hearts of a number of innocent village girls and at worst committed murder.”

However, senior Tory figures dismissed the rumours as “superstitious nonsense” saying that Cameron’s pert features were the result of “clean living, exercise and wholesome Conservative values.” Shadow Foreign Secretary William Hague, who earlier this year faced his own allegations of age-fixing after a number of calves were found ritually slaughtered in his basement, said: “David’s as cute as a shiny button because his heart is pure. New Tories are lovely and kind and woman-friendly and nice to gays and other freaks, I mean minorities. Look at New Labour. New? Gordon Brown looks like he’s been rode hard and put away wet.”